Sunday, November 2, 2008

I Don't Repeat Gossip

So listen closely...
Just kidding. This has nothing to do with gossip.

My new job is at a hospital. So really---nothing to talk about. Well, actually LOTS to talk about---but I can't. Too bad for you.

I will say this however, there seems to be a remarkably high correlation between hospital employment and hospital visits/admissions. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.

The first time I ever even went to a doctor, I was 20 years old. The only time I have ever gone to an ER, for myself, was when I was 28. I had a gall bladder attack that started at 8 pm on a Saturday night and I went to the ER at 6 am Sunday morning when I finally figured, that much pain, for that long, couldn't be a good sign. Anyone who's ever had a gall bladder attack, knows how very near death I was, going that long without morphine.

And that was the first time I met morphine. Let's just say, from that experience, I get addiction. Oooh baby, I loved that stuff.

Anyway, now I work at a hospital and everyone seems to have ailments and getting admitted to the ER and observation left and right. Even if it is for constipation---they are getting themselves checked in. Shhh, you didn't hear that from me.

Lately, I haven't had many evenings with the kids. As tedious and annoying as the bedtime routine can be for me, I do miss it. Tonight I got home in time to lay with Bo and Avee for a few minutes. I really enjoyed it. Until just before I got up to come down here and Avee said, "Smell my hand" and even though I know to never ever ever do that, no matter who is asking, I did it. And then got to hear her graphic detail about what I had just smelled. I won't make you throw up, but I do need some sympathy. Disgusting little girl.

Before that, she had totally been cute and very Avee-esque. She planted a kiss on my cheek and said, "You're my cutey girl." Well, actually she said, "Yo my cutey goh". And I was touched by the tenderness and said, "Here Avee, let me hold your hand." As I reached my hand out she plunked her foot in my hand and generously offered, "You can hold my foot mom, I need my hand."

Little did I know...

I can't believe I just blogged about that. My kids need a HIPAA of their own to protect them from me. Oh well, I figure as long as I'm smelling things I don't want to, wiping things I shouldn't have to, and bribing for actions that should come naturally---then I can blog what I want.

Then when they are smelling, wiping, and bribing me---they can write what they want. I think that's fair.

Note to self: Make sure children never learn to type.

28 comments:

glittersmama said...

I can only imagine. At least she didn't ask you to kiss/lick her hand. Not that you would have licked her hand, but, um I'll stop.

The Howertons said...

What? No Gossip?
lucky for me you have my number -
Call me.. I am a great listener. :D

Methodical wormer said...

I too am amazed at the amount of lame "illnesses" that land people in the ER. Especially when I end up in line behind those people for hours on end when I am TRULY suffering with things you don't want to hear about.

Sister Pottymouth said...

Dang! Hospital stories, even told anonymously, are the BEST. Like the biker dude, full leather & chains, who called the nurses station to announce "I just sh## my panties. Could someone come help me?" Oh, baby, are you going to have a good time not telling stories.

"Smell my hand"...bwahahahahaha! Sorry, I'm still laughing. What a crackup.

aubrey said...

i would miss the bedtime routine too. i need to teach ava to tell me that i'm her cutey girl. but maybe if i teach her, it won't really have the same effect as if she actually thought it and said it of her own accord. hmm..

Code Yellow Mom said...

You are FUN.NY. And a master of turning phrases. This post is just cool. Perfectly stated. If I was a drinking person and knew how to give a toast, I would say, "Here's to our lives as moms." Because this post is that, in a nutshell.

I'm super excited to be living in a country where the enema is celebrated as a natural part of a person's holistic health. So I can't get admitted to the hospital for constipation. So sad.

Beckie said...

I Love working in a hospital!!! So many intersting and funny things go on there. I really love to people watch! Congrats on the job! As for the hand thing......GROSS!!!

MommyJ said...

Oh wow. Hand smelling... that is just gross. :) Sam has gotten in the habit lately of saying, when you ask him to wash his hands... "but I already washed them today!"

Well okay then. One time a day, no matter what else you've done with those grimy little appendages is perfectly acceptable.

Millie said...

I get enough hand-smelling action accidentally, without people offering it up.

OK, so what's your hospital job? Have you been hiding a medical degree somewhere? I used to work for a dermatologist and his patients were pretty boring.

Sarah Tilley said...

smell my hand... i love it when henry announces, "i got skid marks!" so i know to make a quick exit with a "wash your hands!" thrown over my shoulder.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

One time my man Papi reached across me for something while we were laying in bed. I had my mouth open....I ALWAYS have my mouth open because I'm a freakin mouth breather. But anyway, his finger brushed across my open mouth and more importantly my tongue. I started gagging and asking him why his finger tasted like rotted a**.

Papi laughed and started screaming "DING DING DING, you're exactly right, missy. I was just scratching my butt."

Learn from my mistakes, nobody. You can smell a hand, pull a finger, but whatever you do, please don't taste it.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

We knew people who dragged their kids to the County Hospital whenever their kids had even a minor cold.

They were also illegal and didn't have health insurance.

That's YOUR tax dollars at work, people.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

That last comment will probably irritate some folks. Just wanted to point out the double dose of crappiness that comes from parents who are hypochondriacs and also unwilling to pay for their own constant trips to the doctor and ER.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I've never been constipated. I'm many things but I can never be accused of being full of crap.

Tori :) said...

Um, Elastic... how did you know what rotted a** tasted like? Should I be concerned?

You were at work the other nite when I needed you desperately to chat with me. Instead Jay finally came on and was like, "She at work. Leave me alone." Just kidding. He didn't say "Leave me alone."

Tori :) said...

Actually Jay said "She'S at work." Not "she at work."

Suzanne said...

So you really can't spill about the emergency room stories? Dang, they are some of the best. Especially ERs in college towns with frat houses.

Well, in Avee's defense, idle hands are the Devil's tools! ;D

Super L said...

Oh, SURE, my family can confide all of our most secret secrets to assorted members of your family, but you can't share your good hospital stories with me? Right.

ucmama said...

I would take a stink palm any day over an unfindable smell in the living room. At least you can run a hand to the bathroom...

Heffalump said...

Once when one of my boys was younger he fell on his rear and hurt himself. He pointed to his bum and said,"Kiss it Mommy!" Yeah, I don't think so.
It's the closest I can come to a smell my hand story...

No Cool Story said...

I refuse to comment on this post.

WHERE ARE MY HALLOWEEN PICTURES?!?!?!!????

>:(

I waited all day to sit here and enjoy Halloween pictures of Bo, Avee and Danyo.
I feel let down Nobody!

No Cool Story said...

See this? This is what I was expecting :(
My little heart is borken.


Please tell me you took pictures.

No Cool Story said...

Ok, I will comment.

Any time anyone ever anywhere asks you to smell something you just don't. Everyone know that.

How are you special to bypass this important rule? What is it you're up to, anarchy?

Klin said...

"Then when they are smelling, wiping, and bribing me---they can write what they want. I think that's fair."

Well that gives me something to think about.

So sorry about the gall bladder attack. I don't actually know what a full on attack feels like. I had one stone. ONE. It made be feel nauseous so I went to the doctor and he found it so we got it out. I was too whimpy to wait for the full on attack. I did NOT go to the ER, I'll have you know. I avoid that place like the plague.

Andrew said...

Nobody, it takes that long to train to be a janitor in a hospital? *Sheesh*

ElasticWaistbandLady, your annoyance in the emergency room only gets better if you happen to live in California and speak Spanish. Before I ever really got into politics, I was outraged sitting in the ER with my 18 month old screaming from an ear infection as people calmly discussed wanting to get antibiotics for their mild colds in Spanish. It was all I could do not to tell them all to go home ant take Dimetapp before I went postal...

Andrew said...

Maybe I should proof read before posting.

Amanda said...

You could share hypothetical stories, that really isn't gossiping. Right?

Oh, the fun things you get to experience when you are a parent, like hand smelling. Yuck!

Bonnie said...

Oh my goodness !!! This is my first visit to your blog and wow ... I'm so coming back !! This post had me cracking up !! Loved it !!