Friday, December 3, 2010

This Probably Won't Make You Laugh MAG. :)

There have been times in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on for a second more. Like my heart couldn't bear anymore, the future seemed like dark oblivion I didn't want to be a part of, the sadness was overwhelming.

And then,

my heart kept beating. My breath kept coming. I would wake up in the morning, a survivor of whatever I had faced the day before. Probably to face more, but I had survived once already.

I'm not going through anything like that right now, but I've been thinking a lot about these times in my life. When it seems life went on, with or without my consent.

I look back on some of those moments and sometimes feel a little sheepish. Like the time when I was 16 and the boy I thought I loved, didn't love me back. Or when I was 24 and unmarried, living in a state where the average age of marriage was about 12.9 years old. It felt so big and so real at the time, but with time and perspective, I see how silly it all really was.

And then the times when I felt like I couldn't face another moment with the sorrow or the complete unknown, and the hand I had been dealt was simply more than I was equipped to bear. Those moments where the weight of it all made me crumple to my knees, and the anguish could only find voice in pleadings for relief.

Looking back in my life, I see the lights of those moments shining back at me. Today it struck me that I see, in my mind's eye, these moments as lights and not dark blots of history I'd like wiped from my past.

Because those periods of my life---changed me. From the inside out. Like a mental metamorphosis, I came out different. Better. I have days where I wonder what the heck I'm doing and why anybody takes me seriously at all. Days when I wish I never gotten married because marriage isn't a passive thing and takes work. Or days when I shouldn't be allowed to be a mom. Days when I wonder why anyone even bothers with me at all.

Those days end though. Just like the days where I feel like I can do anything and I'm the most awesome person anyone has ever had the pleasure of encountering. They all end.

And the husband I feel too lazy to be married to comes home and says, "Talk to me, I want to connect with you" and a friend calls and says, "I've got 10 gallons of milk, do you want any?"
and I realize at some point in the evening that my kids are going to turn out okay and make mistakes whether I lecture them all day or not. And I'd rather not lecture all day.

Life goes on.

Today, I'm in charge of the direction it's going. I'm open, I'm available, I'm kind, I'm hard-working, I love, I matter, I need, I falter, I roll my eyes, I laugh out loud, I am shallow, I am profound, I am trying.


Carrot Jello said...

you're good enough, you're smart enough, and, gosh darnit, people like you!

Myself included.

marialuigi said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before, but THIS was AWESOME! I actually linked it on my Facebook page. (I hope that's okay...if not, please tell me and I'll remove it.) Stunningly written...thank you.

omar said...

I read "I falter" as "I fatter," and I was so confused. As I reread it, it made much more sense.

High five!

Emily K. said...

Well put. I love this post. I wish I could communicate that idea of perspective to my 16 yo niece who thinks that the boy who doesn't love her back is going to RUIN her LIFE and she might as well DIE NOW OMG. Sigh. It sure doesn't seem simple when you're inside of it, but from over here, well, it's hard not to laugh at how silly that problem seems. Someday, our kids will be grown up brilliant rich geniuses, and we'll laugh at how silly we were to worry about all this little stuff, too. Right?!

dancin' momma said...

Thanks Nobody. I needed that day. Really needed that. Miss you!

Mrs. Organic said...

I am putting that last paragraph on my mirror.

Bryant and Jodi said...

Your amazing! Sorry about the random call yeserday. I call it space case disease! I've had a lot of that lately.

Sherry said...

good post... and good timing... I have been mulling over a comment that was made to me about SAHM and thinking... it is easier for me to go to work. I know what is expected and how to accomplish it successfully. This whole SAHM gig - it is confusing, non-stop, and I am just winging it and hoping I don't scar my kids too much.

Heffalump said...

Thanks for being you, and for writing this!

Sketchy said...

Love this.

And you.

You're awesome.

And so is this.

Super Happy Girl said...

Well, the joke is on you because this had NEVER happened to me!!!

Super Happy Girl said...

High five Omar!

Michelle Garff said...

it made me smile

Michelle Garff said...

anyway, its ok because i am still laughing from the conversations with avee one. she is brilliant!

Code Yellow Mom said...

I love this post. Love it.

Still need to talk to you. Weren't we going to hook up at Thanksgiving or something? Shoot. :)