Thursday, August 28, 2008

To Whom It May Concern Time

Dear Phone Company that starts with a Kwuh and ends with an Est:

I switched over to you for a couple of reasons. First, we were trying that VOIP business, and while it's a great idea, it wasn't working so well for us. I had lots of people with caller id, thinking I liked to just call and breathe heavily. When in reality, VOIPy just didn't let me be heard any other way. And that was a tad embarrassing. And then there's the part where they raise our bill after a year. They said they would, and I said I'd change when they did, so there you have it.

You offer competitive rates.

You are straightforward.

You are easy to install, your internets is suitable for my needs, and every person I want to call is an easy 7-10 digits away. Except my sister in England. I have no idea how many numbers her phone number is. Or how to dial her, for that matter.

You are high maintenance and needy and I can't handle that.

One time, a couple of years ago, I was talking to my friend about a boyfriend she had. She mentioned how he always wanted to be with her, always called when they were apart, adored her when they were together, etc, etc, etc. I mentioned, "J has never been like that. Sometimes I wouldn't mind being adored like that." My friend made a motion of tugging at a collar, like she was being choked. It made me laugh right out loud and brought me back down to earth, with the wonderful, kind, and non-suffocating husband I have.

You are showing me quickly how lucky I have been. While simultaneously DRIVING ME INSANE.

You call 2-3 times a day. You constantly want to go over my first bill. And give me your number, as though I don't have the resources or mental capacity to figure out how to contact you IF I NEEDED YOU. I ask you not to call and you always act apologetic and like you won't ever do it again, but within 4 hours, or first thing the next morning, you are calling again.

What do you want from me? Isn't my business, a check every month, and my present satisfaction enough?

You are pushing it. I would pay good money to not be annoyed. I might have to go back to inconsistent, non intrusive, overpriced VOIP. Don't make me show you how serious I am.

I am a busy woman with very important things to do every day. Like miss my 5 year old at school, retrieve my 1 year old from the toilet, and listen to my 3 year old scream "IwantthatIwantthatIwantthat!" over and over at the TV. You see? I'm busy.

Please find someone else to stalk and obsess over. I'm all stalkee and obsessee'd out.

Sincerely,
Nobody in Iowa

21 comments:

glittersmama said...

Seriously. I hate that utilities are so necessary but come with so much baggage.

omar said...

They called me last week and were like, "We don't offer service in your area, but we have reason to believe you know Nobody in Iowa, and we were just wondering: do you think she likes-likes us, or just likes us?" And I was all, "what are you talking about?" and I hung up, confused.

But now it all makes sense.

Yvonne said...

I'm all for horse and buggy, no electricity times again. Wait a minute, that would mean no internet. Forget it!!!

Lisa said...

I have the opposite problem. I have a date with Verizon monthly. I'm a lucky girl. I keep calling them, they keep visiting, but what would I do with my time should my phone/internet work properly? It would be very lonely around here.

Heffalump said...

I just screen my calls...unless they come to my cell phone late at night...

Millie said...

Pass them a note under your desk telling them they stink. Then they'll leave you alone.

Lauren said...

Ugh..nothing worse than a needy phone company. Actually I wouldn't know, but if it resembles anything like an old ex-boyfriend of mine, who was the neediest guy alive, than...I am guessing I would rather stick needles in my eyes than deal with said phone company.

CoconutKate said...

Makes me thankful to pay a huge amount every month for our cell phones and no house phone.

Code Yellow Mom said...

I read this twice and JUST BARELY remembered what VOIP means. I'm slow like that because I use the company that starts with a Von and ends with an Age. :)

I really like these TWIMC things. You are very funny. And the high-suffocation level boyfriend analogy is perfect.

Sarah Tilley said...

maybe you should take out a restraining order.

hee, at&t does that to me all the time. they used to be bellsouth, who also annoyed me but to a lesser degree. i seriously hate them now. i've chewed them out i don't know how many times and they won't stop calling. as scary as it may sound, i think as much as i hate being bugged with the "i'm just checking out your account" bull, it's kind of a nice release to get snippy with someone other that henry or ben.

Barnecked Lady said...

Phones and phone companies are so over-rated!!!!

Coordination Queen said...

I think I threw my phone across the room one time I was on with their customer service... sounds like they've improved in the last 5 years.

Tori :) said...

LOL at Omar!

I'm a bit irritated with my phone company too. Why are they so necessary? It bugs.

Cindy said...

Love the letter! my parents are always getting harrassed from some company, they have caller ID and just ignore it..most of the time!

MommyJ said...

Dish Network calls me at least three times a day to see if I am interested in becoming a customer. Which makes no sense because I already am a dish network customer. I'm thinking it is possible to be too efficient.

Suzanne said...

We got so fed up with "Kwuh" "est" that we quit them entirely years ago. We no longer have a land line, just two cell phones and a separate provider for Internet. And I can't imagine that changing anytime soon.

What a pain for you!

Klin said...

They used to call me all the time, too. I politely told them to take me off their calling list and that IF I wanted a service I knew the number.

So I had to do this like 7 times. Dang computer didn't listen or operator didn't delete me from the list. Ugh.

I am hating the Broadweave in our area. They are the only ones. They suck. 3 weeks ago I called for service. Hasn't' happened yet.

No Cool Story said...

KwuhEst:

Nobody called today.

The end.

ucmama said...

Don't you think it's a nice name though? Q****! like they're on a journey towards enlightenment by providing mediocre technology. They're on a Q****! Like looking for the holy grail! Do they talk to you with bad french accents? Can you hear the sounds of coconuts in the background? It's a great name really...

The Motherboard said...

What? Kwuh-est is two timing me??

aubrey said...

grr. i'm not a fan of qwest. and being an apartment manager i have these annoying salesguys coming over on a regular basis with welcome packets that they want me to give to my tenants. i always take them and then throw them in the trash. people will use who they want. and our saturday mornings are rife with "iwantthatiwantthatiwantthat." from max at every single commercial. and he's only two.