Thursday, December 4, 2008


For Sale or Trade
*3 pairs of barely worn size 4t Children's Place jeans
Several outfits consisting of perfectly darling long, hot, ugly pants with matching ugly shirts that don't make you a princess.
*2 brand new pairs of tennis shoes, size 8. These also are ugly and do not make you beautiful.

Please do not ask about the size 9 or 10 summer dress shoes with a heel. While they do not fit anyone in
this home, they are absolutely not for sale for any price.

Will trade for 6-7 warm-
ish princess dresses and matching tights. Tights must come with detailed instructions on how to convince the princess to wear them.

Interested parties should contact the frazzled, exasperated, weary mother ASAP.

I am having a very difficult time with Avee right now. I'm pretty sure it's all normal and whatnot, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to endure. She is a force to be reckoned with.
See these two pictures?

Notice what Avee's wearing in both?

They were taken a week apart.

Wonder what she's worn everyday in between these two photos?

And to bed?

Yeah. The same thing.

It's impossible. I've even let her go out in this dress to sort of let her learn by natural consequences. Today it was 10 degrees, she had this on an some pink polka dot slip-on shoes. She tells me she's cold. I seize the moment and begin teaching her about the importance of warm clothes when there is snow and ice on the ground. She tells me it's not her dress making her cold, it's the car. I have never been able to outwit the way she manages to manipulate reality to suit her.

There have been two times I've started an hour and a half early with the full on war, to get her to wear actual clothes. There are some places I have to go that I can't bear to be frowned at for my bad parenting. Both times, she has had the pants off before the door is closed from coming home. And then she *hides* the "ugly hot clothes" in an attempt to keep me from finding them and making her wear them again.

I love her hiding place. Because 3-year-olds don't think closing a bathroom door is ever necessary, so this is an ideal hiding place.

In the middle of our screaming crying fights (her screaming, me crying) she screams, "Stop calling me Avee! I'm PWINCESS AVEE!!!!"

Here's the interesting thing: She doesn't play with princesses, she doesn't watch princesses, we don't even own any princess books. This isn't a learned behavior y'all. This is a birthright.

In other news:
Last Saturday was the funeral of J's assistant. J thought it would be better if he make a nice, quiet, non three-ring-circus appearance, and was going to go alone. Bo caught wind of his plans and insisted on going. We told him it would be boring. We told him it was a funeral. He was adamant. As he was getting his shoes on he said, "Will I see L___?"

J, without thinking said, "No, he's been cremated it will just be...."

I interrupted loudly with the exaggerated throat stutter. It comes to me quicker than "ACK! BE QUIET! HE'S FIVE!" so I began, "uh-uh-uh-uh-UH!"

Some people may think I'm overly protective of this 5-year-old, and you may be right. But often times my "protecting" is directly related to his tendency to obsess over new information. When we can sit down and have along discussion with him about something, it often helps. But he will go to school and tell all his classmates how they will someday be ashes in an urn. And then he'll ask if we can buy an urn for him to take to show-and-tell and then he'll wonder how ashes go to heaven and how can we tell him smoking is bad for him if they make ashes and we make ashes and then my head will explode and J will come home smiling and say, "How's my beautiful family tonight?" I will be forced to join Avee in kicking his shins and running away.

I just know these things.

So, we said no more about cremation and they went to the funeral. But not before I issued a severe warning in J's ear, "Not a word about cremation."

When they got back I asked them how it went and at the same time J answered, "It was kind of lame", Bo answered, "It was GREAT! But they didn't say anything about Daddy being his boss or working at __________ or anything!"

That night after Bo and Avee had been put to bed and threatened the usual threats of dismemberment if they get out of bed without good reason kissed and and sung to and lovingly cherished, we were downstairs watching a fascinating film. You may have heard of it? A New Hope? Absolutely scintillating dialogue.

And we hear Bo call from his bed, "Mom, Dad? I need to ask you a question."

"What Bo? It better be good, and hurry up!" (If he wakes the other kids, so help me...)

"Uhhhh....If you don't have a favorite fishing spot, where do they put you when you die?"

I can't even remember who answered, or what was said, but we both laughed really hard. And then I turned on J and said, "You told him about cremation, didn't you!?" He promised he didn't, but there WAS an urn there, and they did discuss L____'s wishes for his remains, at the funeral.

Poor poor Bo. He dreamt all night about dying too soon before he could find a suitable fishing spot.


S said...

Is that Danyo playing hungry hungry hippo? SO darn cute, tell him I see his bum!

I truly do not know where you got this Avee. Maybe she was switched at birth, have you looke into that? Of course it is the car that makes one cold, didn't you know that? I am avoiding my car for that very reason. Oh and a need for shower before going into public rule.

Reader's digest needs to hear from you!

Sister Pottymouth said...

Oh what an amazing mind that Bo has.

My sympathies with you on the clothing battle. But her hiding place did make me laugh.

S said...

Oh and so first! booya

glittersmama said...

Is she a heavy sleeper? You could totally sneak the dress off after she goes to bed. Will she wear leggings or a shirt or anything under it?

You could always cremate it.

Tori :) said...

Danyo and Bo are awesome, but Avee is my fave. She is just rad. Of course, I'm not the one "struggling" with her, so she's pure entertainment to me. She sounds a lot like I imagine Liv will be in a year.

CoconutKate said...

Really, didn't you know that clothing that doesn't have some kind of sparkle, etc. isn't fit for a princess? I can totally identify with the diva drama. I have been able to persuade my Miss Fabulous that princess dresses are not appropriate public attire, however as soon as we get home the clothes come off and the princess dresses are back on. Avee sounds quite um...lively...but she sure is cute! :0)

Cindy said...

Bo is actually really, really funny. I hope Parker is as funny. I would love to be a fly on the wall at the B... home and hear all of the funny conversations that take place all day. So Cute!

Klin said...

THat evil empire store W@lM@rt has these decal things that sparkle. You can decorate a pair of pants that would be just fitting for a Princess.

Really though, It took you THIS long to realize that it is her birthright? Uh, Queen Nobody and King J could only have a princess. Duh.

Sketchy said...

Princess Avee. Oh my. Is it Ok that I laughed at this? I mean I know it's frustrating and all, but dang.

And Bo, what a cutie! He would have gotten a long well with Grant when Grant was little. ...well actually they would have probably sat around and worried themselves about all kinds of crazy things that they had no business even thinking about. But we would have been able to chat and occassionally listen to their conversations and just shake our heads in wonderment and then laugh. And that would have been fun.

We could still try it sometime if you like.

Millie said...

Buy tights with sparklies or flowers or ribbons or lacy designs on them. Works for Princess Rosalind.

Suzanne said...

Oh poor Bo! He is so sweet and sensitive. I don't have any advice for the clothing battle. Maybe it's because I have boys and they seem to care less what they wear!

And you're watching Star Wars!?! Woot! Just remember that Han is mine! ;)

MommyJ said...

I can so totally relate.

That's all I have to say.

About the princess. Not so much the cremating.

Charlotte said...

I had a 4 year old obsessed with death. Mostly hanging on crosses until you die. Began around Easter, but lasted a LONG time.

Good luck with the clothes wars. I had a nephew who refused to wear anything but a superman outfit with the underwear on the outside. Boy that was a funny time. For me, not my sister-in-law. What I'm saying is, be glad it is princesses and not superheroes.

S said...

I think you should start with the imaginary friend and move up from there!

S said...

Mom's comment was... if she doesn't buy her a hundred pink outfits that is her problem.

Super L said...

Don't feel so bad--Cletus wore the same shirt 6 days a week (once a week it was washed) for a YEAR AND A HALF! And then, when he could no longer squeeze it over his giant head without tears, Lemmy started to wear it. Every. Day.

I can't believe you haven't blogged about "How many with your family?" yet! What the? So Bo's conversations with ME aren't funny enough for you? Sheesh.

Becky (0: said...

Poor dress! It just needs a day off.

Super L said...

And, not to hijack your comments but . . . I'm totally going to hijack your comments, to tell a behind-the-bathroom-door story. My cousin was once house-sitting for her single college-professor brother in law, and decided as a joke to put a Britney Spears poster on the back of his bathroom door, since he would probably never need to shut it.

Well, 6 months later she suddenly remembered and asked him if he had noticed--he had no idea, but he HAD had two groups of neighbors over who had used the bathroom, and also several of his grad students as well. He was not (very) amused. We were.

Big Jay said...

Super L.

That is an AWESOME story.


Empire Strikes Back is the one with the good dialogue. Sheesh. Padowan.

Code Yellow said...

I'm going to be laughing about fishing holes for a LONG time.

And I can't believe they didn't mention Bo's dad at the funeral - so cute that it's also unfathomable to Bo. I mean, one of the two most important people in the world, and not even a word about him? Hmph.

Aves, Aves, Aves. Does she go for fancy tights at all? There are alot out there. Check out BabyLegs (online), too. I just got some for Charlie, actually, because we get yelled at by well-meaning strangers if his bare ankles are peeking out from under his snow pants. They're a little pricey, but there's some pretty darn cute ones and maybe you could market them for dancing princesses?...(How's that for an ad on your blog?)

Code Yellow said...

Oh - let her shop for the babylegs or tights or whatever. That might do the trick. (Henry responded pretty well when I let him choose which unders he wanted to buy. The feeling of being in charge maybe?)

Howertons in Iowa said...

you could send Avee to my house, where the princesses live with all their girly girl matchy matchy required things and poofy hair bows, I guarantee you she will come home in no time flat. reformed. It takes true talent to be all over done and gaudy like I do. I'm just sayin :)

and poor BO, or poor you, I'm still debating that one.

No Cool Story said...

Yeah, what Big Jay said.

That poor sweet little girl :( You make the car cold for her, you keep on calling her just Avee, you find (and take pictures of) her super secrety hiding spot :(

When will the abuse end