Monday, June 15, 2009

Our Bedtime Story

"You haven't blogged in forever!" my friend accused me today.

It was a harmless little afternoon at the park, I thought I was safe.

"But, but...I'm right here. You have the real thing, right here!"

She turned the other way and asked the girl next to her where she got her sunglasses.

This stuff is good for me, any inclination to delusions of grandeur. People like me better in print than in real life. Just so you know, as much as I think I'm keeping it real---I'm probably not. I'm way more boring in real life.

On that note:
Tonight we began our usual bedtime routine of barking orders at the kids in between paragraphs we're reading on the computer or guitar hero songs. And the usual cacophony of protests began. Danyo wasn't even asked to do anything, but tonight he wailed just in support of the injustice we were inflicting on his siblings. At one point J and I realized it was just a little louder and more obnoxious than usual, and I looked down at Danyo on my lap and said, "Uh, why is he crying?" Neither of us knew. So I asked Danyo. He writhed, slapped at me and yelled "Nooooooo-wuh." So I think he didn't know either.

Anyway, Bo was beyond tired for some reason today. I caught him yawning several times through out the afternoon and made note that he needed to go to bed early, and that it would be a scene.

He cried through a round of guitar hero. His face contorted by the sheer sadness he felt, while he was allowed to sit and play guitar hero. Then it was teeth brushing time and well, someone had moved the stool. J thought he was crying about a cupboard door being open. The conversation was very entertaining.

Then J tried to kill Bo while helping him brush his teeth. Because that's what dads do with unreasonable six year old boys. Bo was sure J was out to get him.

Then he wailed all the way up the stairs for pajamas and screamed his way down at the complete unreasonableness of it all.

As he was pausing on each stair to emphasize his distress, J turned and said, "Dude! Stop the screaming, you can be upset, but that screaming is ridiculous and it will get you slapped."

The use of the word "slapped" caught all of our attention. No one's ever been slapped in this house. Bo stopped screaming, but maintained a healthy level of obnoxiousness, lest we forget for one second he was getting ready for bed.

I was sifting through a pile of papers when I heard J suddenly burst out laughing. I looked up and looked at him questioningly. He had a letter I had handed him, that was mildly entertaining, but not nearly that funny. Avee was quietly coloring on the floor. Danyo wasn't in the room, and Bo was---well, see above.

He turned to me and said, "Avee just climbed up on my lap and whispered, 'slap him' and went right back to her coloring."

This is why Avee will some day rule the world. You either won't see her coming and inciting the enemy to overtake you, or you will be so entertained by her wily ways, you won't care.


alicia said...

It has been years since I have been first.

I am jealous of your friend that has you in person and print.

I love Avee!

Howertons in Iowa said...

Oh- I think you are just as entertaining in real life. I prefer to converse with you than read it- but reading is just as good with you.
I was sure you were going to share your "I'm going to lift you by your buttocks" story, a little let down you did not share for the whole wide world to see- I can only imagine how much better it would be in your words of a little sarcasm and exaggeration.
Nonetheless, another great post and whatnot. :)
Park again tomorrow??

Heffalump said...

All Hail Queen Avee! Long live the Queen!

Klin said...

You are going to need define words like "cacophony" for me. I didn't learn that in graduate school. ;)

I love Avee. I think I need to borrow her for some of the whiners in my home.

Klin said...

Heffalump cracks me up :D

Kim said...

You also forgot the part at the park when your boobs were sweatin'--I'm just sayin'! I guess I need to get back into the habit of seeing you in person and just not reading about you from thousands of miles away....I just missed you.

Kim said...

This was also more entertaining than Must See TV!

Carrot Jello said...

If you ever need anyone to slap someone for you, call me.

MommyJ said...

I had a dream last night that I met you in person. I showed up at your house, and ran inside, without knocking. You were still happy to see me. Then, we went somewhere together. I don't know where, but I know you were really excited about sneaking off without your kids.

You were wearing a white shirt. When we left, we rode in the back of a pick up truck, sitting on a couch.

That's all I remember.

megachick said...

i'm with bo, it seems unreasonable that he has to get ready for bed while avee is still coloring. what's up with that injustice?

Nobody said...

Alicia:You were one of the very first firsts. Just carry that honor with you for always.

Howertons: First of all, no leaking IRL Nobody stories. All stories must be screened and embellished by me prior to being put on the internet. But it did make me laugh out loud to see in print. See you soon!

Heffalump: El Oh EL!!

Klin: Avee will set the straight. While simultaneously whining. Anyone who calls my house between 7 and 8 PM will HEAR the definition of cacophony.

Kim: Dude. Seriously! See Howerton's scolding above. I don't sweat. I glisten.

Carrot: I'll give Avee your number. :)

MommyJ: Most seems plausible! Only problem. I never wear white. Wish I could say I've never ridden on a couch in the back of a truck...

Megachick: Busted! You totally busted us. In our defense, Avee had her jammies on and she goes to bed a bit later than Bo because she keeps him awake otherwise.

S said...

Keep your enemies close!

Plain Jame said...

For those of us that dont get the priviledge (I just retyped that word like 5 times - oh well) priveledged to get to know you in real life, your blog will have to do.
My meg will be avee's vice ruler....

Sarah said...

maybe mine are to young but they come to me to put them in bed.. it's great.. please say that lasts forever.. :)

omar said...

I can say with certainty that my online interaction with you has been way better than my real life interaction with you.*

I would say that my wife and I are sleep nazis, but I don't like the idea of calling myself any sort of nazi. But I'm just saying that if, for the sake of brevity, I didn't mind calling myself a nazi, I'd call me a sleep nazi. It required me being a little bit cold-hearted at first, but it has paid off.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that if you need a cold-hearted sleep nazi for reinforcement, let me know.

* I've never met her in real life.

Yvonne said...

Now how can you say people like you better in print--I've met you and THINK YOU ARE GREAT!!!!

That little Avee--what a character ; )

Robert and Natalie said...

as much as I love your writting I love you even more in person ...really who else would walk into a drop dead gorgeous guys house and say Where is the pisser? I miss you!

Code Yellow said...

See, this is why Henry and Aves need to get together. She understands the need to be subtle and just whisper the slap command. Henry would laugh and poke at Cal and chant and cheer for the slapping to begin. Not as endearing.:) That girl is hilarious.

Tori :) said...


Have you even visited my new blog? Hmmph.

mycurlyhairdays said...

Why can I clearly see her doing that?