Monday, March 31, 2008

It's All Relative

First: The winners are....my mom, my 14 year old niece, and MommyJ. YAY!

"But when you say a backrub means only a backrub
Then you swat my hand when I try..."

Muy comica.

A month or so ago I was at a luncheon with a bunch of women. It was a casual get together at someone's home. The daughter of one of the women there, recently babysat my children. Her daughter came home and told her mom how smart she thought Bo was because he could type web addresses and navigate himself around the world wide webernets without any help.

Previously, I had told my friend about how my sister-in-law found Bo frustrated that writing "cartoonnetworkdotcom" into the address line of a webpage didn't produce the results for which he had hoped.

Over a period of about two weeks, he had asked me enough times how to spell "cartoon negwohk" as he typed it into Google's search engine that he'd memorized how to spell it. So, once I saw he wasn't asking me how to spell it anymore, I told him "all you have to do is type it up here and add 'dot com' and it will go right to the page you want." Kind of dumb of me to use the phrase "dot com", as if that meant anything to him. But I'm not the only dumb one, it took him another two weeks to realize, "Hey! Everytime you've told me how to spell cahtoon negwohk, you never tell me to type a "g" and there's totally a G in it. See, Cahhh-tooon neeeeg-g-g-g-guh-wohk!"

Well, right after my friend said, "she just thought he was so smart" I replied very seriously, but completely making fun of people who say stuff like this, "Oh, he's a genius!" A couple of people in the room who know me, laughed. I immediately wished I hadn't done it. I mean, I'm constantly thinking I'm funny when I'm not, so that part wasn't too hard for me; but I hated the moment where people who didn't know I was joking, thought I was one of those moms who thinks intelligence wasn't invented until her child was born.

Don't get me wrong, I think my kid is smart. He could count to 100, write his name, recognize letters, memorize lengthy verses, and do some pretty bright things as early as 3 years old. He can read at 4 and do simple addition. I say those things with some pride. I'm happy that the boy loves to learn and has shown a propensity toward grasping things quickly. The next 16-20 years of his life when he's in school won't be a constant struggle for him. I am grateful for that. Do I think he's smarter than your kid? Do I think he's the smartest 4 year old west of the Mississipi? No.

Because ya see...

He also tells me that he will not be learning to wipe his own butt until he is at least 10 or 11. And he's really tired of having to remind me of this every time I tell him to try wiping himself. His words, not mine.

He also can stand in the middle of a room, turn around once tripping over his own shoes laying on the floor as he turns and then wail, "I caaaaaaan't fiiiiiiiiiiind my shoes!"

We can't convince him that boogers are not an Iowa delicacy and he should mess less.

He forgets he's on his way to the bathroom. Many of our conversations end with him saying, "oh yeah, I forgot!"

Closing the door after him in subzero weather is sometimes beyond is comprehension.

Now, I'm not calling the boy out or anything. I adore him. He makes me laugh. I love being his mom and feel pride for him very regularly. But I'm not delusional in that he is loved, adored, and as pride-inducing as just about every other 4 year old in the world.

That being said.

Yesterday at the Y a little 4 year old girl who whines when she talks (I'm sorry, but if we are talking intelligence, your kid automatically loses about 12 IQ points for always talking in a whine) and who is her parent's pride and joy, introduce her parents to two little 5 year-old identical twin girls. She got their names right.

I jokingly said to her mom, "Wow, that's pretty good, even I can't keep them straight!"

Her mom straightens up, looks me square in the eye with all the conviction her little body can muster and says, "Oh, she's very smart." It was the opening line of what I'm sure was paragraphs and paragraphs of all the things that make her the smartest, whining, 4-year-old ever known to mankind. Excluding that dumbhead Einstein who couldn't even talk until he was 4.

I couldn't do it folks.

My kindness faltered (I'm sorry Mom, you did raise me better, but I am an absolute flunky of the School of Tolerating Unecessary Braggers and the School of Tolerating One-Uppers).

I couldn't indulge her. Getting lucky on identifying twins accurately isn't going to win you Nobel Prizes.

I looked away.

Suddenly I was very interested in the sleeve my genius baby Danyo was chewing on.

He's so smart.

He knows to stop chewing before he gets to his hand. He almost never chews into his hand.

20 comments:

glittersmama said...

You are hilarious.

I'm bummed that I picked the wrong line. I think mine was pervier.

What better delicacies does Iowa boast than boogers? (cringing)

MommyJ said...

Sam not only eats his boogers, but openly tells you he does it cause they taste good. I figure eventually some girl will make fun of him and then he'll quit. Let's just hope it happens before he turns, ummm, 16 or so.

I knew it had to be that line. Only because I've lived that very moment oh so many times. Ah, the no strings attached backrub. Was that too much information? Well, you started it. You know the reason you thought it was so funny is cause you've lived it too.

I also hate the child brilliance competition. My four year olds are reading too. They eavesdropped when I taught their older brother. Yay for them. I LOVE a good book, so I'm glad they are loving reading too. Crap. It sounds like I'm bragging. But then, I did already tell you that Sam eats his boogers, and if you've read my blog lately, you'll know he can't put clothes on frontwards... oh, and he doesn't wipe his own bum either. He doesn't wipe at all, and feels no inclination to tell me that he has gone to bathroom and needs me to help him. And he hides his underwear behind the toilet and goes commando for the rest of the day. I know. Disgusting. That totally makes up for him reading already, right? His sister... well, she just really is a genius.


I have got to stop commenting on your blog. Because now I have nothing to write about on my own blog.

S said...

my baby is smarter! coming soon to a blog near you! seriously come check it out.

Carrot Jello said...

Shoot, I didn't know your son was four. Now I've got two kids that I've got to have more advanced than yours.
*sigh*
"I'm constantly thinking I'm funny when I'm not" - I feel your pain.

TheVasquez3 said...

my husband i love love BIG RED PUFFY HEART L O V E reading your blog. sometimes he get's to it before me and askes, "did you read Nobody today? that girl is FUNNY!!"

yep...we think you ROCK!

EarthBint said...

Well I haven't expirienced any bragging parents but I do dislike people my age who think that they know absolutetly everything.

Woohoo, I got it right. I knew I would, because I'm really, really smart. I'm just the best.

JUST KIDDING!! :-)

Pure luck.

omar said...

Nobo, your posts are always so entertaining.

Good for you, Bo! Make your mom wipe your butt for at least 6 or 7 more years. And even when you're 11 or 12, you can still occasionally "forget" how when she tells you to do things like "turn the TV off."

My 3-year old is so NOT smart. When he's memorizing the periodic table of elements, he's always mixing up "iridium" and "polonium." As if those two even sound the same?!

Lisa said...

I think I had to wipe bottoms until they were 5.

My kids were really really smart when they were YOUNG. Now they are just really smart. Or maybe just smart since no one is memorizing the periodic table. I better get on that.

The Child Family said...

um, HILARIOUS! so booger talk is the topic of choice here as well, I took my kids to the dentist and OF ALL THE PLACES TO EAT YOUR BOOGERS! I mean come ON, I just paid to have that mouth cleaned! YUK! :x

Oh, yeah, my kids are smart too. Maybe its the boogers?

Sarah Tilley said...

hahh!!
you're awesome. some folks act like their life is nothing but an infomercial, spewing nonstop bragtamonies about their kids. yeah, i'm glad your five year old is bored in his pre-cal class, so do you feel validated now?
yeah, henry's a booger fan, too. plus his underpants are perpetually skid-marked. he can't read or write, and could care less about learning how to draw or write his name, but he sure can play a mean game of nintendo. that makes him smart, right? as my spawn, he has unfortunately inherited my genes, which means he probably won't willingly learn/accomplish anything in school until he's at least 12. although i was every teacher's nightmare, i got into college, so there's hope. (some of us have to be/have the problem kids.)

Sarah Tilley said...

hahh!!
you're awesome. some folks act like their life is nothing but an infomercial, spewing nonstop bragtamonies about their kids. yeah, i'm glad your five year old is bored in his pre-cal class, so do you feel validated now?
yeah, henry's a booger fan, too. plus his underpants are perpetually skid-marked. he can't read or write, and could care less about learning how to draw or write his name, but he sure can play a mean game of nintendo. that makes him smart, right? as my spawn, he has unfortunately inherited my genes, which means he probably won't willingly learn/accomplish anything in school until he's at least 12. although i was every teacher's nightmare, i got into college, so there's hope. (some of us have to be/have the problem kids.)

Tori :) said...

Oh my sweet Nobody- you are so freakin' funny! And I adore your sense of humor. You make me think of Sei because you joke even with people you just met. I love it!
Maybe Bo and Liv could get married. I hadn't thought of that before... You would need to move here though because my grandbabies are not living in Iowa.

No Cool Story said...

cahtoon negwohk.
Bwahahaha.

What I really want to know: is your kid the smartest 4 year old North of the Mississipi?

No Cool Story said...

I also think we should ask ourselves "did you read Nobody today?"

Indeed I did.

Traci said...

All the extremely diverting sleeve chewing that goes on in my presence is now completely explained. Ouch. ;)

Traci said...

What I really meant to say is, If Al Gore can invent the internets, my kids can invent intelligence.

And this post was VERY funny.

Beckie said...

Well I'm glad my husbands not the only one, who wver thinks a back rub! You are so funny! Thanks for making me feel better, when I don;t indulge people in their "my chld is waaaay smarter than any one elses" fantasy. I dislike emensly (it's a lot nicer than hate)whiners, and even more so, parents who let their kids whine inccecntly. Please tell Beau, that I finally caught that darn bear!

Barnecked Lady said...

SOOOOOOOO, should I take my kid's on the honor roll bumper stickers off my car now?

Physcokity said...

Yay for not feeding into super soccer mommy egos!

Physcokity said...

Yay for not feeding into super soccer mommy egos!