Thursday, January 10, 2008

Time Heals All Wounds They Say

And I should know, cuz it feels like forever, but I'm letting you go....

Name that tune. Except Epsi. You are disqualified by association. Close association when we used to belt this song out ad nauseum. Is it ad nauseum? Oh darn, I've gone and shot myself in the typing hand, posting that preachy tyrade about grammar.

This is a random, "just gotta write it" post, so if you are looking for a good time, move along. :)

My cousin Josie died almost 3 and a half years ago. I posted about her a long time ago, back in aught six when she would have been turning 27.

Today I was putting dishes away and I just suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness. This isn't the first time. I doubt it will be the last. I miss her so much at times, I can't help but feel anger that she's not still alive.

I'm pretty well-versed on the stages of grief, and I've probably been through them all several times, but I find myself coming back to denial and anger more than anything. Sometimes I really truly can't wrap my brain around the fact that she's gone.

Other times I want to punch something because I'm so mad that she didn't get to stick around and finish her PhD, get married, have kids, name one after me.

It breaks my heart when my kids see a picture of her and ask who it is. And every thing I could ever say to describe her or relate how very amazing she was, would never do her justice.

I don't really think time heals all wounds. I think for some wounds, time just makes it so you have to move on.


Leslie said...

i completely am with you on this one. my MIL passed away a month before my second child was born and i absolutely can not get over how unfair that was. when i see people who are like 87 and still kickin' or when people get super sad when their like 102 year old great grandma dies, i just think, at least you had her that long. my kids only have one grandma and it makes me angry.
i try and i try to submit to the idea that i am not the one in charge here and that there must be something good to come out of her early death, but so far i can't come up with a single bloody thing.

see? i'm mad. :(

glittersmama said...

I'm sorry for your sad. I'm sure doing dishes didn't help those feelings at all.

What was that song?

No Cool Story said...

It seems like just a few months ago when I read about Josie.

Eternity is forever and that makes me happy :)

Epsi said...

Would it help to draw your attention to other lyrics sung ad nauseum of a more uplifting and humorous nature?
Some from the same CD even, like "I want a bag for water..."
A friend of mine pointed out to me right before I went on my mission, that I wouldn't miss them as much as they'd miss me because they would be living the same old hum-drum while I was out having an adventure and seeing new things.
I think the same can be said for Josie. She's the one out having the adventure now. I can guarantee you she's happy where she is.
Those of us who knew her can be grateful for the opportunity we had to be a part of the life of someone so precious to our Heavenly Father that He felt the need to call her home earlier than we would have liked.

Sketchy said...

My experience with death has been different. Most of the time I've felt closer to my family who have passed, like now we can be soul to soul.

Code Yellow Mom said...

I'm with you - time isn't really a healer at all. It just keeps moving us on. I can't believe 3 1/2 years...Also glad to know I'm not the only one who gets overwhelmed with grief while doing dishes and other benign moments - it's really always there, isn't it? But it would definitely not be normal if we didn't keep feeling it - especially for people as wonderful as Josie.