Truth Hurts

Saying "I love you" and other sentimental expressions, does not come easy to me. With the exception of my children, and J, it is a struggle for me.

In the past, I've worked myself up into a frenzy when I've been in a situation where saying "I love you" or something else similar would be appropriate/expected.

I've basically concluded it's some weird fear of rejection that doesn't manifest itself in more appropriate ways, like---in what I wear in public, how I act in public, my sense of humor...

I've come to terms with it, and I work hard when I need to---but I've just concluded that it's part of my makeup.

So, when I was dating J, I made every effort to be forthright and expressive. I felt that this was important in my relationship with him.

When we were engaged, I was living in St. Louis and he was in Kansas City. We were talking on the phone one night and I was missing him immensely. I suddenly felt compelled to share this with him. So I said aloud, "I really miss you J."

There is a pause. And suddenly I've done it. I've gone from cool--easy-going chick he wants to marry and spend the rest of his life with, to that high-maintenance, needy chick who manages to compel him to work very late nights to avoid being around. I could just kick myself.

Then J responds, "Well, I haven't really missed you."

Of course it stung a little, but more than that, it REALLY made me laugh.

What a total and complete dork. I mean, seriously---who does that!!!???

I still make fun of him for that. It's actually the whole reason I started blogging. So I could one day make fun of him in a much more public forum than my own little social life would allow.

That night began the education of J on "Why it is important to lie sometimes in healthy relationships."

7 years into this gig, he's pretty darn good. Most of the time, so good, I don't even notice. There are times when I push it too far and he says, "Thin ice, Nobo, thin ice". That's when I just shut my mouth and move on.

So, it shouldn't surprise me that our little 6 year old carbon copy of J, does the same things.

Tonight I was laying on my bed reading. Mostly I was acting as bedtime warden, but managing to also enjoy a good book.

It's an hour and a half past bedtime and Bo calls out to me, "Mom, can I snuggle with you?"

It's hard for me to resist such a request. But if he comes to me, he won't sleep with the light on and if I go to him, I can't read.

So I said no.

Then 42 seconds later the guilt kicked in and I knew these requests were soon going to become few and far between. So I put down my book and went and snuggled with Bo.

As I scoot in next to him on his bed he says sweetly, "I asked that question because I knew I was pretty much the only one you can snuggle with."

"Mmm?"

"Well, you can't get on the top bunk with Avee because you'll break the bed and you're waaaaaaaaaaay too big for the crib with Danyo.

Thank you Bo. I'm sooooooo glad I came in here for this.

Now shut your mouth and go to sleep. Tomorrow your dad is going to teach you a few things about women....