Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Definite Blog Fodder: 3 Hours At The Doctor's Office

I wrote down that my appointment was at 3. They had it down as 2:30. I was 27 minutes late according to them. I was a rockstar, according to me.

The receptionist was all set to turn me away, but I think my frazzled look, inside-out shirt, one-shoe-wearing daughter, crying infant, and loud talking 4-year-old caused her to have some compassion. She miraculously found an opening for me with the NP at 4:00.

So we sat in the waiting room for over an hour. And Bo got so bon sirsty again. And Avee yelled at older children that they were two if she was two. She casually asked every mother in the waiting area, "so, is that yo baby?" She'd lean against the arm of a chair and ask, as though a well rehearsed pick-up line being passed off as spontaneous. Then she'd introduce her baby sister Danyo and her mom--clear across the room. "That's my baby sisser, Danyo. And that's the mom. Not yo's mom, MY mom!" Then she'd scowl at them and storm off to leap over some chairs far away from the offending infant and mom.

It is my instinct to act oblivious and pretend it's not my child. The matching hair color gives me away before I have a chance. And at least 4 people said to me at the dr's office, "I don't know what daddy looks like, but the four of you look exactly alike." At first I was offended because Bo's a little cross-eyed, Avee has nappy hair, and Danyo drools---but then I realized people meant it kindly, so I just said thank you.

A couple of highlights from the outing:

Well, first, that's where I learned that Avee thinks Danyo and Bo are her sisters.

While I was bouncing Danyo on my totally ripped now that I do bootcamp thigh to keep him quiet, and keeping an eye on Avee as she "fuhlipped" over some play structure (it looked an awful lot like jumping, but she insisted it was fuhlipping) I suddenly hear a very loud voice behind me (where half a dozen patients sat, out of my view), "I know what you are! You guys are Chinese! You came from China. What people from China look like, are you!" It wasn't until halfway through the second sentence, that I realized it was my child loudly declaring ethnicity for all to hear.

I started to shrink down into my seat and hide it out, but then I saw the redhaired kid on my lap, who looks undeniably similar to the loudmouth redhead behind me. I hear the "Chinese Lady" say, "Good guess!" I turned and saw that they were in fact Chinese. For a moment I was proud, and then I remembered, it was a good guess. A good loud guess.

I thought about doing my regular hissing of Bo's name to get him to come over to me and shut his loud and adorable mouth. But I realized during a recent library hissing session, that as much as I want to believe only he hears me hissing, it's not true--everyone hears it. And it sounds just as stupid to hiss "Bo," as it does just to say it. It isn't parseltongue. It's straight up, English, crazy-mama hissing.

I just sat there. Not really sure what to do. I mean, pointing out someone's ethnicity, while it might be a profound statement of the obvious, it is not necessarily rude or offensive. Right? He wasn't saying it as though being Chinese was bad. Or weird. It was just a little awkward. "Hey look! You're wearing your shirt inside-out crazy hissing lady!" Entirely true, not entirely necessary to verbalize.

So, since doing nothing was my default response, I figured the worst was over. And it did get quiet. Except for a few lingering snickers. And then, "Well, I know where you got that baby!" I was terrified. Oh crap. What could he possibly know about that? And why does he have to be so bon loud!?

"You got that baby out of China!"

Later when we were in the dr's office, Bo was having his 4 year old physical exam. He was pretty excited because he's been to several appointments for Avee, but he's never been the center of attention since he can remember. So, it was kind of difficult to keep him quiet. When the Nurse was filling out the forms, she was asking me things about his development and Bo kept trying to answer. When she asked about regular BMs, I hesitated because I did want to discuss Danyo's, but I didn't know if I should wait until we were through with Bo's, blah blah blah. Well, the nurse read that hesitation as me not knowing what a BM was. So she simplified it for me. "Does he poop regularly?" Bo leans up against the exam table and says, "Yeah, I totally poop everyday, but I don't wipe, my mom does."

Yeah, I struggle to understand the meaning of BM, but I can give a mean wipe.


Leslie said...

you need a tv show. :)

Tori :) said...

"At first I was offended because Bo's a little cross-eyed, Avee has nappy hair, and Danyo drools..." LOL!!!! Really. I literally LOL.

Barnecked Lady said...

omgosh! I'm pretty sure I just peed myself. I seriously have not laughed that hard in a long time, this is by far one of the funniest blog's you have written. I literally fell out of my seat. I just played it all out in my mind. lol. lol. lol. I MISS YOU!!!! COME BACK TO TEXAS!!!!!!!!

No Cool Story said...

So I went jogging and I came back and D'OH!!

I'm trying to decide which post is my favoritest. Barnecked lady gave me an idea. This is my checklist to determine how awesome the post is:
-Is my sleeve wet? (both tears and drool)
-Pee came out?
-Copy/pasted a quote?
-Read it more than twice?
-Does it have Avee?

Yep. They all check. I declare this a A+++ post.

Not yo's mom, MY mom!

Suzanne said...

How sweet that Avee thinks she has "sisters"! You are so fulipping funny! :D

S said...

Really what can I say. So glad we are not related! I atleast have it all together.
Ditto on the first 6 comments

Sketchy said...

Oh thank goodness for blogs. That needed to get out to the world!

Sorry about your afternoon, but isn't it funny now?

MommyJ said...

So I think I have to add a link to your blog on my blog because you are too stinkin funny. This was definately a laugh out loud post.

Luisa Perkins said...

You SLAY me. Parseltongue. China. Still laughing.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"parseltongue" was indeed great.

Things you should never have to say to your child: "Now honey, if you see someone who looks Chinese, please! Don't point it out."

I felt your extreme embarrassment but laughed anyway. :)

Rebecca said...

Oh the joys of dr. office waits.. you know even if you got that at 2:30 you would of still waited an hour.. they work like that.. so never fear!!! Avee does have sister.. they just don't know it yet.. those poor boys!!

Okay I am with Amy.. peeing my pants.. which right now is a better option than the zipper obsticle course known as my house. I have yet to walk through one without tripping.. not good.. anyway.. worth it!!!

As for Bo's observations, Broderick did the same thing when he was four. Met this great african american guy who's name was Roderick.. go figure..this is how it went... he asked.. hey whats your name.. "Roderick" hey mom.. his name is Roderick and he's black!!! At which point I looke around like.. is this someones kids..does anyone know where his mother is.. but you are right.. not offesive, not negative.. just observing.. the joys of being 4!!

glittersmama said...

You got that baby out of China. Priceless.

mindyluwho said...

Breathe...breathe...I'm joining the wet pants crowd!

I can relate to the loud observations. Recently we were at an event and there was a man there who had no arms, just hands coming out from his shoulders. My five year old walks by him and loudly proclaimed the fact to all present.

Traci said...

There are too many laughs in this one post to fully compliment you...Shoot. This is a keeper. Maybe a linker. Definitely a ROLer. You are funny. And I SO love your cross-eyed, loud mouthed ethnic expert and fuhlipping sister and the drooler on your ripped thigh - so funny. But, um, the tag is sticking up on the back of your inside-out shirt. Want me to tuck it in for you?

Methodical wormer said...

So Tori and G'smama took care of the quoting but I am still laughing my butt off.

Super L said...

So I just found this one, which I had not read before, and it made me miss you. WHY is J not joining the Foreign Service NOW so you can come and be my friend again? Just imagine the delight of Bo at getting to make it a billion and 10? And then his ethnic awareness would be no big deal--"Hey, you're Chinese!" "Ni shuo shen ma? Wo bu zher dao."