Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Don't Even Warn You When I Change The Subject

Fair warning: If you are looking for coherent, cohesive, and/or meaningful, this isn't the place today.

I got this email yesterday: "I'm bored. Please blog." I'm blogging, but I apologize in advance it's not going to help your boredom.

I hate bananas but I buy them every time I go to the store. It's almost compulsive how I buy them. I don't want my kids to hate them because I think they are nutritious and a nice totable snack, they shouldn't miss out on it. But I think they are disgusting.

I do not understand why children talk so loud. Bo is at the table making a paper clip be a ballerina. That's harmless enough, but the "ballerina" is yelling "I'm a balloh-weena lalalalala!"

Lately Avee has been having some frustrations. I remember Bo going through this stage. He would get in trouble and get sent to his room and he'd be so angry and frustrated, but not really have the words to express it. So he would go up about 3 steps, turn and do this lovely combination: Scream, yell the word stupid or shut up, the worst words he could think of, then yell again, and then a heartfelt "thpppppppppp". If we were lucky, there'd be another scream. This little combination would take milliseconds. It was quite a talent. Fortunately he was up the stairs after he finished because it always made me laugh.

Well, now Avee's doing it. But it's just a shrill, long, loud scream. And just seconds after she starts, she realizes she doesn't like the consequences that come with her screaming, and she gets a charming smile (mid-scream), then stops short and says, "Oopths, sawy Mom, I didn't know I did that. I didn't know I screamed."

Huh? It doesn't matter how nonsensical this girl is, she believes in herself so much, she knows it will all work for her.

Bo has told me no less than 8 times since yesterday after school about a kid in his class that exclaimed "GEEZ!" out loud. He pretty much thinks it's the funniest word he's ever heard.

I guess he's never ticked off my mom.

Speaking of my mom. I talked to her other day and she confessed to me that she is addicted to watching Days of Our Lives. This in and of itself is quite remarkable. In some ways, it's so different from the woman who raised me. We didn't own a tv the entire time I lived in my parent's home. On the other hand, it's not too shocking. Now she has her shows, and watches them faithfully, and refers to the characters as though they are her neighbors and best friends. "Well, Jim Bob had that problem with the raccoons until he had that heart attack and Doc (Aka Billy Ray Cyrus) saved his life, and then showed him how to get rid of coons."

My favorite though was, "Well, I know a man who opened his car door and someone drove by and tore that door right off!"

"Mom, that was an episode of Touched By an Angel."

"Oh yeah. That's right. But it could still happen so always close your car door quickly!"

Anyway. The best part is, she asked me to start watching it too so she could have someone to talk to about it. Apparently my SIL watches it now and then, but she doesn't want to bug her all the time.

I'm kind of excited. I've only ever watched bits and pieces of Soap Operas. I like to switch between two or three, and watch how almost seamlessly the dialogues blend together. I guess I can watch an entire one and get about as much entertainment.

Speaking of entertainment--this morning I took the neighbor boys to school. Typically I take my son, the 8 year old boy next door, and then my friend's children. And she in turn, brings Bo home in the afternoon. As well as the 8 year old neighbor boy. I've mentioned them in the past. Well behaved, polite, decent kids with a mom I've seen less than 5 times since we've moved here. And I may have mentioned that 8 year old is not the sharpest tool in the shed. In a way that is downright hilarious to me most days.

So, we're all in the van, and I'm taking the 13 year old to his school and so he's sitting next to me. I say, "Buckle up everyone" and 8 year old doesn't do it. I say, "8YearOld, buckle up please." And this conversation ensues.

8YearOld: We're only going to be in the car for a minute probably
Me: It only takes a minute to get into a car accident.
Older Brother: Or less. 8YearOld, you always wear your seat belt, not matter how long you are in the car. Have you forgotten about Dad?
8YearOld: Oh yeah. That's right. He only has one leg and one eye.

This is where I lost it. He said it with such defeat, and so matter-of-factly.

Older Brother turned to me and said, "Well, he has two eyes, he just can't see out of one of them."

I spent the entire trip to school looking out my window because I could not stop laughing.


Word Girl said...

That's amazing. I could pretty much see that conversation and hear it as I read it. Hilarious!

NOBODY said...

Word Girl, AS I wrote this, I kept laughing out loud and thinking, "There's a good chance, only Word Girl is going to think this is as funny as I think it is." Glad you could "hear" it. :)

Cindy said...

I can relate to your mom. I tend to talk about characters in movies and shows as if they were neighbors too. My mom and BF are the only ones I can do it with though. Everyone else would probably think I was crazy.

I loved the car ride conversation too! You are funny!

CoconutKate said...

My brain just cramped up and I can't think of anything to say so instead of walking away silent (like normal) I'll just wish you a good day!

NOBODY said...

Awww CoconutKate! That was nice of you. Thank you.

Barnecked Lady said...

Woohoo, I got some entertainment. I agree with kids being loud and not understanding it. Braxton will come and lay down next to me in bed and sing at the top of his lungs while I'm asleep. He is always yelling, singing, and being loud and to think just a few years ago we couldn't get him to talk at all.
Did you know you can watch Days, not watch it for 5-10 years, turn it on and pick right up where you left off. It's amazing! The characters never age either, but when they have a baby, they are like 15, 2 years later. I love that show. lol.
Anyways...until next time.

Adolescent Family said...

HAHAA! first of all, I appreciate the story! I love and laugh almost 100% of the time when I'm not suppose to. I think its a nasty inherited gene. But a funny one! :)

Days of our lives is one of my weaknesses. I DVR it and watch a week at a time some weekends. Why do I feel like I am confessing? wow.

Howertons in Iowa said...

I love that even though your post is like eight different things- that the end has you laughing!! That was perfect and totally worth the randomness - Which, I love of course.

No Cool Story said...

Firstly: Stop taking breaks. Teh Internets needs Nobody's posts.

Secondly: You kill me.

Thirdly: I read "...and she gets a carming smile" so I am thinking it has to do with something from the movie Cars (which I haven't seen) and I feel left out of the joke. Just to realize that was not the joke.

Lastly: I had kept my composure until I read "That's right. He only has one leg and one eye."
:D bwahahaha.
It's like Arrested Development all over again.

InkMom said...

Watch those soap operas, my friend, and you may just vice yourself out of ever being the wife of a stake president! I know, it makes me want to start watching one myself.

I'm totally serious, though -- when they interviewed all the "candidates" (I don't think that's the right word, but I truly can't think of a better one) and their wives, they were asked if they had ever watched soap operas.

For what it's worth.

And I DID NOT see that little punch line coming. If he had been any older than 8 years old, and any smarter than the dullest tool in the shed, I would have totally thought he was actually TRYING to be funny. But he wasn't. Which makes it even FUNNIER!

InkMom said...

Also -- we are Carolina fans in this family. The real Carolina, not the one in the state to our south over which we rightfully feel superior.

Anyway. My little brother, who student at UNC, is an avid basketball fan. When he's home, he talks about "Roy" (the coach) and "Ty" and "Tyler" as if they just had a conversation yesterday and they're all best friends.

My kids are all three in the bathtub right now even though they bathed last night. G-Dog wanted to take a bath and I decided I need to clean the floor in there anyway, so I am out here where I can hear but not see the damage. I think I might be a little crazy.

Looks like I needed an outlet today.

I'm done.

Big Jay said...

Yeah. I read this post to the people I work with. SO Funny.

Just as a little background info for the rest of you. Remember the part in Napoleon Dynamite when Uncle Rico talks to the Mom of the girl Napoleon asks out? "He's a tender little guy..." That little speech probably (and I can't be totally sure) could be about 8 year old neighbor kid. He's a good little kid. But this conversation is so real.

Mrs. Organic said...

Oh! that was awesome. Kids say the best things when they aren't even trying to be funny.

Plain Jame said...

big jay - I could totally envision the scenario now "he still wets the bed and everything"...

NOBO you had to know that this was prime blogging manna. How could that ever slip through the cracks - priceless.

5 years ago when I was pregnant with firstborn we were thinking of girl and boy names. My boy names were Corbin and Bo. Now I know this baby is a boy, and it's still one in the running. I honestly never knew a dude named Bo that I didn't like... huh.

Plain Jame said...

I just re-read that AFTER I posted it, and wow - holy random. I guess I followed suit. I didn't even warn you when I was changing the subject.

Tori :) said...

Avee is Liv. She is. Livie will scream like a psycho and then say, "Ohh. Sawy. Sawy Mom..." lol
I used to be addicted to General Hosptial and One Life to Live. I'll see commercials for them now and I'm like "Blair is STILL on there??" and "When did Laura come back??"

Mycurlyhairdays said...

Missed you too.
Oh, yelling. The bane of my existence at the moment.
Halarious about your mom! I watched for a little while, just to see what as the ruckus was about, but it sucked me in a little too much. Not my thang. But it's a great bonding thing with your mom!
Poor 8 year old. I totally wasn't expecting what he said! I was shocked and laughed (thinking he was kidding). But sad at the same time.

Rebecca said...

one eye one leg.. but he has 2 eyes.. what about the leg.. oh you are too funny.. how you keep from peeing your pants I will never know!!!

DoOL rules.. I catch it about once a month.. or try and nap to it..its perfect for that.. doze in and out and never loose track..

kids are loud and over exaggerate.. it just gets louder with age..

I love bananas but by them in excess.. we always have more then necessary.. not sure why..

thanks for making me laugh!!

Sarah said...

The funny ending almost made me forget about the bananas... if you hate bananas do you hate things made out of bananas? like banana bread... just wondering

I hate screaming.. it is the only thing I will loose myself over..

Sarah said...

hehe lose

Klin said...

I buy about 12 lbs of bananas a week and they are all gone by Friday!

Poor daddy. How does he get around?

ucmama said...

cause blind guys are hilarious!

Mikelene said...

Ok, so I am really glad that I set my drink down before reading this b/c at the very end I was laughing SO hard that, if I was taking a sip, I would've had soda coming out my nose. Or it'd be sprayed all over the laptop. Thank you for the laugh!

Cyndi said...

Your mom called the other day JUST to talk about her new soap opera addiction, but she hung up before I answered because she didn't want to bother me. I called her back though and we talked all about it. I love it! BTW, it's "The Young and the Restless" which is THE BEST ONE!

Sarah Tilley said...

you entertained me, thanks!

Charlotte said...

I am totally laughing. "Have you forgotten about dad?"

I am the same way about broccoli. It disgusts me, but my kids actually like it, so I hold my nose and buy it.

Never got into soap operas. I do however, talk about cyber people as though they are my IRL friends. I will be in the middle of a guess-what-happened-to-my-friend-today-? story and my husband will ask, "Who is that again?" And I will hang my head and say, "Well, I've never actually met them, but..."

Super L said...

1) My mom watched a soap for about a year, then stopped, then watched again once TEN YEARS LATER, and still understood everything that was going on. That's a slow moving plot, I tell ya.

2) My Grandparents car actually DID get ripped right off by a car passing them while it was open. I know it happened, I was there. And the other car was moving about 2 miles an hour, and just slowly, slowly ripping off their door. Totally unaware. It was awesome. (Well, and terrible, but mostly awesome.)

3) Awwww. I miss 8 Year Old. And Nobody.