Monday, February 16, 2009

Dripping With Sarcasm

I always get great ideas for a post when I'm driving in my car. Or taking a shower. Or falling asleep. Or cooking dinner. Really inopportune times, and then when I'm sitting in front of the computer, I remember nothing.

It's probably lucky for you. I'm not sure I'm the best judge of what a "great idea" is.

One thing I realized while driving today, is that I may be using sarcasm more than I realize. And I need to stop. Personally, I do think sarcasm is a weak version of humor. That's not to say I don't appreciate some well-placed sarcasm. But I can also get really annoyed with persistent and unfunny sarcasm.

Avee's little Pho Restaurant is closed for renovations. This is very sad for all of us, but particularly hard on Avee. So hard, that she's starting to think everything is closing. So when I went to the bank drive-thru to get cash from the ATM, she informed me that it was closed. And even though I told her it wasn't closed, she maintained that it was.

That's where Bo comes in. He's this little midget "enforcer" with no authority. ("That's right Avee, get your pajamas put away! We're tired of asking!")

So Bo told her that it was not closed.

And Avee said it was closed.

He said it was not.

She said it was.

It was not.

It was.

Was not.


And so forth.

Moments before my head would have exploded, I intervened and said, "Bo, how much do you really care about this issue? I mean, is it really worth it? Do you really care about the right answer here?"

To which he responded, "Oh I care mom. I care deeply."

That's where I learned the part about there being too much sarcasm in our family dialogue.

In other news,
Bo is doing a lot better than the last time I wrote about him and publicly abused him on my blog and got put in my place by a concerned blitizen. And by concerned, I mean CUCKOO!

There are still some things that need to be worked through, but sleep, attention, J being home more, and my superior parenting skills (of which I have referred to in the past) have all helped tremendously.

On the other hand, Danyo woke up this morning with PMS. I'm pretty sure that's a completely accurate diagnosis too. I swear I had a roommate like him....

First of all, he woke me up by crying loudly in his crib. He never cries in his crib. He sings, he dances, he yells, and he whines---but he never cries. In his crib.

So I immediately jump out of bed to retrieve him, because that's what an awesome mom does when it's 9:08 am and her 5 year old is downstairs eating FunDip for breakfast and her 3 year old is sprawled next to her on her.

When I walked into his room he started baby swearing and looking for something to throw at me. He wasn't willing to part with his blanket so he settled on flinging his arm at me. It was disappointing to him that it had to stay attached and couldn't fly across the room and slap me. Because ooooooooh, he wanted that.

I started sweet talking him and he threw himself down on his bed and hid his face, screaming even more loudly.

I thought maybe he was frustrated that his sippy cup was trapped between bars. So I reached down for it. He clawed at me. I handed it to him and he gave one loud menacing screech and shoved the cup back where it was.

I sweet talked him some more.

I have always been this effective with the boys.

I finally reached down to pick his stinky butt up out of the crib and the boy grabbed the bars of his crib to keep from being removed.

Now you tell me what other explanation there is for this, if not PMS?

Plus, after I took him downstairs, all while he screamed, I figured he'd be happy once I put him down.

You know the rest.

He wouldn't let me put him down.

I had to hold him.

While he screamed.

He finally stopped when I fed him popcorn leftover from last night.

I think I'm going to write a book, either about superior parenting skills, early morning nutrition for kids, or how to deal with PMS in your 20 month old....boy.


Howertons in Iowa said...

we speak sarcasm as a second language in our house. Maybe you can tell, maybe not....I do know that it is probably super healthy and important to do so when you have a child with learning disabilities. He totally gets it. Okay, maybe that was sarcasm, but it's hard not to be.

I also get "really" good ideas when I am in my car, doing the dishes or in the shower - I never thought of it as an inopportune time, just one where it is actually more quiet than usual and provides me time to think without as many interruptions. I do however stop thinking about anything else so that I will remember what it was that I thought was so great in the first place cause well, otherwise I would forget.

What was I saying?

Howertons in Iowa said...

okay - now that I have actually read your whole post, I didn't want to forget my first comment, so I had to write it before I finished reading. and don't make fun of me, I have seen others comment more than once on here, I won't name names though cause this ain't my blog and whatnot.

I would be interested in reading a book written by you and your stellar parenting skills. I probably would not claim to use said skills, but secretly I would.

I think Bo is a really smart kid and I love his sarcasm and midget patrol - totally made me laugh!
As far as your 20 month old - it is totally PMS. Not that I am Dr. Phil or anything - but it feels good to just agree with you. I should get an award for that.

Sarah said...

wow you have awesome mornings!! I needed the good laugh today thanks! as far as sarcasm, I hate it. before my husband if I dated a man and he was the least bit sarcastic I would end the date as fast as possible, I have always thought it was rude and sometimes cruel.

omar said...

Wait, you picked up the one who was crying? Picked him up from his crib, where he was contained?

On purpose?

Sara said...

All I want to know is - how did you get him to sleep till 9:08 am?! I'm pretty sure that is a superpower. Forget all the other topics - just write a book on that. And I am NOT being sarcastic.
BTW, thanks for making me laugh - again. The "I care. Deeply"-comment had me laughing so hard. Heh.

jm said...

Girl!!! You crack me up every time I read this blog!

Mrs Lemon said...

Thanks to you, I need a lung transplant in the morning, since I coughed mine up laughing OUT LOUD about the baby swearing. Z does the same thing, he'll look around wildly for something to throw at me.

Heffalump said...

The best deterrent of sarcasm in our home has been having a child with Autism (high functioning) who has a very concrete mind. He does NOT get sarcasm at all and takes everything you say seriously. He even sometimes takes it beyond what your actual words are. He can't comprehend sarcasm, so we have had to learn to tone it down, and it has been good for us.

ucmama said...

He was mad cause his arm couldn't detach and fly across the room and slap you?!?!? That is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!

And I'm kind of afraid to ask, but... You had a roommate who slept in a crib and woke up screaming? Were there nice people in white coats who gave you candy in little cups where you lived?

ucmama said...

And that comment was totally NOT sarcastic, just so you know.

The Queen said...

oh my,, I had to go read and see if anonymous had been here.. so sad to see not.. BUT ANYWAY..

peed... arm wouldn't slip off and fly across the room to slap you.. omg girl.... be kind to an old bladder here...

Klin said...

I had no idea that you could use too much sarcasm. Are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure that sarcasm is preferred far above taking life too seriously and getting up at 6 AM. In my world anyway.

In other news I made french toast and cheesy scrambled eggs for breakfast. My kids thought it was Christmas again. Good part is I didn't even get out of bed until after 9:10 AM cause my hubs texted me to see if I was still sleeping.

Uhm, Heck no! I was in the contemplation stage of change, should I roll over or get up and go pee.

Oh sorry, this is your blog. You bring out the best in me. Love ya.

Klin said...

I forgot to mention that I always forget my great blog ideas, too. They just slip away, gone forever.

That's why my blog is well, kinda lame. Yep.

steffj89 said...

ROFL at the baby swearing. My two month old doesnt do this yet, but when my almost 5 year old was little and just learning to talk he did the baby swearing and we used to roll because the only two comprehensible words in the string were always dada and truck...
I used to tell my husband he was going to tell his daddy on me and drive off in the truck...
come to think of it...there are still times that child is going to tell daddy on me and go live in daddys truck.
I needed this laugh tonight.
great post!

Code Yellow said...

FunDip and Popcorn for breakfast. I wish I was Anonymous so I could rant about the nutrition you are depriving your children of. But alas, I don't care that deeply. I just think it's awesome. Wish I could have some FunDip right now. The whole world is better when dipped in fun (aka colored sugar).

Toddler PMS. Now that is a truly superior diagnosis. Love it!

Sarah Tilley said...

we've already had the sarcasm talk at home, i.e., explaining to henry what it was and why we use it so much. he hasn't caught on yet, though. his idea of humor is to try to covertly stick an obnoxiously loud, static spewing walkie talkie behind me and then run off to make farting noises in the other one.

Millie said...

Totally sounds like PMS, and I second Omar's comment.

Bri and I are in the habit of using too much sarcasm... I wonder if our children will be scarred for life. I kind of think so.

Tori :) said...

I'm with Omar- totally. I don't deal with whiny kids. Because I am an awesome mom.

Liv has been saying "Whaaa freakin' whaaaaa" since she was 2. I don't know where she learns this stuff...

CoconutKate said...

How is Fund Dip and Popcorn that different from Lucky Charms? Really. I feed my child healthy leftover pizza or whatever else I can find in the fridge or on the counter, that is if I remember to feed her. Hot dog buns are the food of choice though.

Charlotte said...

My best realizations come straight from the mouths of my children. As do my best blog ideas. As does (eventually) all the sarcastic things I say.

I love your diagnosis. Did you try giving him chocolate? I thought that was the standard treatment for PMS.

Beckie said...

I bet you if you left Danyo in the crib long enough, he probably would have ripped his arm off and thrown it at you, or at least shoved it down your throat.

I blame myself really, I mean all the talks of Casey being like that must have been absorbed into his little fetus brain and he decided to run with it. Sorry.

Cindy said...

We do a lot of sarcasm here, too. Just today Parker asked for pop, so I gave him his sip cup with his "pop" in it. He handed it back to me, rolled his eye, took my cup of pop and said, "gank you." And walked to his table. Sat down and started drinking. Really?

I had a boy in the daycare center that I used to work at and he was Danyo's age and everytime I asked him to be nice or don't take that toy from your friend. He would look at me with a scowl, and and talk for about 10 seconds in conversation that I could not understand. Then say..."Ciny." I know he was baby swearing at me and just to make sure I knew it was intended for me. He said my name at the end. PMS??

Whatever book you write...will be awesome! make sure you mention my name on Opera!!LOL

Plain Jame said...

I dont understand people, nor associate with them if they NEVER use sarcasm. I just dont get them. They are usually the type of people that put on the facade of being perfect, and having such a wonderful life - I dont support that!

So for baby swearing and PMS, I've experiences that all too well. Try chocolate for breakfast instead of popcorn. Even in boys it's a miracle worker.

InkMom said...

Blog ideas happen for me in the car, too, but reserve the shower for conversations with God. I'm serious -- my kids are much less likely to interrupt me there. And that's usually where I am when I get answers, too.

Baby swearing! Genius, I tell you, genius -- I'll be using that phrase from now on, and, just so you know, I probably won't give you any credit. Just so you know.

No Cool Story said...

Why are you calling our anonymous "CUCKOO"?

No Cool Story said...

"Oh I care mom. I care deeply."

Thatta boy.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

with ya' on so much of that! My daughter had a kicking, screaming, hysterical meltdown this morning because she didn't want OUT of her car seat. . .maybe it's the moon. . .Anyone know if it's a full moon? BTW, anytime you feed your child, it's good parenting in my book--regardless of what you're feeding them! (I am the poptart queen!) : )

rychelle said...