Tuesday, June 29, 2010

It feels like now, and it feels always, and it feels like coming home...

Today is mine and J's anniversary. I met him just a little over 10 years ago and we've been married 8.

I think my feelings for J can best be summed up in a Celine Dion song...

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life....

Okay, just kidding. I mean, it's sweet, right? But it's not me. And it's not him either.

A guy I dated half my lifetime ago, once looked into my eyes and very tenderly said, "I see closed doors, and I want to open them, I want you to trust me enough to let them open, I want to be that man..." and then kissed me for the first time. I think it was supposed to be this deep, meaningful, emotional, profound moment, but all I could think was, "What the hell does that mean? Closed doors in my eyes? Are you kidding me? Hmmm, I wonder if they are at least cute doors---maybe french doors.... oooooh what if they are trap doors...."

Moments like this might even sum up my dating experience. I dated some really great guys and on paper, a few of them would be everything I thought I wanted. In reality, not one made my heart skip a beat, I didn't miss most when they were gone, I didn't dream about what our children would look like, I didn't feel like nothing in the world could possibly be wrong when any of them took my hand.

Until J.

The first time he took my hand into his, it felt like coming home. I belonged there, and knew I wanted to be there forever. I never want to forget that feeling. All the way home to Saint Louis that night, Shawn Colvin's "Never Saw Blue Like That" played over and over in my mind. I was romantic once in my life.

J takes me as I am. In my finest moments, he is proud and supportive. In my weakest and darkest, he loves me all the same and lifts me up. He has taught me more about myself, about how I want to be, about being a good parent, and being a good person just by who he is. He doesn't preach, he doesn't complain, he doesn't correct.

He isn't perfect and he ticks me off and I pout and yell at him just as well as the next person. We argue, we disagree, we get on each others nerves. We get stuck in ruts, we get overwhelmed with the everyday things of life, and most moments aren't daisies and butterflies, as I much as I'd like them to be.

But J always tries to make me happy. He responds to my needs. He listens. He cares. He accepts, he forgives, he loves.

Everyone who knows J likes him. Except for maybe some of his employees that he's fired. He is one of the most likable people I know.

I love you J. You've been gone long enough that I miss you too. :) You have given me 8 fantastic years and I love facing life's hurdles with you. You make it easier, you make it worthwhile. There really ain't no place I'd rather be, than next to you sittin' next to me.
Thank you for choosing me.

And also, you're welcome. :)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

It's Almost the End of June

Today was a big day for me. I pulled the plug on my Facebook account and I put J and Bo on a plane to Las Vegas. J was pretty disappointed today when I had to remind/inform him that Bo couldn't go to the casinos, or to most of the shows he was planning to go to. Poor J. He has a hard life. In Vegas, no gambling, no burlesque shows.

I have been considering "quitting" FB for a long time and finally just decided to rip the band-aid off. There are definite positives about it that I will miss, but more about it that I won't and don't need. I also definitely see it as a distraction from blogging and I have missed blogging and want to get back to it. A year later....

Today as I was driving the hour and a half back from the airport (or 27 hours, according to Avee) I was thinking of all the things I wanted to blog about. I decided that some days I can just write three lines and that will be okay. Lately the kids have given one-liners that I definitely want to record, and I hesitate because I don't have anything else to include. That ends now. :)

And I have also been in a funk. For some time now. I kind of want to talk about it as sort of a reality check for me, and maybe as a reminder in the future. That's another post though.

I have been sick for a week. Nothing major, but just feeling really crappy every single day. Each day I think I'll be better and all but yesterday and today, I've felt worse. Worse! That never happens. I am always in such control of my health! Today I felt better and then BAM, about 2 hours after dropping off J and Bo, I felt awful. The reason I bring this up is, I've been a horrible ogre of a mother. My standard for niceness as a mother is generally pretty low. I believe in having thick-skinned offspring. So, for me to call it "horrible ogre", really means something. And with that comes guilt. My kids don't deserve this. But I can't help myself.

So tonight, as I felt myself rapidly declining (just two hours prior I had been singing and rocking out, and indulging in knock-knock jokes--stupid, ridiculous, meaningless, repetitive, annoying knock-knock jokes!) I resolved to take the kids swimming. I could handle hanging out in a pool watching every flip, flop, handstand, breath-holding trick shown me, for at least 45 minutes.

So we loaded up, and headed to the pool. It was pretty crowded. We were there for 10 minutes. Avee and Danyo were showing me their newly acquired swimming skills (Danyo tucks his chin down, face in the water and flops like a madman, the most awesome 3-year-old swimming I have ever seen). Suddenly I see a little commotion nearby and I turn to observe. Moments later I am grossly aware of a giant turd lying in the bottom of the pool. This white girl cain't dance, but this white girl can fly. I grabbed Danyo and dragged Avee and was out of the pool before the other people could finish saying the word. So nasty.

Avee tried to bargain just staying away from it on the other end of the pool. Danyo started singing, "poop water, poop water, nana nana pooooooooop water."

That plan flopped. So now they are sitting on the living room floor eating ice cream. I know how to teach them healthy life habits.

Since I last blogged Bo turned 7 and Danyo turned 3. I look at Bo in amazement of the boy he's become. I don't remember the part where he stopped being a baby.

Last night he lost a tooth, basically in his sleep. He's missing one of his top front teeth, and last night it was a bottom tooth, a little on the side. He actually slept walk downstairs where J was (I was not home) and was kind of wigging out and J couldn't figure out what was going on and then Bo, to counteract the actual wigging out, considerately whispered everything he said. Which was also nonsense, but J thought it was particularly funny that after he paced and frantically waved his hands and acted crazy, he then started to whisper. I think he knew his tooth was coming out, but was too tired to deal with it. In the middle of all this, his tooth came out.

When I got home, I told J that I was a little worried about Bo because I had a memory in my head of looking at him earlier in the evening, and he looked out of sorts. Sort of zoned and possibly troubled. Then J told me about his sleep walking. So I went upstairs and decided to catch Bo defenseless and ask him about his day, in his sleep. (I was sure someone had told him where babies come from and how they get there). He assured me in his sleep that the only thing he had talked about that day was Pokemon and Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and confessed that he was really really tired that evening. So I relaxed and said, "Did you lose your tooth?" He said he had not. I laughed and said, "Yeah you did." He stuck his tongue through the gap and said, "No, I didn't, but it sure feels like I did."

He has no memory of any of it. But he REALLY enjoyed J's recount of the event this morning. As did I.

Anyway, the whole point of the lost tooth----because my precious 7 year old is the only child in the history of children to lose a tooth....

This morning he was talking about his friend's sister (who he is going to visit) and said, "Tharah thaid thomething about theeing...." and I totally burst out laughing. He can't say his "S's". It's totally awesome. It's not that exaggerated, but I didn't know how to type the in between sound of S and Th. I'm pretty sure that is what I'm going to miss the most this week. His newly acquired lisp. It's a toss-up between that and hearing how haaaaaaaaaaaard everything is for him anymore. Pretty sure I'll miss that too.

G'night Y'all!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Some Things Just BEG To Be Shared

This morning I was barking orders for the kids to put on shoes, finish eating, brush teeth, put away the DS, stop whining, wash their face, get over here, stop touching me, etc, etc, etc.

Bo's school papers hadn't been unloaded from his folder yet so I told him to empty it out and pack up his backpack.

He brought me a book his class had made. It was a book of inventions. I flipped through it, enjoying the sweet first grader scrawl of his classmates, and their creative inventions.

Of course I was anxious to get to his page. I wanted to see if my first grader would have the intellectual capacity to single-handedly change the world with his innocent little first grade idea.
I can see how he thought the idea was a new one, but once he employed his artistic skills....