Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Happy May!

It's so beautiful outside right now, I love how the sunshine and light breeze make everything feel right.

So, I'm finishing up school. It has been an amazing ride.  I feel like a very different person than the one who started almost 2 and a half years ago.  There were some dark times.  There were some of the most beautiful moments of my life.  There are connections that have been made that have changed me.  There have been lots of tears and a lot of laughing.  Someday, I hope to articulate the changes in me because it's been a beautiful journey, but I don't have the words today.

This morning I had a couple of moments, with both Bo and Avee seperately, where I kind of stepped back and saw them as the little individuals they have become.  Not babies.  Not entirely mine.  And still so unbelievably perfect.  With Avee it was when she first woke up and I asked her if she was allowed to wear tanktops to school.  She said they had to be at least an inch wide, and spaghetti straps weren't allowed.  But that she saw girls wearing stuff that weren't necessarily spaghetti straps "technically" but definitely weren't quite an inch wide.  It seems almost silly recounting it, but I saw this smart little girl using words and making references to things I didn't know she knew, or don't know when she learned.  Later, Bo stood at the bottom of the stairs telling me about a dream he had before he went up to get his shoes.  He looked so tall.  I said, "You look like you grew a foot overnight!"  He grinned proudly.  It's getting more rare to get a pure and joyful response out of him like that.  I loved it.  And what happened to my little boy who couldn't say his r's, who greeted passersby in the buff, who sniffed the back of people's necks when he passed them, who practiced counting to 100 for 3 weeks straight?  I do love who he's become.

Speaking of who he's become....that boy has an excellent sense of humor.  It is so delightful for me to watch it develop into something J and I enjoy instead of endure.  Yesterday while I was making dinner he started telling me about a picture of a dog he drew.  Lately he's taken to acting goofy when he talks, and sometimes he's just talking nonsense and I don't pay much attention.  He was saying, "I drew a dog.  It was big.  It had a collar. Yep, there was a collar. And a nose. And some ears. Yeah, yeah, he had ears."  Do you see why I don't pay much attention?  Then he said, "And I drew some ear holes."  I turned and said, "Now I know you are making this up, you didn't draw any ear holes."  He said he had and described to me what an ear hole was.  I said, "I know what they are, I just don't think you drew them on a dog."  Instead of arguing more with me as he could of (because apparently he DID draw them) he said, "Mom, everyone has ear holes, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."  I burst out laughing.  This statement is close on the heels of getting "the talk" at school. It is fresh on his mind.  I guess because he wasn't sitting there painfully alone getting the information from his father, he feels more comfortable talking about it.  And talk about it he does!  I love it.

So, we are leaving Iowa at the end of July.  I am filled with sadness at the prospect.  In fact, I soothe myself by saying we'll come back.  We aren't selling our house, so it really is an option.  I know I'll love North Carolina.  Probably I won't want to leave.  But the relationships we've developed here, they are wonderful.  We've gotten to associate with so many awesome people.  It helps that we are awesome too, but still.  We are so, SO excited that J got into PA school.  We learned pretty much after he'd applied, so many things about the process we didn't know.  First, applying in April increases your chances of acceptance by like two fold.  We got everything submitted by September 1st.  We take "deadline" very seriously.  I am pretty sure that reason alone is why he didn't get into at least two of the schools we applied to.  Secondly, people typically apply for 2-3 years trying to get in.  These programs have 2,000 applying for 35-50 spots.  There's no way dozens and dozens of very qualified candidates don't get turned away.  So for J to get in on the first round is so cool and of course makes me feel very proud of my smart and socially skilled husband.  Getting in to a North Carolina school is just an added bonus.

The way I feel right now reminds me of a card my mom gave me when I turned 25.  I was devestated when I turned 25.  I know, right?  I had graduated from college, I was moving to a new city where I knew no one, and I was single.  I honestly can't think of anything more difficult to deal with in life. Sheesh.  On my 25th birthday I was in Missouri in between graduating from Utah State and moving to St. Louis.  (It's also the summuh I met my lovuh!)  I locked myself in my childhood bedroom and cried and mourned the loss of my youth.  It was pathetic.  A dozen people could have slapped me and told me to grow up and would have been well within their rights.  But I have surrounded myself with kind and somewhat indulgent people.

My mom slid my birthday card under the door.  Inside was a $20 and a $5.  See? Turning 25 isn't all bad!  She had written some sweet things about me and about things I had accomplished and then wrote, "I know you are at a crossroad right now and I know it feels difficult.  Life doesn't get easier, but it gets better."  I knew at least that my mom was wise, and honest.  So I trusted her---but I certainly didn't understand how "not easy" could make room for "better".  I so get it.  I've experienced some really difficult things.  I've watched others around me experience really difficult things.  I have also never been happier in my life.  Part of that happiness is knowing it won't always feel this way, but also knowing it will come back---after it doesn't feel this way. 

I also know that I have the most incredible person at my side, loving supporting, pushing, encouraging, and navigating with me.  I am always hesitant to post my thoughts about J publicly because I feel like people who do that either feel like they have something to prove or are trying to convince themselves.  Of course, to make it not be all about J, I manage to be proud of myself.  I'm incredibly proud that 26 year old Nobody had the sense to see what a gold mine she had, and be successful in convincing him to marry me. There's no way I could have known the extent of his awesomeness, but each month, each year, it has become more and more evident.  He is amazing.  And those incredibly cute kids have 50% of his DNA.  At least, that's what he tells them all the time.

Well, this is kind of a stream of consciousness post. Free therapy!

Speaking of therapy....I'll tell you what, ending therapy with my clients is haaaaaaaaaaard.  I had a total and complete meltdown in my supervisor's office a couple of weeks ago.  She has this uncanny ability to hone right in on the heart of a problem and I wasn't entirely aware of the emotional difficulty I was having with it all.  So, yeah, that was fun.  I am going to be that counselor that ignores all the rules about making client's independent and helping them help themselves and ultimately not need a counselor.  I will make them mine forever.  "He's so fluffy I'm gonna die".  That's how I just said that.

I guess I'm done. Word to each of your respective mothers.