Things No One Told Me Before I Had Children

You will have to sweep your kitchen floor 3-4 times a day if you ever want a clean kitchen floor.

Kids don't thank you for clean bums, clean clothes, yummy food, or regular sleeping schedules.

You will spend more time cleaning dried cereal or yogurt off your kitchen walls and floor, than you will ever spend actually eating cereal or yogurt.

Having children will make you fat.

All children are actually deaf.

A grouchy 5-year-old is worse than a roommate with PMS.

One small child with one small sharpie in one small minute can do more damage than you would ever think possible.

Kids are born obnoxious, insanely nerdy, and disgusting. You have to spend practically every waking moment trying to correct this.

You will repeat yourself until the sound of your own voice makes your head want to explode. And not even for things you should have to say.

You will say things you never ever in a million years thought you'd say or even considered as words people uttered. Or thought. Like, "Because sticking your finger in there makes your hand smell, and it's disgusting" or "Get out of the queso!" or "I can't wipe if you are going to dance around like that" or "No, it is not Sarah's fault that you just pooped all over my bathroom."

Your respect for single mothers who are making it work will be born and multiply a hundred times over.

You will actually get maxed out and THEN some on physical contact.

Bathing regularly will be a luxury.

Your drinks will perpetually have floaties if you don't put them out of reach of your children.

There is no such thing as "out of reach of your children".

The delusion of being in charge is real, and gets shattered often.

Nothing you do stays done.

You will hit your emotional and mental wall, even if nothing else in life has made you do that.

There is no such thing as adult conversation when kids are awake.

You will spend the first 15 minutes of your peace and quiet and alone time with your husband---talking about the children.

Toilets, vacuums, outlets, cell phones, car keys, and drawers hold more appeal than any toy for any amount of money that your child has.

Poop and snot become significantly less disgusting. But still disgusting.

You will always feel like you aren't doing good enough, even if you spent the first 25 years of your life feeling like you are the best thing that ever happened to the word "average".

Your children learning hard lessons will feel more painful for you than them.

There are no words to describe the emotion you will feel when it comes to protecting your child.

Your tolerance for Disney movies expands exponentially. The equations breaks down to something like this FORMALLY SUPER ANNOYING + PEACE AND QUIET=BEST MOVIE EVER AND YOU WANT TO KISS Ol' WALT.

You will actually get stupider. See?

When it is time to prepare dinner, your children will have a completely urgent and irrepressible need to be held. Or to write on walls.

"Children should be seen and not heard" won't seem so rude anymore.

The sound of your child's laughter will always be the most wonderful sound you hear in a day.

Seeing your husband's eyes or manner of speaking in your child will always make your heart melt.

Watching your children explore and learn and grow will bring you pure joy.

"Mom, I love you" makes SO much worthwhile.

You will never get tired of your children's speech impediment.

You will lose all sense of social appropriateness and talk about things that are only interesting to you, really think your child is the cutest child ever born, and be unable to talk about anything intelligent.

You will cherish the little things because you know you should and you know you'll be glad you did.

You will screw up royally. A lot.

You won't feel it day to day, and it will be hard, and feel unrewarding, but in the end, when you have done your best, you will see that it was enough.