Monday, November 10, 2008

Let's Get Ready To Raaaaaaaamble!

Recently I was meandering through the grocery store and came upon "Classic" Wonder bread. I had just been thinking about it, wondering if that kind of bread was still sold, and wondering if I, a healthy 30-something adult who actually enjoys vegetables and whole grain, would still think this kind of bread was crack with a crust. So, you can imagine my delight when I saw it displayed, and available to me for a mere $2.89.

I was not prepared for all the emotional baggage that would come with this loaf of bread. Growing up, if it wasn't sturdy enough to sprout legs, and well---had sprouts in it----we didn't eat it. My mom made "cookies" that were basically a list of every Health Nut's wonderfood,(lecithin, bone meal, buckwheat, alfalfa...etc) mixed with honey and a handful of chocolate chips, and baked. They are intense, to say the least. While my friends licked the creme out of their Oreos, and I raised my hand for the lunch monitor to come help me lift up my "cookie" to take a bite. I did notice Mrs Hall's biceps getting more and more toned as more and more Smiths passed through that school...

So, here I am, with my loaf of white bread, the devil's own appetizer, in the privacy of my own home, and no one even KNOWS what I have done. My heart is racing; and my eyes are darting from side to side. Did I just see someone walk by?! I draw the blinds, but that doesn't help. I really wanted to try this bread---I really wanted an adult perspective. I thought about buying some processed American cheese, you know---the kind that is wrapped individually and the neighbor kids ate at will, pulling apart the "cheese" from the plastic and then tearing off pieces of beautiful, processed, untouchable by me, "cheese". But I knew my pounding heart could only handle so much at one time. Plus I got embarrassed just thinking about how me and my siblings used to try and bum sliced cheese or whole pickles off of the neighbor kids. "Please, just one spear? Pleeeeeeeeaaaaase? I'll give you 12 of these hamburger slices for just one little spear!?"

I haven't gotten over feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't. It's pretty yummy, but in no way filling or even any kind of excuse for real food. In an effort to get through the loaf of bread in a timely manner (I won't feed it to my kids and I hide it from J), I have resorted to eating it under the computer desk, behind my knees, sometimes under my shirt. Right next to Avee with her Halloween candy contraband. It works for us.

A Few Things That I've Learned or Have Been Reaffirmed This Week:
I am not the boss of Avee. I'm not sure if anyone is.

Odor Shield trash liners are no match for what Danyo can do with a diaper.

Mastering the Rubik's Cube just
might be J's greatest accomplishment in life, thus far. According to him. Not me.

Avee is no respecter of persons or locations when it comes to stripping down.
Apparently everywhere is just too hot for her anymore. Probably a side effect of having no boss. When I went to pick her up from her church class, I couldn't find the cute little redhead in a denim dress. I did find the cute denim dress hanging on a door knob though. Her teacher looked at me a little sheepishly and said, "It's reeeeaaaaaalllly hot in here." Yes, I know. It's hot everywhere she goes. She wore her dress out like a leisure jacket.

A 17 month old baby burping loudly, three times in a row, will still make 2 grown women laugh like a couple of 8 year old kids.

Spending time with friends is definitely one of my favorite pastimes.

Things are not always as they seem. Case in point: A person came into the ER and I pulled up her demographics sheet to go into her room and register her. All I see is a very basic description of what is "wrong". On that portion of her sheet it said, "Cannot stop sn**zing" (I don't want any part of this story google-able). That's two e's, not two o's. So when I see it, I immediately roll my eyes and thing, "Dude, GET A LIFE!" Then I put on my pertiest smile and go into the room. When I walk in, she is sitting up and looks like she is breathing/panting quickly, as though in labor. I immediately think that I've gone into the wrong room, and start to back out, when I hear a very strange noise emitting from her facial region. It sort of sounded like a cat coughing up a hairball. Over and over and over and over. It was CRAZY and unreal, and a little bit hilarious. I got the information as quickly as possible, me scribbling madly on the paper, she hairballing madly on the bed. I exit as quickly as I can, and go sit at my desk. I put my head down in my hands and start laughing almost uncontrollably. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a heartless wench. Much. I was laughing at myself for judging what was on her form. I had no idea it was possible to do that. One of the nurses saw me laughing and asked if it was because of Sn**ze Girl. I nodded, guiltily. And he says, "Oh---she's faking---she's always in here doing that." That just about done me in altogether. I am no stranger to hypochondria. Believe you me. I am quite certain this takes the cake. Plus, what a lot of work!!!

I ask you---who else do you know can start a post with Wonder Bread and end with a whole new brand of hypochondria?

That's what I thought. Nobody.


Beckie said...


Beckie said...

OK now to what I was going to say! Wuold you admit me if I worte down that I was having a severe withdrawl to not reading Nobody blogs daily? Or do I have to fake coughing up hairballs to get your attention? HOW funny.
Honey, if your worst guilty pleasure is wonder bread, you are a saint. Mine's that fake nacho cheese stuff.

Sister Pottymouth said...

Awesome. I used to sneak out slices of white bread (on the rare occasions when my mom would buy it) and roll pieces of it into balls to eat on the sly. Such good memories...

Did I ever tell you my favorite hospital story? It happened to a doctor that my sister works with. So this doctor was working the ER one night and this young girl came in (with her mother). Based on the girl's symptoms, and as par for the course, they ran a pregnancy test, which came back positive. The doc went in to the room and told the mother and her daughter that the pregnancy test was positive. The mother was furious and immediately ripped into this doctor about how that was impossible, how her daughter had never even kissed a boy, etc., etc. The doctor walked over to the window and looked outside up into the sky. The mom, curious, asked what he was doing. He replied, "Well, the last time this happened, a new star appeared in the sky."

Needless to say, the man nearly got fired. But it's one of my favorite stories.

And if I ever get to meet you face to face, will you imitate that fake sn**ze sound for me? I so want to hear that. ;-)

dancin' momma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sketchy said...

Nobody is a blogging hero.

Yeah...wonderbread...that stuff is crap. It's like eating airy and bland nothingness.

And my theory of parenting is maybe its tougher if you have a strong-willed child, but it's only tougher right now. Because she insists on having answers she can understand an making decisions for herself is not necessarily bad. You'll teach her how to make good decisions all her life instead of pitchforking her into the world with no idea how they will get along when confronted with trials and temptation. She'll be ready, practised and prepared.

Or at least that's what I tell myself to encourage myself. I'll tell you how it works out in about 10 years...that will give you a couple extra years to work on Avery in case my theory doesn't work out.

Tori :) said...

We always got white bread growing up, but we never got any good cereal. So, I was oppressed/denied/whatev as well. I still buy boxes of Lucky Charms just for me.

I think Avee and Livie are long lost twins. Livie has no boss. She is the boss.

Cindy said...

Avee dressless in one told me. Well, I can assure you she was not in my class.LOL

For a few days you spoiled us by blogging everyday. I can't go a day without reading something new on your blog, come on Nobody its not like you have anything else to do all day besides blogging to make your friends happy. Besides eating bread of course...I can eat a loaf in a day if you let me!! amongst other things.

Howertons in Iowa said...

UNBELIEVABLE!! Bread and Sneezing had me laughing - but not until I go to the part where Dannyo made two grown women laugh like 8 year olds did I start laughing as if the little cutie was burping. 3 times in a row. In front of ME!
You forgot to mention, that you were whispering and that it was a time when reverence was important!
Oh my gosh - I snorted! Un real that a loaf of bread and some silly antics can do this to someone. You so have to come ovoh sumtime so we can jus giggoh togethoh until we pee ouoh pants!!!

ucmama said...

I'm supposed to be picking up my kids right now, but instead I'm picturing contraband grilled cheese tucked behind your knee caps. Nobody, you're my hero...

Anonymous said...

Ahh white bread with nutello! toasted! gotta bye

glittersmama said...

Dude I love stupid people in the er stories. Good thing I have an in.

So I'm interested...what kind of cookies do you make for your kidlets?

Mrs Lemon said...

would it offend you if I thought this was your BEST POST EVAH?

I used to sneak the frozen cookie dough rolls up to my room and eat it. I'm sure after a few days I was eating salmonella, but I didn't know the difference.

MommyJ said...

when I was growing up, whenever we went on picnics, we bought little mini white bread rolls in a aluminum tray... they bite size and so delicious, and only allowed to be eaten at picnics... because only 100% whole wheat bread was allowed inside the house. We would beg for picnics no matter what the weather. Once, when my mom told us we could each pick out a treat at the grocery store, my brother picked a loaf of white bread...

deprived little children we were. And now, when I want to indulge, I do it. I buy Pepperidge Farm Farmhouse White Bread. And I eat the entire loaf.

dancin' momma said...

So glad my hubby and his "skillz" could help your hubby achieve his greatest accomplishment in life! And seeing Avee dressless in nursery =me laughing hysterically all the way home. BTW good thing I'm not preggers and can keep my cravings under control or my hubby would be making a very long drive to St. Louis right about now. Who knew they could make such delicious ice cream in that town? There you go, my new and improved comment!

Klin said...

Who else can take a very long day that I don't want to finish and yet feel compelled to do so and make my laugh and give me the strength to go on. NOBODY! That's who.

You're the best.

Emily said...

recipe for wondo-fruito-wrappo:

1 slice of wonder bread
Jelly - the kind with NO fruit.

peel off the yucky crust to make a bread square. Smash until it turns into dough. spread with jelly. roll up. devour.

My snack of choice when I was a kid.

Adolescent Family said...

Buzz can not come over when you have wonder in your house. Can you imagine? He would be like a hound sniffing out crack! ;)

Sarah Tilley said...

when i was a kid i was jealous of the kids who got white bread-- all we ever had was "roman meal". to this day i can still taste the nasty crust of that bread. now i can't stand white bread- it's like sugary kleenex.
isn't it cool that all the practice we got sneaking and stealing food behind our parents' backs is so useful today? i can totally see you scarfing down your contraband bread. :)

Big Jay said...

To Glittersmama: Oreos

Dancin' Momma: Let me confirm that the Rubix Cube is indeed the greatest accomplishment I have ever made in my life. Up to this point. The only thing I can think of that would beat that would be to convince Nobody to watch Star Wars

Emily: Bleeech!

Adolescent: We've already made contact with the Department of energy. We're going to put your son on a treadmill and give him one slice of wonder bread for every 2 hours he runs.

Lisa said...

I never had wonder bread growing up, but I did eat my share of sugared cereal and lots of cookies and ice cream.

Wonder bread isn't sold everywhere any longer though. It was on the news recently that they were closing stores/bakeries and our stores no longer have it.

Even though I don't buy it, I thought it was kind of sad.

Lisa said...

Love the faker! That would be way too much work for me!

Charlotte said...

Am I the only one whose mother bought regular bread all the time? I don't think I had whole wheat until I was an adult.

And I hope you tell your fun ED stories. I ask my husband all the time if anything interesting happened at work in the ED. "Not really." Then a few days later he'll mention the drunk lady who stripped down naked or something. His threshold for "interesting" is way to high now.

Super L said...

Nobody is as funny as Nobody. Nobody.

White bread is Leafy Isaac's snack of choice. If I break down and buy it, I WILL find him with the whole bag in his lab, methodically working his way through slice after slice. First he eats all the crust off, bite by bite, all the way around. That way he can shove the whole middle part of the slice into his mouth at once.

The Preschool Teacher said...

That's exactly why I left the med field. Too many "sick" people interupting the real sick ones.