Friday, September 5, 2008

Weak Stomachs, Look Away

So, if there is one thing in life I am not willing to do, it is to suffer in silence.

I'm probably going to remove this post because I would like for this blog to be a journal-ish type thing for us over the years, and I'm thinking perhaps one particular person won't really be interested in this being preserved.

Although, from the looks of it now, it would seem, there are far worse things that could happen to him.

I take my friend's kids to school in the morning, and she picks them up in the afternoon.

I pretty much don't want Bo walking home, even with older kids because he's like me and a very slow walker and kind of doesn't have a lot of sense when it comes to talking to strangers, not running out into the street, etc. Maybe when he's older. But for now, I reserve the right to be overprotective. And he doesn't like it.

So my friend stopped in after dropping off Bo and said that she thought Bo wasn't too happy about not being allowed to walk home. As she is telling me this, he calls to me from the bathroom. I'm pretty sure he's looking for a "wipe check" as in, "did I get it all" (Yes the perks of this motherhood gig are never ending.)

I stick my head in the bathroom to give the quick, "looks great Bo!" and my face is smacked back by the stench that comes flying out the barely cracked open door.

"Whoa, what did you eat to---"

"It's Sarah's fault!"

"How could this have anything to do with Sarah?"

"She took too long getting in the car after school!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight."

It's everywhere people.

I readily excuse myself from the stench and the scene and go back and tell the others to clear the vicinity. I tell my friend it wasn't having to walk, it was having to crap that put Bo in a foul mood. Okay, I didn't say crap. Crap's a totally vulgar word. I try not to say crap.

I'll spare you the specifics....no I won't. He had to be hosed down. His shorts had to be hosed down outside. His shoes have been hosed down. If I could have hosed down the bathroom I would have. Instead I used half a roll of paper towels, and 27 Clorox wipes. Spidey briefs will not be salvaged. I had to secure my nostrils in order to complete the task, and I have to say, I am quite skilled at cleaning, while simultaneously spraying Lysol air freshener. I think I might actually be high on Lysol right now.

Mr. I-Can't-Bear-The-Shame-Of-Wearing-Jeans-On-A-Cold-Rainy-Day-If-No-One-Else-Is-But-I-Can-Unload-All-Over-The-Bathroom-And-Not-Bat-An-Eye just went about his merry way as though this wasn't the most disgusting thing I have ever had to deal with in the 5 years since he was born. And possibly in the 27 years before that.

Before I could tackle it, I called J so that he could be VERY clear on what kind of...STUFF I have to deal with at home. He said, "Don't worry! I'll be right home, I'm just the man for this job!"

If you know what J's job is, that's really funny. If you don't know---it's only kind of funny. If you are stuck on the fact that I just blogged about poop all over a bathroom, you probably don't think any of this is funny.

Hope we can still be friends.

47 comments:

omar said...

At least he kept it contained to the bathroom. .. ?

I'm really trying to look for positives to point out, here.

Big Jay said...

Damn you OMAR! I hit publish on this thing and you've got the first comment. Have you no life?

I just wanted to add in my two cents... I can't believe BO is acting as normal as he is. Dude.

aubrey said...

sick. i have a weak stomach but i still wanted to read. and..ya. sick.

and i don't know what j's job is so that wasn't very funny. fill me in, yo.

oh man that is a lot of crap, though. i can't even imagine.

CoconutKate said...

At least he told you. I mean, imagine going in there several hours later, in the dark, to put away a towel and stepping on said poop. Yes, that would be poop you just stepped on with your bare foot. Just trying to look on the bright side too.

omar said...

None. Just wait until I get an iPhone, I'll be first on EVERY POST EVERYWHERE. As long as people don't mind me occasionally commenting from the bathroom, that is.

Big Jay said...

Big Jay laughs at Omar. When I grow up I want to be just like you!

glittersmama said...

This just reminds me of something my friend told me more than once.

Kids are gross.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that gag. Maybe I'm glad we weren't hanging out in person today. :)

Lisa said...

I wanted to hurry and comment before this disappears.

No clue about J's job. Does it have anything to do with the show Dirty Jobs? Would like to know, though....so that part can be funny. ;)

Funny, but gross. And I love how he was so quick to blame Sarah!

Kristi Clinger said...

That sucks! Theat is the worst part about our jobs as Moms.
I'm sad to say that it didn't gross me out I just felt sorry for you.
Let me tell if E was home while that happen two things would have happened 1) I don't think I would have a 5 yr old anymore 2) I would be the one cleaning it up as he would be in the other room gagging away.

NOBODY said...

J is an assistant regional manager for a small paper supply company.

See, isn't that hilarious now?

NOBODY said...

Omar, I have never heard big jay swear. Ever. I'm kind of in shock.

Of course, he's also never admitted he needs to grow up so this is a big day of firsts.

And we'll be quoting you for a long time with "first on every post everywhere" cuz that's just funny.

Barnecked Lady said...

J swears all the time and you know it...
Also about the post, been there done that...well not me, my kids and I was the cleaning it up. NOT good, not good at ALL!

Mrs Lemon said...

J works for Dunder Mifflin? That IS interesting.

good stuff here - good stuff of memories.

Cindy said...

Yuck! I do not do poo...its disgustiong! I miss you! Lets get together...soon!

MommyJ said...

Oh man oh man... I had to go and pick up Jordan from school once... his teacher said he was sick. SO I went, we came home... and he WENT, if you know what I mean. Wasn't sick, just refused to go in school. But then, I can hardly blame him. It was kindergarten and the bathrooms are right there in the classroom. Who wants to do THAT with all your friends just on the other side of a little flimsy door?

Just think about how much worse things could have been for him if he HAD walked home from school. Yeah. You'd have been hosing down the sidewalk too.

Oh, and one more thing that will make you feel better. My almost five year olds have been potty trained for years. Never have accidents at night. Never. Until one night, just last month, they both pooped in the middle of the night, in their beds, ON THE SAME NIGHT! What's up with that?

So guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel your pain. Really glad that I didn't also have to smell your pain.

Emily said...

I just spit on my computer laughing so hard. That's sick. But not as sick as cleaning up smeared poop. I love the picture - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - good thinkin'.

iowamom said...

You're a better woman/mom than I am. I'm positive I would have considered locking the bathroom door, then moving so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Poop is not my thing. (As if it's anyone's thing really...)

Yvonne said...

Can you just imagine how uncomfortable he must have been before he got home. (Poor little guy)

Millie said...

I-Can-Unload-All-Over-The-Bathroom-And-Not-Bat-An-Eye = COMEDY GOLD.

Poor Mom. I'm so sorry ... it happens to all of us at some kind of surprising ages.

Rebecca said...

i think the photo says it all, and I am also grateful you chose not to photo the bathroom, kids do the darnest things eh??!!

Klin said...

So sad you had a "crappy" day. REeinicent of some past days of mine.

S said...

Oh you just wait missy it might happen to you someday.!!! Start planning now who ya gonna blame:)
Love the pic was that for the bedroom or bathroom?


Omar you rock! If I don't see you first I would know I am in the wrong blogosphere and i need to just move on. For the record Big Jay was 2 minutes too late:)

S said...

ps Klin go to bed:)

Andrew said...

1. I love dirty jobs. Mike Rowe is hilarious.

2. It's too bad Epsi and I don't live closer. This was clearly a job for anosmia man. In child rearing, I have a massive advantage--I have no sense of smell.

To me, poop may as well be modeling clay, or in this case, mud. I'd have handled it for you!

Admittedly, I'm glad I didn't have to despite my immunity.

The Howertons said...

instead of keeping this as a journal (which is still a good idea) you should publish a book! You are way too funny to be contained to a website and not make any money!
I'm addicted to reading your woe's
Thanks for sharing!

No Cool Story said...

Why am I 26?

"I'm just the man for this job!"
Wouldn't have been fun if J had showed up with a cape, gloves and one of those industrial strenght gas masks?

No Cool Story said...

Like I always say. Boys are gross.
The End.

No Cool Story said...

Why is S up at 2 am?

carrie said...

Thats when you wish you had a drain in the middle of your bathroom floor. I recall somehting similar I didn't bother hosing off any clothes I just trashed them. Then gave a big tip to garbage man.

Code Yellow Mom said...

I'm 29 comments too late, and I REALLY am not trying to top that, but I must say that Cal did this very thing at the ultra pious family's house one Sunday a few months ago. Yeah. Only when he finished, he was so mortified that instead of asking for help, he went and hid under the bed in their guest bedroom and one of their kids announced to the whole basement of kids about the stench before coming to get one of us (David) to clean the bathroom.

Parenthood is awesome.

Sarah Tilley said...

i know by sad experience how to get poop off the floor, walls, toilet, medicine cabinet, and out of a braided rug.

Heffalump said...

You need a fully tiled bathroom with a drain AND a garbage disposal in the middle of the floor. Then you could have just hosed everything into the drain and flipped the switch.

Kikibug said...

All I can say is that I am so sorry. That is disgusting. Judson had what I refer to as the $h#% fest when he was 4 1/2. I thought I was going to die!! Did I mention I was pregnant?? Poor kid, heard the sh word a bazillion times as I was convulsing and gagging. Did I mention that he actually made it worse by kicking off the loaded poop undies and they SLID down the wall. SICK!!
I am glad you survived your first (and hopefully last) poop fest.

by the way, I got my much needed lap top, now I can get my Angela fix more often.

Michelle said...

At least he didn't do in the car on his way home!!

I would definitely keep the post. One day you will read it and laugh, or at least not gag as much!!

Suzanne said...

Why is it that the worst smelling thing in the world is also the hardest to clean up? I'm always amazed at how much poop can come out of kids. It's baffling.

Oh and I know J's job so I thought your joke was very funny! :)

Tori :) said...

Eeeeeeew.
Tristan and Alec fingerpainted with poop all over their bedroom once. I remember crying and saying "Whyyyyyyyy????" the entire time. I still am not sure who's poop they used.

Robert and Natalie said...

I am laughing so hard at work that I am peeing my pants! I miss you and I don't have your new number!

Charlotte said...

When my oldest was potty training, she made a mess on her bedroom floor. And my baby found it first (you think it is hard to clean off a bathroom, try a 9 month old!).

Julie said...

It could have been like this. And yes, I am the friend Julie in the story. And I did post several blogs about my son's adventures in pee.

Julie said...

Or this.

Lauren said...

My best friend pooped her pants in 1st grade. She pooped them because she had diarrhea. She also did it in the beginning of the school day and didn't do anything about it because she was too embarrassed! The teacher smelt something and blamed the stench on the girl that sat next to her because she aparently never showered. The little girl believed she was the source of the poop smell too! Isn't that sad?!
When my friend's mom picked her up she too hosed her down outside and threw all of her clothes away.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The Poop Patrol President LOVES this post.

*I'm the Poop Patrol President*

Sketchy said...

I was going to say I can feel your pain, but that's just gross.

In fact I'm quite glad to say I can not indeed feel your pain, smell your pain nor see your pain.

I'm sympathetic though (and late, sorry about that). Is that enough so we can still be friends?

Physcokity said...

I worked at an afterschool childcare place..no it wasn't exactly day care, but I digress we had a similar experience, the poor child was dubbed the poop bandit. I think he was about Bo's age. He was in Kindergarten.

Physcokity said...

omar as long as you don't divulge the whereabouts of your commenting....

Physcokity said...

And we'll be quoting you for a long time with "first on every post everywhere" cuz that's just funny.

That's definitely award worthy!

Physcokity said...

Oh the joys of raising boys...