Friday, December 7, 2007

Winds of Change

I chose that post title because it popped into my head 2 seconds before my blank template popped up for me to type on.

And I am whimsical.

I think about 5 times a day, "that would be a great post" and shortly thereafter the thought flutters from my mind. Things like how when people say "expecially" it bugs me. Or how when grownups who take care of kids talk to me like I'm a kid. I dropped off Bo at school one day and a woman I had never seen before came to the van to get him and said, "Good morning Bo!" I was really surprised since it's his 4th month of school and I know nothing of this woman and have never seen her before. I said in disbelief, "You know his name!?" and she said, "Yes, Ms Penny has been here a few times, enough that Ms Penny has learned a lot of names."

Penny for your grownup thoughts, Ms. Penny.

See, wouldn't that have been a scintillating blogpost? I thought so.

The truth is, I'm tired. I'm distracted. I'm stressed. I worry about the big bad world my four year old is entering. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I worry that with 3 kids' needs pulling on me, in addition to all the other daily activities I need to manage, that not one kid gets enough from me. I worry that I'm not seizing the day enough, because I'm spending so much time just trying to get through.

And the first year with a new baby is always sort of hard and stressful for us. I bet it is for a lot of people, but I won't make any assumptions. I get frustrated when even the simplest activities become difficult tasks. And solid, uninterrupted, non-comatose time with my husband is nonexistent. And has been for so long, I wonder if it ever really existed. It always gets better, but the road to better always feels really long, right about now.

I feel like I'm in uncharted waters with Bo and the changes he is experiencing. I never have before, but now I worry that I might not be doing it right.

My oldest sister always gives me great advice and if she can't make me feel better about where I'm at, she gives me great ideas of where I need to go. That's a good big sister. When I "give" "advice" it always tends to sound more like, "You'll find out someday" or "My baby is cuter than your baby" and I never mean it to come out that way.

I really have been unnaturally concerned with Bo the last few months. I am not a worry wart, so this new obsession is both disconcerting and annoying for me. I worry that he's not happy at school, but there aren't any big or overt clues. The main problem is, I don't know what are normal phases. I don't know what the normal progression from "mama's sweet baby at home" to "big preschooler who knows how to nark on his classmates" is. It has been hard for me to be dumb. I'm ever so smart.

My sister said something that led me to say, "I need to stop trying to control his environment so much and focus on giving him a soft place to land." When did I turn into a control freak? Your mother's a control freak. Heh. Just kidding man. Don't get mad.

Today Avee told me she was "too busy" to get her cast cut off again (she did have to get another cast, by the way) and that the "loud vacuum made her MAD." This was moments after I watched her in the rearview mirror as she had a conversation in her head, I saw her eyes dancing and then she threw her head back and laughed. I wouldn't trade being able to see things like that for the world. And I LOVE this age. I don't want her to change an ounce. I love hearing her say, "awwww MAN" like her brother does when I tell her she can't have something. I love hearing her say things like, "Now looking whatcher making me doing!" for the first time.

But I'm still tired. And scatterbrained. And wishing I could have a raise or a performance review or use up some of the vacation days I've SURELY acquired.

So, there you have it. Sort of. This isn't a poor me, so hope that's not what you read. This is a...aw hell, I have no idea what this is. But I'm still going to push publish. Because I can. I have a hard time with inconsistencies and while my kids can make me laugh every day and I am not depressed in the least, I felt like I've been putting a mask over me and it's resulting in either no posts or little ditties. About Avee and Bo. Two redhaired kids growin' up, in the heartland...

And since I'm being real and all, I think you should know, those pants make your butt look big.

20 comments:

portuguesa nova said...

So many things to say, but I've already forgotten.

1. When does it get easier? We're on month 14. A timeline would be much appreciated.

2. I also hate being spoken to like a kid in the presence of kids, but I hate even more when I try to speak like the sarcastic adult I used to be before I started talking baby talk all the time and am totally dissed.

A few weeks ago we were at the playground and a little girl handed mine a leaf. My kid immediately started eating it.

"Hannah-banana! Don't give that baby things that she can put in her mouth."

"It's okay," I said, trying to salvage at least the stem, "it's by far the healthiest thing she's eaten all week. (hahaha!)"

"Humph." said the mom, and fished up her kid and walked away.

This is the same mom who was side-by-side with me on the swings 10 minutes earlier demanding that her kids come up with as many "sh" words within their line of vision as they could. They couldn't come up with any, but boy was she a linguistic master. Push. Leash. Trash. Flesh. (we live pretty close to Detroit) It was like playing scattegories, only way lamer.

3. I feel confident that you're doing it right.

Coordination Queen said...

I understand how you are feeling. I too go through phases where I worry constantly about my little girl, who's 4, at preschool. This post has put into words a lot of what I feel on a regular basis.

glittersmama said...

yep.

megachick said...

i'm feeling you on all that stuff. and i'm not wearing any pants, so there. 8-P

Kim said...

I don't really know what to say, but...
Thanks for telling me. :)

Barnecked Lady said...

HA HA the joke's on you, I'm not wearing any pants!!!! lol.

Beckie said...

First of all, you have to HAVE a butt in order for pants to make it look big, thank you very much.
And I have to say I hit the point of not knowing what to do with Zach, when he was 4. I was know as 'Mean Mrs. Workman' around the apartment playground. I would yell at the kids from the deck and tell them to be nice or leave Zach alone. Then one day I decided I had to let him work it out himself...that I was only hurting him, not helping him. How weird would it look 20 years from now, If I go bargeing in on him at his work, because some co-worker did or said, something mean to him. I had a good laugh over that thought! So I took a let him do it on his own...it was painful to watch,espeacially when he would come home crying and every fiber of my boeing was screaming to go and kick a few kids butts, but I held back and explained that he didn't have to play with them if he didn't want to. Eventually he became King of the playground.
Any who...the point of all that is it's hard to let go...but you gotta let him do it on his own sometime, and you just have to hope he can handle it on his own. THere will be lots of tears at first...(both your and his) but eventually he'll figure it out!
You are a grat mom and you are doing it right! oh, and ps.... texas want's you back too! Love ya!

S said...

Dangit I KNEW it I am going right now during the ice storm to take care of it. thanks for finally telling me.

S said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S said...

lol

No Cool Story said...

Hmmpf. I sat by Portuguesa Nova and all her kid did was to eat a leaf and not know any sh words.
Tsk, tsk tsk.

Ah Nobody, I have never felt like this, so I don't know what you are talking about.

No Cool Story said...

The joke is actually on you because I have felt like this more times than I have felt that I know what I'm doing (or at least pretending).

What I can tell you, without a doubt, is that you are a great/excellent mom (and that this is a totally unbiased observation. S would agree with me).
Your kids are blessed to have you.

SO THERE.

Alicia said...

Thanks for writing this.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

What NCS said. You're awesome at being a mom.

Suzanne said...

I'm beginning to wonder if the worrying never really goes away. It seems like by the time we make it through one difficult phase, we are into another one. All I know is that it's a good thing kids say such cute things in cute voices because it helps to make it all worth it! :)

No Cool Story said...

Dry cereal es muy delicioso!

Sketchy said...

I am only just now beginning to suspect that we aren't allowed too much down time where we know exactly how to handle all situations and problems headed our way. We get to climb that mountain, feel proud of ourselves for a moment for getting to the peak and then we look up and realize that we're just getting started.

And kids have a way of driving that message home more than any other.

Sketchy said...

I'm not sure if that last comment really made sense, but now I'm singing songs from Sound of Music and that's always a good way to start the day.

Breit Mama said...

There is something wrong w/ you! I am just kidding... You are a normal healthy mother - it is all those other mothers out there who are insane. A Silva just told me this last week, and I think it might help you "You can't live their lives for them. You already had your chance at preschool, 1st grade, 6th grace, etc. You also can't pick their friends for them. All you can do is make their home their haven away from the craziness . Make it a place where they know no matter what they are always loved" The End.

Candace E. Salima said...

I'm reading along, hearing my sister's words in what I'm reading, worrying about her and her kids and bam! "Those pants make your butt look big!" That got a laugh out of me!

I hope things are looking up for you. It's very hard when it seems life is crushing down on you, but hang in there. It really does get better. Just remember to try and do little things for yourself. I don't know, but just little things that make you happy. Okay?