Thursday, January 29, 2009

This Might Be A Little Bit What It's Like In My Brain. Maybe. No, Probably Not. Nevermind.

I wrote this yesterday:
I just heard Bo say, "Bwing it on Tom Mowello"
Translation: I'm a 5 year old who spends too much time playing guitar hero. And also my dad says things that are wildly inappropriate for my age on a regular basis.

Yesterday I left my car running for an hour and a half because I was just going to grab the kids and go to the gym. Neither happened. And so the car ran.

I basically ended the evening with the same kind of stupidity. A friend and I jumped in the car to run to the store (3 miles away) to get some very important ingredients for 10 pm lettuce wraps.

As I pulled into the primo parking space, we both realized that neither of us had brought any money/cards to pay for the very important ingredients.

I'm tired.

Avee told me yesterday, as she was getting into some Valentine's Day candy, "My ears don't work right now and please don't look at me."

That's what we call "covering your bases" around here. Wish she'd harness that kind of thinking for things like, oh, counting past 12 or caring how old she actually is.

I wrote this today

This morning at the gym I realized I have even greater motivation to work out, than I already had. Hard to imagine.

My ipod earbuds keep falling out of my ears. It's really annoying.

After the 7th time of putting one back in, I realized that my ears are too chubby to hold them. There isn't enough room. It's not really my ears, as much as it is my...earbud holders. So, I kicked it up a notch today and burned 500 calories instead of my normal 300-350. I'm pretty sure my ears are going to be looking and feeling great really soon.

Danyo is a grudge holder. This is a problem because he cries for 40 minutes after an offense and he doesn't know why he's crying, and we've all forgotten ourselves, and all wrongs have been corrected and then some, but he still yells and cries. Why did I bring this up? Oh, cuz he's been yelling at me for the last 25 minutes because I wouldn't let him play with scissors.

I got two wrong phone number calls today. The first one was this morning and it showed up as a collection agency. My first response was to ignore it and run. But then I realized I don't have any bills I haven't paid. Yet. And I suddenly had horrible thoughts of stolen identity, so I answered. It was a wrong number. Relieving.

The other one was a local spa calling to confirm an 8am appointment for Saturday morning.
It was not an appointment for me. Depressing.

In matters of blog business:
A couple of people "delurked" on the last post. What a nice surprise. I'm a firm believer in comment if you want, don't if you don't. Of course I enjoy every comment, and I am always flattered when someone reads my blog that isn't like, you know, personally invested in me. And my mental health. Hi J. Hi Mom. Hi S. So anyway, when "strangers" come along and say hi, it's kind of a nice treat. Omar, once upon a time you were a stranger but I think it's safe to say you are far from it since you feel completely comfortable making fun of my posts. As long as you are funny when you do it.

So anyway, thanks y'all.

And speaking of y'all, Tori, you were totally right about the Parent Trap quote. It was obscure and incomplete and you still got it. Your movie quote detecting skills astound me. F'real.

This concludes today's segment of blog business.

I had this conversation at the gym, with a nice girl I met there about a year ago.

Her: So, is your husband still planning on going back to school?
Me: Yeah, it's always kind of one of our plans.
Her: Where would he go?
Me: Oh, anywhere, we'd just move to where ever he gets in.
Her: (Somewhat shocked expression)
Me:(huh, why does she look like that. Is there sweat dripping down my nose again? Dangit! People think it's snot and it's not snot it's not!)
Her: You'd move from here!?
Me: (Completely shocked expression) Uhhhh, yeah. I would. Is that bad? Wait, ohhhh, you think I'm from here? I'm not from here. Yeah. I would totally move from here.
Her: Oh, I didn't realize you weren't from here. So, why do you live here?
Me: Exactly

I think I've probably shared enough. Let me know if you feel it's incomplete or want anymore information.

Oh wait, one more thing: Avee has decided to do away with basic conversation skills and now only speaks to me with lyrics from Wicked and does a three-year-old "whistle" to get my attention. So, say for example, "Bye da bying grabity" isn't immediately recognized as "get me some chocolate milk" then she will whistle for me.

When I realized all the noise was actually conversation, aimed at me. I laughed. And then recorded a bit for you.


Beckie said...

Whoooo Whooop! Is that all a girl needs to do to get your attention? Should have learned it years ago.

Glad I'm not the only one in a fog/tired stupor some days.

I am also going to start conversations with broadway play lyrics.

Adolescent Family said...

Whoooo Woooop! Can't you hear me calling you to come visit? Gosh! Don't your ears work? Maybe your just not looking right now? :)

When you figure out how to harness that brilliance, let me know :)

InkMom said...

You can always shoplift. That's way better than wasting the gas money on the trip back home, right?

I want some 1 PM lettuce wraps.

It took me a minute to figure out why you need to start your car before you put your kids in it. Because if I started my car and then ran it for even 15 minutes we would all die of carbon monoxide poisoning. Ding, ding, ding! No garage!

G-Dog straight up says, "Mommy, go away. I don't want you to see what I'm doing right now." He also told me that the chair "just floated" over to the closet where he knew there was pinata candy from a birthday party this weekend. And that he "made them myself right now in my room" when I questioned him about two toys I was fairly certain he lifted from preschool today.

At least he stole something educational.

I have fat ears, too. Actually, I don't think it's an issue of fatness, and I'd be willing to bet it isn't for you, too. I think some people just have ears that do not have perfectly tubular canals. I have tried ear buds in every shape and size and none of them work. So I got some sport earphones that don't have any foam on them to absorb the nasty sweat, and hook around my ears. Voila! Music to my fat ears.

You should show up for the massage appointment anyway, just for kicks. Except it's 8AM.

Don't hate me -- I've never heard ANY of the music from Wicked. But I can quote The Little Mermaid from start to finish (songs included) and I can sing all the parts to every song in Phantom of the Opera.

I'm a little behind in the times, I know.

I was a bit talkative today. Sorry. But thanks for posting something that gave me the opportunity to express myself. Apparently, I needed it.

That's all.

Howertons in Iowa said...

Actually the spa phone call was a prank. It was me.
But I really do have a spa treat for you if you are interested. There is a Two-fer at a local spa and I thought to my self....
Self - I should take advantage of this with another.
then I said, Self - maybe I'll take nobody!
From the sounds of it -you could use it! and your logic about burning more calories so that ear buds will fit better is a tad off - sorry to burst your bubble. Can you imagine what we would really look like if it were that easy. Small busts, big hips, little ears and a large face - I think they call them ogars!
Hope your days get better - if not, you can call me - I am sure we could find something no good to do!

PS - Thanks for the pep talk. It made me smile, laugh and thankful for awesome friends like you!

CoconutKate said...

Cute. Not the thinking she can get your attention with a whistle, but her whistle is pretty cute. She and my little MF would probably get along famously. :0) Good job on going to the gym! I applied at the nearby YMCA months ago and was approved for a discounted rate and still haven't completely signed up. I'm a slacker.

Klin said...

You should write a book about all the sayings your kids come up with. I swear it'd be a #1 seller.

I love Avee's Whooooo Whoooop! Especially when she does it louder. Oh, and I totally knew she was asking for chocolate milk. Not.

So Danyo is holding a grudge against you because you won't let him play with scissors. Well. . .hopefully he'll get over it by tomorrow or your ears won't work either.

You don't have fat ears. You just have ear buds that are not made for your ear type. They don't make them for me either. They may not fall out, but they hurt like . . . yeah, that word.

Thanks for my daily dose of humor, that I don't get when you don't post. It's okay. I just sleep or eat.

My Diary said...

Thanks for swinging by my blog and laughing at me, I cried for like two hours cus I was so serious and you thought I was funny, you really should not laugh at strangers. Just kidding I was totally being sarcastic and you got it so now we are not stranger but blog BFF's You rock.

OOOOweee, there is so much to comment on this post. It was so funny.

I love your fat 'ol ears, I love that you answer to a whistle, and I love that you forget to bring money to the store, and I love that you remember the crazy things your kids say. I gotta work on that, they are so super funny.

Tori :) said...

Taj whistles the same way! LOL!

I totally understand about your ears gaining weight. See, my watch won't stay on anymore. It comes undone all the time. I asked Sei if he thought my wrists had gained weight and he just looked at me weird. But I know they have.

I do rock at quotes. I cannot deny it. I am awesome.

I get a recorded computer message for "Henry Smith" on a daily basis from a collection agency.

Move here. Please. We have Costa Vida...

Plain Jame said...

I think it's really the plastic on your ear buds shrinking.

My girls get my attention by being incessant. And ridiculous.

You need one of those leash keychains thats on a treadmill or a waverunner - if you fall off (or walk away in your case) it turns off the beast.

I can only speak for myself as a blog stalker (I know kiki in person, and you know kiki in person so at least she can vouch for me) but I dont come read and comment for the attention or reciprocation. I was the youngest of 4 girls and had to work hard just to get a word in edgewise, and I became accustomed to being ignored at a very early age.
Bwing it ohn.

omar said...

If you were in the mob, your name would be "Jimmy Fat Ears."

Don't try to make sense of the "Jimmy" part.

My favorite part of this post: "And speaking of y'all, Tori..."

Heffalump said...

Everyone knows that there is a conspiracy on the part of the apple company to make i-pod earbuds not fit ANYONE's ears, so people will eventually be forced to buy some alternative.
Your hubby should go to school in the Pacific NW...yeah.

Heffalump said...

P.S. I hope Avee doesn't whistle for boys when she is older...
you are going to have fun when she's a teen!

Sarah Tilley said...

hee, avee's so funny. when i bust henry he insists that i can't see him. :)

i love the three year old whistle.

i've never left my car running- for some reason i'm paranoid about somebody stealing it or some kid getting into my car and driving it into my house (i.e., henry) but i have been known to leave the stove on, boiling water completely out of the pot and burning it black. yikes, maybe i should shut up before i get myself in trouble...

Sarah Tilley said...

i hate earbuds- they never stay in my ears, either. i have to use the ginormous completely covers the ear kind or else my ears hurt like crazy. i like how you're willing to unfatten your ear canals with exercise. i'd just use a bit of masking tape.

Sarah Tilley said...

fyi nc has a ton of great schools, plus there are reruns of the andy griffith show EVERY DAY!

Mycurlyhairdays said...

First, some ears are not designed for earbuds..... mine included. You need to get the kind with things that go up over and around the top of your ears! They work great for me, little miss chubby ears.
"So, you're not from around these parts, huh?". She sounded so shocked! Good job feeling at home! (0:
Oh Avee, you are continuing with your mommy training so well! That is halarious!!! (0:

ucmama said...

I've done the same thing with my car before. Only I didn't find it, someone else did and then made fun of me.

And now I have an excuse to stare at your ears when I see you.

Physcokity said...

I think I could definitely learn a thing or two from Avee about "covering my bases"...

Exactly. hehehehehe. Loved this post. Still not entirely sure about the whole car running for that long, but I've definitely done the whole oopsies forgot the wallet thing. Thankfully the nice people there held it for me until I came back.

And I don't even have kids yet.

I'm in serious trouble.

Rachelle said...

I lahhhhuvvvveeeee that. "My ears don't work and please don't look at me!" Good one Avee! You are still the cutest ever. Go I know you want to. Thanks for the laugh! :)

Sarah said...

At least Avee says please in her "please don't look at me"

MommyJ said...

I am still laughing at jimmy fat ears.

I can't ever get earbuds to stay in either. So I got these nifty little lime green thingys that wrapy around my ears.

I just said nifty.

And thingy.

And now to steal my sister's blogging thunder for the sake of a comment, today while we were on the phone, one of her kids came in and said to her,

"Mommy, why don't you go in and lay down and have a little nap?"

she asked why.

He said, "So you can rest."

She said, "What are you going to be doing while I"m resting?"

He said, "Ummm, nothing!"

He and Avee would be dangerous together.

S said...

Hi Nobody!

Julia said...

Nobody, your post was too funny. But, Omar, you made me laugh! :)

We were at the library for storytime over the summer and they had a craft using scissors. I was letting my 3 year old boy try them for the first time, then I overheard another mom say that her son cut the tip of his tongue off the first time he used scissors! We quickly put down the scissors and left, tongue still intact thankfully.

Tori :) said...

I want a mobster name Omar!! Can I be "Benny Fat Wrists?" Or "Barry Wrist Rings" or something????

Tori :) said...

Livie just looks guilty and yells "No I NOT poopy!!" which means she is. I hate potty training.

omar said...

Sorry Tori, your husband's a cop. No mob for you.

Michelle Garff said...

i am commenting so you will know that i like you. ear buds suck, get yourself some skull candy. also, tell j that his cake needs to be on cakewrecks.

Tori :) said...

But no one will suspect that I am in the mob because Sei is a cop. Everyone would trust me.

NOBODY said...

Beckie: Chocolate is way more effective.

Adolescent Family: Yeah, yours has that same thing going on, doesn't she? Btw, "vicious cycle, 12 years and counting" made me laugh big time. You funny girl!

InkMom: I can't believe I didn't think of shoplifting. I'm so....moral or something! I love your comments.
I won't hate you, but I WILL be disappointed until you get the Wicked soundtrack committed to memory.

Howerton: Your comment made me laugh out loud like 5 times. "I'll take Nobody". It's times like this, I think Nobody is the best name ever. I'm TOTALLY interested in being half of your twofer. As long as it's a g-rated spa visit. Okay, PG-13 will be okay.

CoconutKate: It takes more effort to apply and fill out all that paper work than it does to actually go! But funny, still. Go. I have felt great going regularly this week. I mean, i'm still pretty much a fat slob, but I feel like a great fat slob.

Klin: "It's okay, I just eat or sleep" Awesome.

My Diary: Best friends for.ever.

Benny Fat Wrists: One time I asked J if he thought my wrist was swollen because it hurt really bad and I couldn't tell. He exclaimed, "WHOA, it's HUGE!" and I knew it wasn't THAT swollen or I would have had to ask him. So I showed him my other wrist and he went silent. So I said it for him, "I have chubby wrists and we never even saw it coming". He did not disagree.

Plain Jame: So, at first when you said "My girls" I wasn't thinking your daughters. Cuz, I'm messed up like that. Trying to make that sentence work was difficult.
And for the record, you are not a blog stalker. We almost met in real life. That makes us almost BFF's. If that spot wasn't already taken by My Diary.

Omar: You make my blog better. I have to tell you a Tori story. At the blog party we were all supposed to write down something anonymous and then someone else would read it and we had to guess who wrote it. Some were quite tricky. Tori's WOULD have been, except, she wrote something, then asked a question and then said, "I still don't know, do y'all know?" It STILL makes me laugh to think about it.

Heffalump: I have a sneaking suspicion you and I would get along swimmingly. If only the Pacific NW had any universities...

Tilley: Never say never. Until this past week, I never forgot about a running car. Also, I told J about reruns. That might really big a big pull, so thanks!

MCHD: I double dog dare you to refer to me as "little miss chubby ears" in conversation with someone else who knows me.

UCMAMA: As if you need an excuse...

PK: You ARE in trouble.

Rachelle: Hi! Sadly, I laugh at my kids all the time when they're being naughty. Keeping a straight face is not a skill I knew you needed around kids.

Sarah: Right, right. She's a POLITE naughty girl.

MommyJ: I need some nifty things. Probably not lime green though.
I love the story. Smart little guy!

S: Heh. :)

Julia: Holy moly, a tip of a tongue!? That's insane. I was a little sheepish when I realized my son was 4 and a half and had never really used scissors. It's just not something I willingly offer. High fructose corn syrup? Sure. Hours and hours of mind numbing cartoons? You got it! Scissors? Nope.

Omar and Tori: Carry on.

Michelle: HI! I like your "all ecompassing" comment. Are you sure you didn't want to mention something I wrote in July?

No Cool Story said...

No Mob for you!

"My ears don't work right now and please don't look at me."

No Cool Story said...

I think it's scary that someone would think you are, in fact, from Iowa.

No Cool Story said...

You so obviously don't belong!