Monday, December 15, 2008

Please See Attached Resume

I think I've missed my calling in life. This morning Avee insisted that I snuggle with her while she watch tv. I can't read, I can't talk on the phone, I can't even talk to Danyo. And I definitely can't watch what I want. I am an object to her. Good for snuggling and periodically unwrapping a corndog.

Soon enough my upright snuggling turns into zonked out on the couch with a dead weight arm flopped across my princess.

And as I come in and out of consciousness, I hear the ridiculous words to the commercials they play for kids toys. I have spent a lot of time in my adult life, taking classes, talking to people, reading, researching, exploring, wasting time and money, trying to find the perfect fit for what I want to do when I finally grow up.

Turns out, it was there all along, but I may have missed the window of opportunity.

Writing jingles for kids commercials.

It never occurred to me before how insipid those songs are. I could do so much better than what is currently out there. I just heard someone rhyme "play" with "playwithallday".

So, here are some of my ideas.

Wiiiii a game for the fam-uh-leeeeee
Sell your firstborn to get a game or two
Swing the 'mote & whack the babeeeee
Scream and fight like real families do!


Oh darling cheap little purple stroller toy
For moms to trip over it's better than a truck!
A favorite for your sweet baby boy
He'll scream like a banshee when it gets stuck.


A perfect snack for after your nap
No red dye 40 to make it appealing
Yes it is good, and nice kids don't say crap
Why is that noodle up on the ceiling?


A sweet little footstool to help your precious one
Step to the sink to brush his pearly whites
Or for a princess to help with cooking for fun
Oh don't be silly, there won't be "so many fights"
No, one child won't decide when the other is done
And push him right off the stool only after she bites
Or using it to climb counters to get to a snack--
Oh don't be silly, we know kids won't use it for that!

And probably my most important contribution to the commercial jingle world. I believe this could be used over and over and over for many different things. Kind of like Josh Grobin's songs.

Hey kids! See this piece of crap that looks twice as big on your TV?
Go yell at your parents to WATCH THIS WATCH THIS WAAAAAATCH IT!
But wait, don't stop there, keep asking them to go to pieceo'crap.com to see
And if they don't, make sure you throw a holy baboon mother of a fit
Ignore them when they remind you of all the toys you already don't play with
It's not true kids would rather play with cell phones, tampons, & a toilet brush

I'm sure you'll agree--I have a natural talent here.

25 comments:

Sketchy said...

If only I hadn't already missed my calling as an Ad-Agency Executive, girl you would have a job!

ucmama said...

you're taking a break, huh? No, I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it. I'm glad you're posting to so I don't have to try to make anything else rhyme with vestibull of lights.

ucmama said...

A holy baboon mother of a fit!!!! I can die happy now after reading these jingles!

MommyJ said...

you are funny. not so good at jingle writing though. You didn't really convince me to buy one single thing. except the piece o crap. that actually sounded intriguing.

Suzanne said...

Nobody, you made me LOL! You are so clever and talented! When do you have time to come up with all the hilarity? :)

Super L said...

I am also now going to regularly insert the phrase holy baboon mother of a fit into my daily conversation. You and UCMama and making me sound much funnier than I am!

Also, what does it say about what I have grown used to from you that that is totally not what I expected you to rhyme with truck?

Have you seen the Word Girl about "The Thing"? You should write a jingle for that too . . .

InkMom said...

I'm tempted to really try out piece'ocrap.com, but kind of scared also. I'll let you know if I ever work up the nerve.

Sarah Tilley said...

haaahh! i wish with all my heart you were a jingle writer- i get up early saturday mornings just to watch the commercials...

hey, apparently the domain pieceocrap.com is unclaimed- you could make your dream a reality!

S said...

Yes that is raw natural talent! I think I will pass on the stool.
Ah S Babcock days flooding back, remember picking out toys from commericals for her parents to buy us:) I mean for shelly!

Howertons in Iowa said...

Soo Funny!
You are very talented.
I think the commercials are Garbage and I might actually pay attention if you were writing the jingles.
I really like your interpretation of kids trying to get your attention to watch something they want - so very true.

Cindy said...

Parker is very fond of the plunger and pulling the toilet paper from the bathroom down the steps.

You are very talented...and adding jingles to your list does not surprise me!!

Mycurlyhairdays said...

Glad to see you back and survived the weekend! And as spritely as ever!!!
I agree with UCmama, I was also surprised at the rhyme with truck that you did. Well, maybe it's just us!
Commercials, the bane of my existence! I tell me girls to save up all their wants until it's their birthday. I don't need to hear it everyday.

PS I thought you were going to say that your calling in life was some kind of sleeping, kid hanging out with-er, fire hazard (oh wait, no) or something! My bad!

omar said...

He was on TV just a few short weeks ago, and now he's on the internet holding tampons. It really is sad what happens to child stars.

sarah said...

lol omar

Nancy Face said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I think you could con me into buying just about ANYTHING with those jingles of yours! :D

Klin said...

I'm immune to commercials. They never work.

I'd let my kids listen to your jingles. Then they'll agree that it's all a scam like I tell them.

Barnecked Lady said...

1st of all I can totally relate to the watch this scenario, DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!!!!!!! Then the tears and the meltdown when you are stuck on the toilet and can't come watch it. lol.
2nd of all, excellent jingle writing.
3rd or all...omgosh when did danyo grow up and he looks so much like BO!
4th of all, if I don't catch you on messenger soon arrrrrrrrrrgh! STOP avoiding me. jk.

ucmama said...

too true Omar. Soon we will be seeing pictures of D on TMZ smoking crack with Amy Winehouse.

Tori :) said...

Those were awesome!! What's funny is it doesn't even have to be a commercial aimed to kids and I still have Taj telling me stuff like "You need roll and grow. You just roll it out and water it."

I snuggled with Taj today and totally fell asleep. But I did not wake up with clever jingles.

InkMom said...

So I checked . . . Sarah Tilley's right, pieceo'crap.com is available, but pieceofcrap.com is nice and taken. And apparently, the way you totally diss on someone on the web is to name their site but hyperlink to pieceofcrap so that's what people see when they click. (I'm a little scared of the topics you can click on from there . . . didn't wish to contaminate my browser any further. Maybe someone else is willing, to satisfy our collective curiosity? No? Didn't think so.)

Scary how uninformed I am about this medium to which I have so wholeheartedly opened my mind, my heart, my entire psyche.

And also, I was sure this was going to be a really hilarious comment. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done all that extra work to find out about pieceofcrap. Funny how it doesn't always come out the way you want it to.

Heffalump said...

I'd like some sound bytes of you actually singing the jingles...or even better, of your kids singing them!

Charlotte said...

When I watch those commercials, I actually hear your jingles anyway. That not really how they go? And all I see is more things to pick up or lose my temper when they get broken 0.86 seconds after exiting the box.

That is what DVR's are for. No more commercials. Much more satisfying to see product placement within a cartoon or, better yet, an intricate online social communtity where kids play games based on toys/cereal/peiceocrap. Millsberry any one?

Rebecca said...

okay thats funny.. and the watch this.. mom.. watch this.. I've stopped rushing and just rewind.. mental note.. move on. and the toilet brush and tampon.. priceless!!

No Cool Story said...

Ring ring! This is Success calling.

Let the boy play with tampons.

Super L said...

Cletus spent three days trying to convince me that I really really needed that thing that magnetically makes your necklace catch close itself. He was ABSOLUTELY adamant that it was the greatest invention since . . . um . . . doughnuts, probably.