Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Things No One Told Me Before I Had Children

You will have to sweep your kitchen floor 3-4 times a day if you ever want a clean kitchen floor.

Kids don't thank you for clean bums, clean clothes, yummy food, or regular sleeping schedules.

You will spend more time cleaning dried cereal or yogurt off your kitchen walls and floor, than you will ever spend actually eating cereal or yogurt.

Having children will make you fat.

All children are actually deaf.

A grouchy 5-year-old is worse than a roommate with PMS.

One small child with one small sharpie in one small minute can do more damage than you would ever think possible.

Kids are born obnoxious, insanely nerdy, and disgusting. You have to spend practically every waking moment trying to correct this.

You will repeat yourself until the sound of your own voice makes your head want to explode. And not even for things you should have to say.

You will say things you never ever in a million years thought you'd say or even considered as words people uttered. Or thought. Like, "Because sticking your finger in there makes your hand smell, and it's disgusting" or "Get out of the queso!" or "I can't wipe if you are going to dance around like that" or "No, it is not Sarah's fault that you just pooped all over my bathroom."

Your respect for single mothers who are making it work will be born and multiply a hundred times over.

You will actually get maxed out and THEN some on physical contact.

Bathing regularly will be a luxury.

Your drinks will perpetually have floaties if you don't put them out of reach of your children.

There is no such thing as "out of reach of your children".

The delusion of being in charge is real, and gets shattered often.

Nothing you do stays done.

You will hit your emotional and mental wall, even if nothing else in life has made you do that.

There is no such thing as adult conversation when kids are awake.

You will spend the first 15 minutes of your peace and quiet and alone time with your husband---talking about the children.

Toilets, vacuums, outlets, cell phones, car keys, and drawers hold more appeal than any toy for any amount of money that your child has.

Poop and snot become significantly less disgusting. But still disgusting.

You will always feel like you aren't doing good enough, even if you spent the first 25 years of your life feeling like you are the best thing that ever happened to the word "average".

Your children learning hard lessons will feel more painful for you than them.

There are no words to describe the emotion you will feel when it comes to protecting your child.

Your tolerance for Disney movies expands exponentially. The equations breaks down to something like this FORMALLY SUPER ANNOYING + PEACE AND QUIET=BEST MOVIE EVER AND YOU WANT TO KISS Ol' WALT.

You will actually get stupider. See?

When it is time to prepare dinner, your children will have a completely urgent and irrepressible need to be held. Or to write on walls.

"Children should be seen and not heard" won't seem so rude anymore.

The sound of your child's laughter will always be the most wonderful sound you hear in a day.

Seeing your husband's eyes or manner of speaking in your child will always make your heart melt.

Watching your children explore and learn and grow will bring you pure joy.

"Mom, I love you" makes SO much worthwhile.

You will never get tired of your children's speech impediment.

You will lose all sense of social appropriateness and talk about things that are only interesting to you, really think your child is the cutest child ever born, and be unable to talk about anything intelligent.

You will cherish the little things because you know you should and you know you'll be glad you did.

You will screw up royally. A lot.

You won't feel it day to day, and it will be hard, and feel unrewarding, but in the end, when you have done your best, you will see that it was enough.


Millie said...

It was all good but I enjoyed the "if you stick your finger in there" example the most. Wise words, my friend...

glittersmama said...

Right on.

glittersmama said...

Your face.

Every time I hear that I think of you.

glittersmama said...

Second comment had nothing to do with the first.

Sarah said...

I try really hard when I am alone with my husband to not talk about the kids.. but before I know it we are comparing cell phone pics...

The Queen said...

As a single Mom for a crap load of years to the Princess.. thanks..

I thought it was just single Moms that struggled with this crap..

Now she is grown, with a Princess of her own..and your words ring true.. enjoy it while it lasts.

omar said...

I do the sweeping in my house, and I pretty regularly sweep up (what seem like) entire meals from the floor. It's amazing that they get enough in their mouths to grow. And I only have 66% of the amount of kids you do.

Heh, glittersmama said "right on your face."

ucmama said...

I don't have anything sarcas- uh, witty to say. Just...awwwww, sweet. :)

CoconutKate said...

Yeah...if they told you about all those things before you had kids, you probably either wouldn't believe them (they're exaggerating right?) or if you might not have kids, therefore missing out on the greatest experiences EVER!

Mrs. Organic said...

Every. Single. Thing.
Dead On and perfect!

Crissie said...

Oh yeah! Spoken like a true Mama!

jm said...

That was awesome! Is it okay if I print it out and frame it as long as I give you credit for it? I'll even let you sign it... :) Great I love it. I smiled the whole time reading it.

InkMom said...

Sing it, my friend. Sing it!

InkMom said...

And aren't you glad no one told you those things? It's much more fun to figure it out yourself . . . and also, no one would have kids. Because I'm 100% certain that any childless person who reads this post is thinking, "Oh, no, not me. That's not how it will be when I am a mother. It will be perfect and wonderful and my children will exit my vajaja already experts at all things potty related and they will be beautiful geniuses who are definitely not NERDY or DISGUSTING and I will sing wonderful happy songs all the live long day."

But we know the truth.

And we still do it -- nay, even love it.

You rock.

Howertons in Iowa said...

LAUGHED MY ARSE OFF!!! Frickin Hilarious my friend - and way too true. - all of it.

most rewarding job I've never earned any money for and I would do it again and again.

You are one AWESOME mommy!!!

Howertons in Iowa said...

oh and just like JM, I am totally framing this - it is worthy in my house :)

Klin said...

"Poop and snot become significantly less disgusting. But still disgusting."

I have no problem talking about this kind of stuff. Much to others chagrin. No point in being grossed out by my daily life.

Doesn't stop with big kids either. Just moves on to farts and other stuff I won't mention.

Great post.

You rock.

Charlotte said...

The amazing part is that some people (like myself) keep having them after they are aware of these things. The great things on the list make the other parts endurable.

Cindy said...

Thank you Nobody!! I really needed to read this post, because lately my boy has been driving me nuts. This helped me to put things into perspective.

Oh, and the remotes are the most valuable toy in our house. And the mouse...not a real mouse, a computer mouse:)

Just didn't want anyone to think I let Parker play with mice....not that I would tell anyone!!

Tori :) said...

Amen. You know- I actually got an infection under my thumb nail from trying to scrape a dry booger off the wall. I'm pretty sure that's a "mom only" occupational hazard.

Plain Jame said...

"and she waxes profound!!!!"

For me I'm sure someone tried to tell me, or I noticed others struggling... however me in all my glory - I probably thought 'well if I ever have kids, mine wont be allowed to act that way'. or something totally ignorant and ridiculous like that..

Michelle Garff said...


Mycurlyhairdays said...

Thanks. We have been struggling, but this helps me realize I am not alone. "You're not Alone!", huh, that sounds like a song or something!
Doing my best, even when it's hard and gross and scary.
My therapist once told me to just do my best and save money for their therapy later in life! (0: He made me laugh.

MommyJ said...

did inkmom seriously type the word vajaja? I think it needs to be vajayjay... just to assure proper pronunciation...

why are we talking about this again?

I don't know.

Loved this post.

Sarah Tilley said...

yes, all true. except that poop and snot never become less disgusting. it's just that the degradation of repeatedly cleaning it up numbs you a little.

Barnecked Lady said...

Sticking your finger in there makes your hand smell and is disgusting and get your hands out of the queso should never follow each other.

I want to know what anonym"ass" has to say about all this.

Loved the post, thanks for expressing what we all feel.

megachick said...

oh, man, bug had an unsupervised moment with a sharpie last weekend: her jammies, my crafting chair, the carpet - all look like zebras now.

Angela Fehr said...

LOVE THIS! You should have numbered them though so we could comment on individual items! So funny and if you don't relate then you'd better not have kids!

dancin' momma said...


Heffalump said...

Children do broaden our life experiences more than just about anything else in life.
Thanks for this, it was a great post!

Amanda said...

Loved this! Very funny and very sweet, and just a tiny bit gross (hmmmm, sounds like my kids). :)

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

amen. great post.

Merissa said...

Amen. A Million Times!

InkMom said...

I spelled it that way on purpose. And you lucky people witnessed the birth of a new euphemism.

Rachelle said...

Oh my gosh... that is getting printed and put in my mom journal... Can I have your autograph please! You crack me up. Thakns for making me smile!

Suzanne said...

Truer words have never been spoken! I just don't have the patience or eloquence to write it all down like you did. So thanks for doing it! :)