Friday, August 31, 2007

Aggravated Misdemeanor

Sooooooooo. I can't begin to tell you how validating the comments were in my last post. I try not to live for comments---but we all know they are blog crack. They are. Don't kid yourself. But yesterday, comments were just what I needed. I was sort of feeling like I couldn't possibly be doing it right if such a script is how my day is going. When most of you responded as if I were quoting you directly, it just seemed to make everything all better. So thank you.

Next item of business; I'd like to take you back to my arrival in Iowa. It was early in August. The first, to be exact. I was bereft from having left my friends and Texas. I loved the space and layout and location of where we lived. I knew that no matter what move we made, there would be compromises.

So, when I got here, I braced myself, so not be disappointed, even though I knew it wouldn't be as good. I tried really hard not to hate it. And the feeling would come and go. I'd say to myself, "This is going to be great, look at all this space." And then 20 minutes later when I had 5 bruises on each hip from turning around in the tiny kitchen to put things away, I was cursing the place.

All in all, this place is great. It has some definite perks that I am grateful for. The doorbell is not one of them. :) After two days of unpacking and discovering the different perks, I plopped into bed exhausted and fell immediately to sleep.

BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!! I sat upright in bed, shocked. Oh please don't be trying to break into my house. My husband will sleep through a tornado and I'm in no shape to beat you with a bat. Plus, we don't have a bat. My heart was racing. I stood up and looked out our window that overlooks the back patio area and where our car is parked. There was a police officer circling our van. Next to the van was the Penske truck that would be returned in the morning. I looked at the clock. 2:24 AM. If that police officer was there to tell me we couldn't park a moving truck there at TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING I was seriously going to maim someone. Seriously. I opened the window and yelled down, "Yeeeesssss?" Because I'm couth like that. He looks up at me and asks, "Is this your van?" I tell him that it is. "Well, there have been some break-ins, I need you to come down here and tell me if anything has been taken from your car."

"I'll be right down," I say. What I mean is, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!??!? Uhhhhh, I need to find some pants. Crap. I can't wake up J, he's impossible to wake up. I am SO not coming down there without a bat or my husband..."

I start to brave it and head down there and then my mind flashes of all the damn CSI episodes I've watched and a couple of America's Most Wanted and I yell up the stairs for J. "I don't know if this is a cop impersonator, I need you to come outside with me." He hadn't heard the conversation I had from the window, but he comes downstairs trusting that what I just said meant something.

Outside, our van door is ajar. I had bought groceries and left the van unlocked so J could unload some heavier things. He didn't think to lock it when he was done and neither did I. We may as well have rolled out a red carpet for the thief.

Fortunately there was only a diaper bag left in the van. 12 hours before, my niece had cleared all our junk out from our travels. He would have scored a couple of portable dvd players, wallets, rotten fruit, half a dozen baby einstein videos, and some melted gum.

The dude got busted while breaking into our car and that's why our door was ajar.
He pilfered through my diaper bag. I am SO leaving poopy diapers in there for the next crook.
I couldn't think of a single thing in my diaper bag that he would have made off with, but the officer kept pressing me to check if anything was missing. I was mostly glad he'd been caught and not too worried, I knew I hadn't left anything valuable. And AGAIN (this is the third time my car has been broken into---two other times were in Provo, of all places) the crook wanted nothing to do with my CDs. They were left alone. I guess people are right, my taste in music is awful. Who cares, me and Joseph and his amazing technicolor dream coat will still be rocking---his loss.

The officer dumped out an envelope full of loot they'd reclaimed. A small hairbrush that was well-used and two pairs of women's sunglasses. I was really surprised by this---who steals hairbrushes? Is there a black market for used 88 cent hairbrushes that I just don't know about? Nothing of mine, everything seemed to be intact in my car.

The officer took our names and said if I found anything to be missing, give him a call.

We went inside and I still wasn't sure he was a cop so I made J call to verify he was a real officer and he was where he was supposed to be. He was f'real y'all. So we went to bed.

As I lay my head on my pillow, I suddenly remember I had a wad of twenties that I had just haphazardly stashed in the outside pocket of my diaper bag two days before when we were driving up. Five of them. I did the math. I spent two of them driving up so that left $60. Then, I used one to fill the tank, and then....that left 2 twenties. And I couldn't remember if I had used my debit card or one of the twenties for lunch that day. I was too tired to go back out and check.

The next day I was driving around, had forgotten to check the diaper bag, but needed a quarter so I reached into my change drawer--aka ashtray and it was empty. Swiped clean of even the straw wrappers that sometimes get stuffed into it. That's when I new, the dude got away with my cash.

I called and reported it. The lady who took my information asked about how much change was in the ashtray. I told her, "Two McDonald's happy meal's change from a $10, times about 23." She was all, "I'm not a calculator ma'am, you're going to have to give me a total." They are there to protect and to serve, NOT to add up my stolen loose change.

Either way, I'm out some dough. I mean, does anyone know if the guy gets to keep it if in 24 hours no one claims it? And surely he was released from jail by then, right? Some things I'd like to know.

I'd actually even forgotten about this stinky welcome to the great state of Iowa, until I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From the county attorney. I am officially a victim. Well, right after I fill out the forms that say I am. They want a victim impact statement. And for me to be at his trial. Um, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, the lazy part of me says, "meh, I don't have time for this." Then, the vigilante part of me (which is quite large, I must say) says, "Yeah, sucka, you messed with the WRONG minivan, you're going DOWN for your three aggravated misdemeanors and your one attempted aggravated misdemeanor on my sweet ride!" But I'm not feeling it too much.

On the upside, this place is feeling more and more like home every day. I guess it's true. Home is where the freezer that holds your Ben and Jerry's is.


Tori :) said...

Good thing he didn't get your melted gum!
What a crappy welcome. I'm sorry. Your recap was entertaining though.
Go tell him w'sup in court!!

S said...

I TOLD you to stay crammed into little J's room and we can all live happily ever after. At santa cali gon:)

LLI-Leah said...

Hi there! It's Leah from Texas (pictures)...anyway, "S" gave me your blog address and it cracks me up! Love your banner and your mommy script from the other day - reminds me of my classroom! Anyway, glad you made it to your new "home" safely. Take care!

MommyJ said...

Nobody... I'm glad you found me through glittersmama, because that led me back to you. I don't a thing about you, but can totally relate all the same. You totally made me laugh... and now I think I'll go have some ben and jerrys.

Blackeyedsue said...

I found you via Shelah. You are hilarious! Sorry about your cash.

But I LOVE the comment on Ben & Jerry's. My husband would 100% agree with you.

Leslie said...

texas is sad that you're not here to speak ghetto talk. me and my boo speak ghetto talk all the time yo.
who even speaks ghetto talk in iowa.

No Cool Story said...

I can't stop laughing. My stomach hurts. My mascara runneth over.

Hey, at least you didn't leave the keys on top of the can. I have heard people have done that on occasion. Only they leave the keys on top of cars not vans.
Don't you think the thief would have taken the diaper bag, money, melted gum and van? Hmmm. Off to ponder that.

No Cool Story said...

You are killing me.

glittersmama said...

Oh man. That sucks. My car got broken into in Provo too. What's with that?

And secondly...

Nobody said...

Tori: Seriously, you think I should "stay" involoved?

S: Alls you'd need is a car up on bricks and us in J's room and it would be official...

Leah! Hi, welcome. Everybody, Leah's the one who took the great pictures on my banner. Yay Leah! Thanks for stopping by. BTW, I believe I owe you 5 million dollars--you took some great shots of J. :)

MommyJ: I should have had the momsense video on your blog right up next to my parenting script. It is so funny and SO perfect. Thanks for stopping by.

blackeyedsue--your husband is a Ben and Jerry's fan? Woohoo! Thanks for stopping by. And for saying I'm hilarious. Really, that's all I want in life. And Phish Food.

Leslie--ghetto talk? You do? F'reals? I gots to hear me some of that!

NCS--Oh touche! Good thing I left my ditziness in Texas. Or something like that.

Glittersmama-- LOL!
I was furious when my car got broken into in Provo. We lived on the wrong side of the tracks. My friend who lives in Cedar says she sees our neighborhood on the news regularly. Sheesh. Glad I've moved, over.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I hate cash-stealing Iowa goons. I hope you accidentally trip him one day - accidentally, so there's all the tripping, but none of the guilt.

Glad it was just your cash and not something more valuable.

Beckie said...

OMGOSH! They first thing I thought when I read it was.."Only to you." Seriously, police have no tact....we had one do the same thing but to tell us that our tags expired the next day! IDOIOT! I am glad that nothing like your car got stolen. But who can remember things that may be in your car at 2:30 in the morning!

No Cool Story said...

touche. I read that as "toush-ee" (why? I don't know) it was pretty funny.
I just came to re-read your post becuase it was so excellent.
In case you were wondering I was here.

normanbatesmomma said...

I bet the theif didn't have a good relationship with his mother. My relationship with Norman is what has kept him sane.

normanbatesmomma said...

Make that "thief."

megachick said...

too funny. i knew there was a good reason for leaving the poopy diapers in the bag-theft deterrent!

Methodical wormer said...

The first post of your's that I read was "Sunday Morning", when you said you alphabetized your spices I thought, "no way I'm reading this blog." Good thing I stuck around for more. You're too funny. I love that your inner persona be talkin' all ghetto fabulus. You should hear Glitter'smama talk ghetto, once in a lifetime experience.

Code Yellow Mom said...

How much IS two happy meals of change from a $10 times 23? ;) You are funny.

Our car recently got rifled through, too. The next morning David and I were irritated because I thought he had tossed stuff around in there, and he thought I had, and not put it back. Then we realized neither of us had done it.

There was nothing to steal (left the Little People CDs alone, dagnabbit) except a 12-pck of Coke in the back. He ripped the box open and took one can. Seriously.

But I still felt violated. And one Coke short, to boot.

I wanna see you get your vigilante guns out. But that might be only allowed in Texas. Waaaa.

Sketchy said...

Iowa? You got robbed in Iowa??? I guess I can put my little quaint images of singing cowboys and friendly Aunt May wannabes that I get when ever someone speaks "Iowa" to me.

Its so sad when illusions are shattered.

Carrot Jello said...

My husband is the same way. I'm pretty sure if we had a home invasion they'd be gone by the time he woke up.

Nobody said...

TMM---What I’d give to be trippin’ without the guilt…

Beckie---I would have been FURIOUS if an officer did that to me. Did your J give him a beatin’ to remember? You are EXACTLY right, I couldn’t remember a blessed thing at 2:30 am.

NCS---oh, you’re funny. Thanks for the compliment of a return visit followed up with ANOTHER comment. I had noticed you lurking around...

NBM---I’ll respond to you when I figure out who you are. Until then, I’m listening to MY momma.

NBM2—exceeeeeeept, you CAN spell...

Megachick---how are ya!? I’m not the only one guilty of such stinky crimes as forgetting diapers?

Methodical wormer—May I just call you MW? Honey, come in, shove over the unfolded t-shirts, brush off the Doritos, have a seat, and don’t go NEAR my spice cupboard. There you will find that I make things up on this blog, things that make me look much more put together than I am. But, the fact that you read that first, believed it, and then discovered I’m actually a wannabe ghetto-talkin’ sahm. Yo. Is cool. Just ax NCS, I can get UP in a grill. I’d like to meet Glittersmama for more than just the ghetto talk.

CYM---you always get JUST what I want you to get. Thank you for that.
Cracks me up, you and David are thinking each other is a slob, when really it was Rob.
If it was a Saturday night crook, I’d say he was VERY considerate to just take one. Having people go through your stuff like that DOES make you feel violated.

Sketchy---do you think I’d make anyone feel bad if I said here, publicly, you ALWAYS make me LOL. I lol on my keyboard, I lol on the monitor. Sometimes I lol later while I’m doing dishes. You lol-maker. I have been told no less than 5 times since moving here “downtown ‘where I live’ is rull dangerous, shootin’s and stuff all the time.” So, sorry to “rob” you of your quaint images.

Carrot---Some things you should know about a person before you say, “in sickness and in health, in wealth and in being robbed blind..."

Barnecked Lady said...

ya...i would have come running back to Texas as fast as I could.

No Cool Story said...

Had I known you were scanning for lurkers I'd have put on a stealthier hat. And a mask. And gloves.

Yo yo! Check this out.
Oh please don't be trying to break into my crib.
Just ax NCS!

Candace Salima (LDS Nora Roberts) said...

Love it, you have a way of writing that just pulls me in. That was a hysterical story and the way you responded, oh we are way too CSI trained these days. And oh yeah, leave poopy diapers in there next time. It'll serve the schmuck right. What a welcome to Iowa!

But my friend's moved from Iowa a while ago and were sad to go. They really loved it there, so maybe just give it some time.

If you don't mind I'd like to share a little of what I posted on my blog today. I'd like you and your readers to nominate and spread the word.

Here are the deets:

I posted this on my blog today:

"Okay, I'll admit it. Anne Bradshaw over at Not Entirely British did a really good thing and I am shamelessly borrowing from her idea of spotlighting the most amazing youth in the world. I think it is incredible what she has done and the youth that are the finalists in her contest are truly amazing. If you haven't gone to her blog yet, read about them and vote, you're going to want to do that as soon as you're done reading mine, submitting a nomination and generally recognizing that I'm the greatest blogger to ever walk the earth . . . all right, all right, you don't have to do that last part. As long as it exists in my mind I'm okay with that.

Announcing the Best Husband in the World Contest -- please check out my blog today."

Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?

Anonymous said...

Ok NCS that was LOLOLOL and you are pure genius to even know that exist:)

Rebecca said...

I would rather call then commment!!! :)

Suzanne said...

Blog crack!?! hahahaha! I think I need a fix! ;D

No Cool Story said...

Fact: Bears eat alligators

Luisa Perkins said...

What a dogsock. I'm sure things can only get better!