Sunday, October 7, 2007

The Weirdos Are Comin'! The Weirdos Are Comin'!

"Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions. "

So, Thursday night I was busily making dinner when a couple of neighborhood kids and Bo came flying through my front door, "Someone's coming, someone's coming! Get ready!"

I said thank you to my miniature Paul Reveres and went to the front door.

A young girl, about 17, was standing there, and for the purpose of this story, I will describe her appearance. She was tall, probably almost as tall as me (5'10") and had dark long straggly hair. She was sweating a lot. She had on a spaghetti strap tank top, too long jeans, and several tattoos on her exposed upper body.

She started talking almost immediately.

"First of all I want to know if you are old enough to vote and if you will vote for me." I heard her, but didn't follow. I mean, what sort of crazy political office was she running for and what kind of moron would look at me and not know I wasn't old enough to vote. I asked her what she was running for and she smiled and said, "Nothing, I just want to know if you would like to help me win, you don't really have to vote for me."

I had mushrooms sauteing. And we all know how delicate mushrooms can be. So I said, "I have dinner on the stove, come in." I still was interested in what kind of politics this girl was involved in.

Well, it was none. She was doing that damn door-to-door magazine sales things. Where they hold up a laminated rectangular card that has a hundred names of magazines on one side and some hokey looking point system on the other side. She's doing it "for her speech class".

They are ALL doing it for their speech class. In California, in St. Louis, in Texas, and now in Iowa.

She held up her laminated card and took a deep breath, but I cut her off at the pass and said, "If you are selling magazines, I'm not buying." She hadn't mentioned magazines yet, so she knew I was on to her. I saw her eyes sort of flash, anger, annoyance, something not friendly. But she quickly replaced it with a bright smile and said, "Okay then! How about perfume!" And handed me the card.

I said, "are you kidding me, you're selling perfume from a laminated card?"
She said, "No, I just wanted you to look."

So, let's sum up here. She has made two statements to me. Both of them lies. And this is her sales approach?

She tried to get me to listen to her spiel, but I just said, "I'm sorry, you don't need to waste your time here, I'm not buying."

Danyo was sitting in his bouncy seat on the table. I give him cooking lessons on Thursdays. Avee came running into the kitchen and as she did the girl said, "Man, you have a lot of little redhaired brats around here, don't you?" I know she meant for "brats" to be funny, and personally I think it's funny to refer to my own children as brats because obviously I don't really mean that. But uh, she's a complete stranger.
In my home. **

But I was in a good mood so I casually raised my wooden spoon and said, "Boy you're batting a thousand, aren't you?"

She didn't follow me. I didn't think she would.

She tried a couple of other times to start her sales pitch. I wasn't even going to let her get to the, "I'm tied for 2nd and I will get to take my little niece who has cancer of the filangies to Disneyland if you just buy this magazine from me."

When it was clear I wasn't biting, her whole demeanor changed. She had this sort of defeated but totally ticked off look. And THEN she says, "Well if you aren't going to help me by buying any magazines, could I at least get a cold drink before I die of thirst out there in the heat." (It was maybe 80 outside).

I happened to be just turning on the faucet to rinse my spoon and she quickly added, "Something I could take with me, like a pepsi, or a coke?" I was incredulous. I said piously, "We don't have pepsi or coke in this house. I have water."

"Something cold, from the fridge?"

"Nope, nothing cold in the fridge, I have water." I hoped Avee wasn't within earshot and would come running in to be helpful, as she sometimes can be, and show her our drawer full of cold drinks. Then I noticed a 12 pack of diet sierra mist underneath our trash can. For some reason, the trash can felt really low to me when we moved here, so I propped it up on a box of soda. So I offered her a warm soda from under my trash can. I am every bit as classy as you think I am.

She shrugged and said, "I guess that will do." As IF! The last 30 seconds she was in my house were utterly shocking to me. weird

Have any of you gotten these people at your door? I have always suspected it was a scam and that these people take your checks and get your info, or take your cash and have a hay day, but that's just a speculations. When I googled to get some more info, it almost looked like it was a double scam originating with bigger companies who use the young people just as much as those young people try to use us. Who knows.

I'll mail you some muffins if you know the quote at the top. One of my all time favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies. The edited version, of course.

** In case you are surprised I didn't get more worked up about someone calling my kids brats, don't think I don't have that same mother bear instinct that others have. However, a not-so-bright girl with a pathetic job, saying something outright stupid, just isn't gonna get me riled. I'd rather get worked up about oh, say, Dwight killing Angela's cat.

36 comments:

Coordination Queen said...

Woohoo I'm first!
Quote is from Office Space. I can't stand weirdos like that... I'm usually tempted to not open the door, even if they can see me. :)

Cyndi said...

I started watching The Office this season - now I see why you're hooked. Dang funny! I actually had one of those magazine sales people come to me and try to give me a free magazine that someone else paid for but didn't really want. I thought it was a scam, but I doubtfully bit and waited to see if it would actually come. We just got our first issue of Disney Magazine. Go figure!

Barnecked Lady said...

Been there done that...even wrote a check!!!! NOPE NO MAGAZINE EITHER!!!! FREAKING IDIOTS! oh, and don't even get me started on you not kicking her white trash out of IOWA when she called your kids brats!!!!
I'm riled up for you. SOME PEOPLE REALLY CHAP MY HIDE!!!!!

Rebecca said...

Yeah.. office space.. you know the address.. get to mailing.. as for the magazine..now that I think about it.. I wrote a check once then called to cancel and got my money back.. that way they got the order.. I got my money back.. wasn't the intention, but it ticked me off after they left that I had been had.. and noone has me, unless I say.. As for the crack addicts.. I mean salemen.. or women.. a nice NO SOLICITORS..sign on the door, it does the job. Idod have to comment the whole thing made me nervous reading it.. you let this woman in your house? I usually won't even open the screen door.
... love the red headed brats!!!

glittersmama said...

I can't believe you let her in the house first of all. When I was a kid, some lady came to the door claiming car trouble and needed to use the phone. My mom let her in but watched her like a hawk the whole time. Turns out she had done that all the way down the street and had snatched quite a few things.

Sounds like she's the brat--something cold? Give me a break.

And I don't answer the door. For a while before I got Glitter's noise machine, I had a little hand written note that said, "Please do not knock or ring bell." Problem solved. No salespeople, no JWs, no idiots. Beautiful.

Luisa Perkins said...

Hah! That Dwight!

Okay, so may I steal this whole scene for a book I'm working on? Because it a-creeps-me-out, man. Seriously. I want it; I won't use your words. Please?

S said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S said...

Look forward to Danyo helping out at Thanksgiving this year, we could use the help. Maybe he could do the pumpkin pies and cranberry sauce? Let me know

MommyJ said...

unbeleivable the idiots in this world. yeah... i'm still worked up over dwight and angela's cat. i've never had a door to door salesman come to my door selling anything... maybe because there aren't enough doors in my town to justify the effort.

Carrot Jello said...

Uh...did you really invite her in your house?? I got stuck at that part. Mushrooms be damned, no skanky magazine girl is getting invited into my house.

Josi said...

Okay, I totally fell for this just a few weeks ago. I chalk it up to the fact that I was feeling so incredibly blessed in my life that this guy shows up, he's from war torn Africa, has a cool accent, and talks about his two kids and how he's trying to get his life together. I ended up writing a 'donation' check for $120--then he left and I was like "what did I just do?" When my husband came home I told him I thought I'd screwed up. he couldn't believe I hadn't heard of the scam before. I put a stop payment on the check and faxed a cancel sale to the number on the back of the reciept. The stop payment cost me $15. I felt like such an idiot.

I wish I was as smart as you guys are--He kept saying over and over things like "My mama always says oatmeal is better than no meal" and "My mama always says God helps those that help himself."

Josi said...

Oh, and I invited the guy into the house too. Yes, the GUY. My hubby said they are trained to do that because once you let them in, you feel more 'friendly' toward them. Worked on me.

Breit Mama said...

Okay, White Bread! Stop leaving strangers in your house! I thought I taught you better.... And Yeah, totally can't stand the plastic card people. I also can't stand the little people w/ the box of trinket stuff where you can name your price, and quite honestly I can't stand the home improvement people who want to know what my next project will be or the Grass people who want to know what my weeding/watering schedule is.. In retrospect I may have an issue w/ door to door salesmen..

Beckie said...

I was accosted by a slimey guy, who started hitting on me, outside of Walmart. They were following people to their cars and absolutly just harassing them. Then I when I got home, 2 more approached me and when I told thme no thank you,they asked why. SO I told them and they were like ours is for High School, but I still said now. Sounded pretty fishy to me!

Physcokity said...

Yes I am shocked you invited her in I thought you would have used the mushrooms as an excuse to close the door on her.

Thankfully we leave most of the lights off in the house unless they are needed which always makes it look like there's no one home, or that we are all in bed.

cindy in japan said...

i ordered a tub of cookie dough from a little girl on an air force base (for like $15) and it never arrived. i'm glad now though since it is my excuse to never buy from strangers. also, please stop flaunting the fact that you are getting season 4 of the office already.

Lisa said...

I can't believe you let her in!! I don't even answer the door AT ALL if I don't know the person. I guess you could have chucked your sauted mushrooms at her if need be, but still!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Myyyyyy heavens.

You have a good charitable streak in you, don't you? That's the big difference between you and me. I would have shut the door in her face once I knew she was selling something.

Allowing her into your home to criticize your children's hair color and beg for soda WHILE you were giving Danyo his cooking lesson - oh, the greatness. I want to be you when I grow up.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

*gasp!*

Carrot said "damned."

Epsi said...

we have a security door that is always locked but allows for fresh air in the house and i can stand behind it and tell people to go away. i'm with everybody else--YOU LET HER IN YOUR HOUSE? and you've lived to tell the tale... i'm going to tell your mom.

Sketchy said...

I do know your new blog look (awesome by the way) is Moody Blues kit from Shabby Princess. Do I win something for that?

Oh too funny on the sales person. The best one I had was a guy trying to convince me he was LDS, with his comment on "Oh, you're clinging to the rod..." stated oh so hopefully when he saw my temple picture on the wall.

Turned out, from his closing comments he was ticked off because some chick he liked wouldn't go out with him because she was LDS and he wasn't. And he made some comment about how he knew I wouldn't buy anything because LDS people will never buy anything. Like we were so horrible for not wanting to spend our money on a horrible magazine so he could go party in Cancun.

No Cool Story said...

Ok, so. This is really freaky.
Remember when I told you my MIL let a sales guy in her house? Ok, so he had the EXACT same script as yours, down to asking for a drink, the exact same way. Exactamente.
Only he didn't call anyone brats. 'Cause we wasn't.

MIL told the guy she was a widower, that she travels twice a year for weeks at a time, that the kids and I were just visiting...Ascary yo, very ascary.

Traci said...

The best parts of this post to me? The Paul Reveres, the cooking lesson, and cancer of the phalanges. You are funny and soooo good at painting the picture. And very nice to give her a piece of your trash can prop.

Suzanne said...

"cancer of the filangies" Angela, you are hilarious!!! :D

What an annoying girl! You were nice to let her in your home. I really dislike door-to-door salespeople. I just don't buy things on the spot. It always seems overpriced or things I wouldn't buy anyway. I think you handled the situation just perfect with the warm pop! LOL!

I have a hard time with the "Living Scriptures" people. They try to guilt me into buying movies for our "spiritual budget." Hey buddy, I don't need a spiritual budget because I have scriptures, church and the temple for free! Hmph!

Suzanne said...

P.S. You give your baby cooking lessons every Thursday??? :D

Suzanne said...

P.S.S. I love your new blog look!

Suzanne said...

P.S.S.S. LOL at Carrot! :D

Suzanne said...

P.S.S.S.S. Stopping now, I promise!

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

And suddenly... all was right with the world.

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...

I'd love to keep reading, but Johnny just wiped his ice cream cone on the couch cushion, and I'll have to clean it fast before my husband gets home.

wendy said...

I'm impressed (and a little scared) that you invited her in. I think feeling sorry for those kids is part of the appeal, you know.

We live on a military base, and soliciting is not really allowed although we get the usual cub scout popcorn sales and school fundraisers. A couple weeks ago, though, it was getting dark and I was getting the last of the groceries out of my car when a guy came walking over. He was tall, with a local accent and I was a little scared when I realized that my neighbor was gone and there was NO ONE else at home on our whole court. I told him I wasn't interested in kirby vacuums and he left, but then I ran inside and locked all the doors and windows and my girlfriend called to tell me she had called the MP's (military police) on the kirby guy who came to her home and claimed to be peter pan...

is this the longest comment ever...

anywho, the police caught up to the guys who ran away. I don't imagine they were arrested or anything, but there haven't been any more kirby dudes around lately. that's all.

Rebecca said...

All I have to add to this is..


















a litte bit more






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Because it seems your comment section is not long enough..
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.and because obnixous is my middle name!!.
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:) love ya!

No Cool Story said...

Rebecca, you clever friend.

Hmmfp.

Alicia said...

You are my blog hero!

Go get that cancer cut out. There now I don't have to lecture you on my own blog.

Can I get some muffins for leaving the 34th comment?

Tori :) said...

Sorry, I'm reading this late...
I can't believe you let her in. And you're a lot nicer than I am, although I'm nicer than some people, I guess...
And sometimes all my comebacks to rude comments don't come in my head til after the fact.

portuguesa nova said...

Oh my gosh, I had this very experience!

Only my guy's sales tactic was to talk really super fast and incomprehensibly about wanting to win a trip and being a college student, etc...

He wanted me to buy a magazine subscription that would be sent to the family waiting room at a children's hospital.

Living here in the suburbs of Detroit where everyone is poor and unemployed and wandering aimlessly, I was a bit frightened to have this very large young man at my door while I was home alone with the baby.

He then kicked the story up a notch by claiming to be the grandson of my neighbor. Well, this kid was black, and every single solitary one of the residents of this subdivision are either middle-eastern or lily white except for one lonely black family who are not a day over 30 and have no children.

He further kicked the story up a notch by claiming to be a third year student the very same college I had just started attending a few months prior. I was full of questions about parking and where the library is located that he had no answers to.

He knew he was wasting his time and then cut it short by just asking for a donation.

"A donation to what?" I asked.

"Um, like $20 or $40?"

"To the children's hospital? To the college?"

"So you're not going to give me any money?" he asked, and then just walked away.

I was left with a thoroughly bad taste in my mouth and started googling like crazy thinking he would be back later in the afternoon for my television.

What a weird underworld of a pyramid scheme this magazine selling business is.

Why the heck don't they just try to sell magazine subscriptions normally?