Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Post 201: 201 Things About Me

Oh, just kidding.

But I did make myself laugh when I thought of this post title yesterday.

I even scored some Sweet Pea hand soap out of that post. Thanks MH! That was awesome. I showed it to J and he said, "What, they were out of Vanilla Fluffy Fluff?" He thinks he's so funny.

So, it's correspondence time!

Dear Road Crew Working On Our Street:
I'm totally stoked that you are widening the street. It makes me not be annoyed with the hassle of coming and going. However. I need you to know--when I'm looking at you in your little tractors or diggers and I look like I'm talking to you or making eyes at you, I am actually talking to my children in the backseats.

I know the windows are tinted and you can't see them, but I assure you, I am talking to them, I am not mouthing the words, "You're hot" or "Can I get your number?"

This is the truth.

What may look like, "I think your tractor is sexy" is actually me saying, "It may well be a backhoe Bo and not a 'baby tractor', but you shouldn't tell grownups they don't know anything."

And to be fair, "Avee, stop screaming, I see the man inside the net on the widdo lellow tractoh" could easily look like, "Take me, take me now." That's the only reason I can explain the leering and the winking and the...oh, this is a PG blog. Mostly.

Besides, I haven't showered since Sunday and that was just because I had to go to church. If I shower begrudgingly for church, just imagine how much less I will do for you, Mr Widdo Lellow Tracto Drivoh!

Sincerely,
Frumpy In The Minivan



Dear Bo:
It is not polite to tell your mommy she doesn't know anything. I know you passed me ages ago in the smarts department, but it is your duty, still being under 4 feet tall, and as my child to keep that to yourself.

And also--I explained to you what Fast Food was because I thought you'd like to know that little bit of information. I definitely didn't think you'd use the information to yell out the window at the paaaaiiiiinnnnnnfully slow Taco Bell employees, "This isn't fast food, this is the slowest food ever! Slow food! Slow food!"

That is rude.

True, but still rude. As your mother, it is my duty to teach you the difference between rude--but needs to be said, and rude--but shouldn't be said. I will teach you because your father, bless his honest little heart, still hasn't quite gotten the knack for it.

Your future wife will thank me.

Love,
Mom


Dear Cute Little Town Right Down The Road From Us:
Why didn't I know you existed until today? I'm so disappointed. While I love our current location in this city, I think I would have loved spending my days in Mayberry. If only I had known how close you were.

Disappointed,
Nobody


Dear Sarah Who Just Had A Baby Boy:
Congratulations!
I am lame for not saying this sooner, but thank you for the awesome book for Bo's cards.
He doesn't know how lucky he is, but I do and I think you are very kind and thoughtful.

Love,
Nobody



Dear Y Pump Instructor:

Next time just yell, "Yo Nobody! Straighten yer arms ya heffer!" I'd actually prefer that to you stopping your instructing, making everyone wait, and you straitening my arms yourself.

I thought you were sweet, and I know you were trying to avoid hurt feelings, but having 20 people stare at me balancing my opposite-of-petite body on an amazingly-petite-once-I-lay-on-it ball AND have crooked arms, is prolly worse. Yeah, it is. If you want, you can leave off the "heffer" part. That way, it will be a compromise.

Sore To The Core,
Working The Muscle Incorrectly
p.s. Sorry I leaned against the wall that has a nice big sign that says "PLEASE DO NOT LEAN ON THIS WALL!" I saw it after class when I was rolling up my mat.


Dear Avee,
Maybe sometime when you are feeling sweet and affectionate, you could tell me that you love me and that I'm your best friend without continuing on to tell me that so is Grandma, Uncle David, Ella, Christian, Nyah, Tippany, and Daddy. Methinks perhaps the term "best" is lost on you.

Aw, it's okay. It's too doggone adorable to complain about.

However, please do keep in mind that the cookies on top of the refrigerator are there so you won't get into them. Not there to challenge you to greater heights or so you can tell me that you did it "without bweaking yo' leg".

I'm serious.

Love,
Your Mom Who Doesn't Need The ER Interrogation Again
p.s. Please keep in mind, while you are standing in the living room, hitting me in the arm with your popsicle, to get my attention so you can nark on Bo for being in the living room with a popsicle, that you are in fact, standing in the living room, hitting me in the arm with your popsicle.


Dear Elementary School Who Thinks I Can't Raise My Own Child:
Did you know that Bo weighed over 9 lbs at birth? No, you did not? Ohhhhh. Well that would be because you didn't give birth to him!
He is not your pride and joy. In a way that you have never felt pride and joy before.
His smile does not melt your heart.
You have never stayed up all night with him when he is sick.
His inability to say his R's does not make you smile every time you hear it.
You don't worry about his future so much sometimes that you can't sleep at night.
His happiness and success in life is not one of the single most important motivations in your life.
You didn't even know he was locked outside in the rain when he was left in your care.
And you didn't have to mend the broken heart that came with that experience.
With a broken heart of your own.
You don't know why he cries before he's crying.
You don't know exactly what he's going to say sometimes, before he says it.
You haven't spent hours on end answering his questions because you want him to know every little thing he wants to know.
Except for how the baby got in my tummy.
His laugh doesn't fill your heart with happiness.
He doesn't have your red hair.

I am an imperfect mother, and by most standards, a novice. But I can assure you that my best intentions as a mother, will far exceed your "procedure" any day.

I just want you to know that when my son is sick, and I have the courtesy of calling and letting you know, I may just tell you that he's sick of you and that's why he's staying home. And if you insist that I give you TWO SYMPTOMS before it's considered okay by you that I keep my own child home, let me be clear right now--what those two reasons will be:
1. Your mom
2. Goes to college

And should I ever need to take my child out of school for an appointment of any kind, and you ask me to bring a note verifying from another person that I have done what I said I would do---I will. Every time. And every time, it will be a note from our dealer, letting you know just how much hoot we bought to smoke before I brought him back.
You are welcome.

I appreciate the services you offer.

But please remember: Before anything else, I am his mother. I reserve the right to maintain that position at whatever cost. Should you feel inclined to encroach on that sacred role, I will smash you. Way more fiercely than Tyra on a good day.

Ever So Sincerely,
The Mama Bear


Dear Neighbor:
It will never cease to amaze me how you can be the most uninvolved and seemingly negligent parent around, and still have two of the most well-behaved children in the neighborhood.

It makes me want to let the neighborhood raise my children. I could let the neighbors take my kids in when they are locked out after school --regularly-- and I am nowhere to be found. Neighbors could take them to school because I will send them out in the rain and others can feed them breakfast because I can't be bothered. The will be outside moments after waking up and won't go in until long after a reasonable bed time.

And maybe in turn, they will be polite and kind to others and respectful every time you are around them.

I don't know how you do it.

Baffled,
Nobody

39 comments:

Lisa said...

Love these!

But I so get the "I'm the mother". Just wait until Bo is old enough to tell you that "it has to be done this way because the teacher says so." I like to look my kid in the eye and say, "I don't care. I'm the mother and this is the way we are doing it. She can call me if there is a problem." Seriously-2 symptoms?!

Rebecca said...

aw.. I was ready for 201!!! Love it all.. are you sure your weren't yelling take me take me to the Widdo Lellow Tracto Drivoh, sounds like you?!
And the mama bear..amen!!!

Child Family said...

LOVE IT! Amen. I feel like its been ages since we talked. I am glad Avee still thinks I am one of her favorite people! :) I SO WANT TO COPY YOUR LETTERS and send them to ALL that are in my neighborhood. Including the visitor I had to 'entertain' today. Why does everyone think they know more than us? GRRR!

ucmama said...

One time when C was little, I took her through McDonalds. I just got her food from the dollar menu instead of a meal/toy. She looked in the bag and cried "This isn't a Happy meal! This is a MAD meal!

glittersmama said...

I loved this post. Are you sure you aren't hitting on the road crew?

Tori :) said...

1.Your Mom
2. Goes to college

Class-ic.

How 'bout
1. His lips hurt
2. Real bad

?????

The Howertons said...

Once again, a good day to laugh with little bits of sleep.

I don't even know where to begin.

oh yes,
First of all -you should know I am also flirting with the road crew - were tight like that!

I also belong to the heffalump club and plan on joining the Y - maybe we can stand on the wall together, right where the Do not stand on the wall sign is. We could tie our hair into ponytails on the side of our head like Deb and sell glamour shots for 75% off or better yet some boondoggle keychains to all of the other too petite to even be in this class people!
I also believe that our children go to the same school, cause they are all D...U...M...B, but when they ask for TWO symptoms, I only give them one and if they want two - I'll repeat the same one except using a different word. They don't know- they didn't go to college. :)

And just so we are clear its not nice to talk about your neighbors behind their back - we should take her cookies and tell her how you feel to her face and then hand her a BOM (ok, maybe not) :).

S said...

Can I have some of that good salad. We only have cookies and candy and cake at our house. Hmmmmm

aubrey said...

LOL. oh, nobody. i love you. this post was my favorite of all your posts. i think. that is not accurate becuase i haven't read all of them.

Cindy said...

I loved this post!! I feel so sorry for Bo...his teacher is a real drag. If I have to deal with a teacher like that, no one in the school will like me. I can not deal with people like that.

Today I went to the grocery store but, forgot my wallet so I had to go back home. I drove by this construction site 4 times, while singing in the car with Parker, and everytime the same worker smiled at me. I like to flirt too!

Heffalump said...

I thought our school was bad for making me sign my kids out every day after school is OVER!
They aren't even allowed to walk through the schoolyard and into our back yard without someone signing them out every day until they are in 6th grade!

iowamom said...

1.You
2.Are
3.Hilarious

No Cool Story said...

How come I am not first?

Leslie said...

so so funny. perhaps i'll send you some stationary so you can get these mailed off asap.

No Cool Story said...

I was also ready for 201 things.

Note to self: Don't go with Nobody to the Y.

Kikibug said...

WOW, that was some amazing therapy. Good for you. I LOVE your brain! REALLY! I love your ability to express your thoughts so perfectly.
I was seriously laughing SO FREAKIN hard at "I will teach you because your father, bless his honest little heart, still hasn't quite gotten the knack for it.
Your future wife will thank me."
hahahaha I miss hangin with y'all!

MommyJ said...

Once when I was a kid, we stopped at an intersection where a group of construction workers were um, working construction. Actually, at the time, they were eating lunch. There were three men sitting in a circle, and another guy with really long hair covering his entire back. HE was hunched over so all you could see was hair. So my mom says out her rolled down in the hot summer day window, "Hey kids! Look at those guys eating lunch with that monkey!"

Then the monkey that was really a man with long hair turned around and looked at her.

That was fun.

Epsi said...

One time I was biking up in the Oakland hills with a biking class from College. I was riding up a really steep hill looking for any reason to stop and some guys working on a roof started yelling hello, and one yelled, "good afternoon right as I was stopping to look at my watch to see if it was time to turn back to meet the van. He then yelled, "Yes, it is after noon..."

Epsi said...

And rawr.

Andrew said...

You know, if the school locks your child out of the classroom, it strikes me that they're rather negligent. I can't remember a time in teaching when I didn't know if my whole class was present.

As for boosting the morale of the road crew, keep it up. If they feel manly and strong, they may work harder and get the job done faster. You're helping your tax dollars work harder!

Klin said...

1. Because I'm the mom
2. That's why!

Sheesh. I had it out with the head football coach yesterday. I won. Because I'm the mom, That's why.

and. . . .
Your mom goes to college.

Did you know that I heart you, bug time. I love your outlook on life.

Kate said...

I'm so glad Annie sent us over here. This is some hysterical morning reading for me. You rock! I'll be back!

Sketchy said...

Wow. I never considered my blog as an outlet for writing all the letters I will never write but want to.

This is seriously awesome and may change my life.

PS: next time don't call the school just write the note, from the dealer, no, just the parental one.

Sketchy said...

Oh and Bo was locked out in the rain???? Did you call a lawyer?

OK I wouldn't really go that far but it's nice that they want to take such a strong line with you when obviously they are doing such a good job...

Barnecked Lady said...

look at you and your new blog look. woohoo!

Analiese said...

Love your new layout! Now I just need to get fancy and do something with mine. I am failing miserably!

Charlotte said...

I have had kids in school for 6 years and have sent a note in for missing school since the 1st one. No one has ever bothered me. I always told my kids that perfect attendance means the kids must have boring home lives. We are thinking of pulling our kids out for a couple days in October for no good reason other than to see New England in the fall.

When my oldest was in Kindergarten we took a 2 week vacation across the country and when I asked the teacher what needed to be done, he said nothing really and gave me some work to do with her. When he was arrested half way through our vacation for robbing a bank, I called the school and found out there WERE forms that should have been filled out. They let me do it when I got home.

Julie said...

I love the new look.

And, as usual, your letters cracked me up. Except for the one to the school about Bo. That one broke my heart and made me want to beat them up for you (and Bo).

Sarah Tilley said...

your mom goes to college. your entire post had me cracking up, thanks! when i first saw napoleon dynamite i wanted to make a t-shirt that said "your mom goes to college" but then i saw one on the internet and was disappointed that someone else had thought of it first, like i was so uniquely cool that only i could come up with an idea for a t-shirt.

megachick said...

love the new look. green rules...especially on red heads.

i was totally gonna go google 'your mom goes to college' because it sounds awfully funny, but then i saw that it comes from napoleon dynamite and i just can't bring myself to try watching that again. it bored the pants off me in 15 minutes. can someone just give me the context of it?

what, no letter to danyo?

Cindy said...

OK, I may be slow but, I just realized that you put new pictures of the kids on your blog. Are those the ones you got done professionally? I love the green. They are cute! Hopefully you just put them on, and they have not been up there for I month, and I am now just relizing it!!

Physcokity said...

:D Can I have a letter from Nobody? I would definitely feel the love!

omar said...

Something looks different...

So you mean I can neglect my kids and they'll be respectful? I'll give it a try and let you know how it goes.

Hey, did you see Star Wars yet?

Sketchy said...

Look at your cool new header! Way to go cool header girl.

Code Yellow Mom said...

LOVE your new look. The pictures are fabulous.

The teacher letter is the best. THE BEST.

And the 201 things about you - all of them. Awesome.

This is me, bowing and applauding all at the same time...

omar said...

Napoleon Dynamite is on my DVR (it aired on Comedy Central earlier tonight). However, I refuse to watch it until you have watched at least one of the original Star Wars trilogy movies.

And I'd need some sort of verification from J. We're homies, Nobo, but your word alone is not good enough on this one.

Robert and Natalie said...

It is no wonder your famous you are just so dang talented! I love the photos I need to see your kids in person they are just too dang cute! I was just wondering what your mom did to cause such creativity and insightfulness and if it means having another ten kids I just can't do it so I guess I won't aspire for my daughter to be like you.:)

Olivia Meikle said...

Helloooooooooooooooooooo? Is Nobody home? Hellooooooooooooooo?

What is supposed to keep me entertained while M is gone if you don't blog?

Becky (0: said...

Just reading back over things and laughing so hard I am crying! I just checked out the "Andy Griffith Rerun" club post. Thanks for the laugh!