It feels like now, and it feels always, and it feels like coming home...

Today is mine and J's anniversary. I met him just a little over 10 years ago and we've been married 8.

I think my feelings for J can best be summed up in a Celine Dion song...

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life....


Okay, just kidding. I mean, it's sweet, right? But it's not me. And it's not him either.

A guy I dated half my lifetime ago, once looked into my eyes and very tenderly said, "I see closed doors, and I want to open them, I want you to trust me enough to let them open, I want to be that man..." and then kissed me for the first time. I think it was supposed to be this deep, meaningful, emotional, profound moment, but all I could think was, "What the hell does that mean? Closed doors in my eyes? Are you kidding me? Hmmm, I wonder if they are at least cute doors---maybe french doors.... oooooh what if they are trap doors...."

Moments like this might even sum up my dating experience. I dated some really great guys and on paper, a few of them would be everything I thought I wanted. In reality, not one made my heart skip a beat, I didn't miss most when they were gone, I didn't dream about what our children would look like, I didn't feel like nothing in the world could possibly be wrong when any of them took my hand.

Until J.

The first time he took my hand into his, it felt like coming home. I belonged there, and knew I wanted to be there forever. I never want to forget that feeling. All the way home to Saint Louis that night, Shawn Colvin's "Never Saw Blue Like That" played over and over in my mind. I was romantic once in my life.

J takes me as I am. In my finest moments, he is proud and supportive. In my weakest and darkest, he loves me all the same and lifts me up. He has taught me more about myself, about how I want to be, about being a good parent, and being a good person just by who he is. He doesn't preach, he doesn't complain, he doesn't correct.

He isn't perfect and he ticks me off and I pout and yell at him just as well as the next person. We argue, we disagree, we get on each others nerves. We get stuck in ruts, we get overwhelmed with the everyday things of life, and most moments aren't daisies and butterflies, as I much as I'd like them to be.

But J always tries to make me happy. He responds to my needs. He listens. He cares. He accepts, he forgives, he loves.

Everyone who knows J likes him. Except for maybe some of his employees that he's fired. He is one of the most likable people I know.

I love you J. You've been gone long enough that I miss you too. :) You have given me 8 fantastic years and I love facing life's hurdles with you. You make it easier, you make it worthwhile. There really ain't no place I'd rather be, than next to you sittin' next to me.
Thank you for choosing me.

And also, you're welcome. :)