Sunday, December 30, 2007

End of 2007

Here it is, the end of 2007.

I'm sitting at my computer working on a digital scrapbook looking at pictures of a chubbier Bo, a balder Avee, sunnier outdoor pictures...

I'm listening to Shakira, Bon Jovi, Carrie Underwood, and others on this device smaller and flatter than the palm of my hand which also contains 10 episodes of The Office for me to watch if I'm ever stuck in a doctor's office or on a treadmill...

As I'm looking through my files for pictures I come across ones of a bald Avery sprawled across my friend Amy's lap, or others of her curled up in Amy's husband's lap, just perfectly content to be there. There's one of Bo and Avee playing together in a hamper. Before I got after them and told them to get out and quit ruining the hamper, I snapped about 10 pictures. The kids got used to pausing for a picture before they were scolded.

I've stopped taking pictures of them being naughty because I just don't have time and don't seem to think it is as cute as I used to. Plus, a chubby 2-year-old scaling the cupboards naked, isn't as cute as a 4 1/2 year old mooning me because some stupid character on tv did it. I'm more concerned about him mooning his kindergarten teacher than I was about him climbing someone else's cupboards naked.

Music always takes me back and nearly me knocks me out with a heavy dose of nostalgia.

When I lived in Texas and Jay was traveling there were dozens of times I would just close my eyes, breath deeply, and talk myself through the next 10 minutes. I hated raising our kids alone. I hated the unpredictability of his schedule. Some days I hated the insane heat of the summers that kept us trapped inside. It felt so hard to do things with two small children. I know I felt this way.

And now I don't have to contend with that insane Texas heat. My husband is home every night. And he does just as much on the homefront as I do when he's home.

I want our two bedroom apartment in Texas. I want my friend to come over and sit on the dining chairs that I hate and hold my baby. I want to exclaim at 8 am when I'm taking the trash out, "It's ALREADY 90 degrees" and hear my less lean 3-year-old say, "It's a beautiful day today!" in response.

This isn't the first time I've done this. I always seem to want what I can't have. I have already met some really great people since we've moved here---people I know I will be friends with for a long time. Will there be a day when I'm lounging in a mansion in North Dakota (if it really exists) and wish for these days in Iowa? Will my 13 year old preparing for a camping trip only remind me of the sweet, sassy 4 year old who is driving me insane now but I'll long for then?

I try to seize the day and live in the moment, but I get caught up in everything that has to be done. And while I'm doing every thing that has to be done, my kids are losing hand dimples and baby fat and speech impediments.

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