Thursday, May 13, 2010

Two In One Weeeeek!

I started this post about 5 weeks ago. I still have some "insecurities" posting solely about the kids, as though I have some unspoken obligation to do anything different. I'm just going to put this out there again. They are the reason I started blogging, and having the documentation of their days and the passing years is priceless to me. This post is NOTHING but kid stories, so if that doesn't interest you, hey, there's your warning!

Things Bo said to me this morning:
"Hairbrush spelled backwards is Shur buh ree ahh. Huh."

Bo: I can get high at Sara's.
Mom: Oh really? Who's your dealer?
Bo: Uhhh, on the swings Mom.

Bo:If we never ate sugar, we'd never poop, so we DO need sugar because we need to poop.
Mom: How do you figure no sugar equals no poop?
Bo: There would be no "crap" to get out of our body if we didn't eat sugar.

As I'm recounting this conversation, I realize that it almost sounds like he's telling a joke. Probably the funniest part about it was me, afterward, wracking my brain to think of something our body would need to eliminate (if not sugar), without a detailed physiology lesson.

Yesterday as we were driving to see How To Train Your Dragon, Bo was telling Avee that the movie was made by the same people who made Shrek. She told him Shrek was a totally different movie. He explained that Dreamworks made both of the movies. Avee didn't care. Then Bo asked me, "What are all the movies that Dreamworks has made?" I said, "I have no idea, that's something Dad might know."

To which he casually responded, "You don't know crap."

I think my head just about spun off, right there at the stoplight where we were waiting. It was so uncharacteristic of him and SO RUDE. I don't think he even realized how rude and completely unacceptable it was for him to say that. Believe me, before the next stop light, he was well aware. Along with the eastern side of our city.

More recently:
Bo had joke day at school. Everyone was supposed to bring their favorite joke to share with the class. Bo is very interested in finding the funniest, the fastest, the biggest, the longest, the highest of everything. So I should have known he wouldn't settle for any ol' joke he already knew.

The only problem is, I worked the night before joke day. So J helped. This is a recipe for disaster. This is the joke he helped Bo find and subsequently MEMORIZE. (J claims he didn't help him memorize it, he only read it to him 2-3 times. And then sent him to bed, where Bo undoubtedly repeated it over and over in his mind. So when he woke up, it was the first thing he said to me, verbatim.)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the hospital. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

That's the joke my preshy shared with his first grade class. I told him on the way to school that his classmates would not get it and he said, "I didn't get it first either! But I'll just explain it to them like Dad explained it to me." I emailed his teacher beforehand with a half-hearted apology. She wrote back that she was the only one who laughed, but it really cracked her up. I'm pretty sure the fact that he told that joke was funnier than the actual joke.

Later when Bo got home he told me that none of the kids laughed or got it. I thought this would be sad for him but he said, "But it was still the funniest joke!"

"How do you figure?" I asked him.
"Because I saw my teacher showing it to all the other teachers!"

That REALLY made me laugh.

And now for a dose of Avee.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a hair place my friend goes to. I wanted to see if she could fix a terrible and dark color I'd gotten a couple weeks prior. She told me what she could do so I asked if she had any availability in the next week. She said she could fit me in right then. I looked down at my little hooligan children, chewing on their hair, picking their noses and gestured to them. She said, "If you can handle them, we can!" It was awesome. Halfway through, I was sitting under a dryer and Avee was leaning against my legs. A VERY tall man walked in. He was, we later found out, 6 foot 9. He also was built kind of like a woman. With hips and a booty. It was notable.

My entire body tensed up and I scrambled to pull Avee closer to me as I saw her eyes make their way up the entire length of his body. I could heard her loud, high voice, giggling as she said, "You have a butt like my MOM but your a MAN!" I heard it, saw it, felt the burn of embarrassment, all of it. So before she could do that, I got my mouth close to her ear and frantically reminded her, "Remember how we talked about saying things about how people look!? Remember we don't talk about how people look when they can hear, we don't say things that might make them feel said!?!?! REMEMBER!? REMEMBER!?!!!!"

She turned and looked at me like I'd missed taking my crazy pills that morning and I could clearly see that there was no connection between what I said, and what she was about to say to this man. I kept my hand on her arm. I had resorted to the death squeeze for my method of parenting. I would just squeeze her arm so hard she wouldn't be able to remember her thoughts.

Suddenly I hear, "YOU AW SO TAWWWLL!! YOU AW LIKE A GIANT! YOU AW THE TAWLEST MAN IN THE WOLD! Except Jesus. He's tawler. I sink he's 9 feet tawl."

My relief overshadowed the true humor of the moment, but later I got a big kick out of it. A day or so later she came to me with her hands out, shoulders shrugged, "I actually don't know how tawl Jesus is, do you sink he's about 9 feet?"

Lately she has begun to refer to herself as "Mrs. Avee". This provides me endless amusement. I don't know where she comes up with some of the stuff she does. It started when a neighbor kid tricked her and when she found out she went barrelling out of the house with her finger in the air, pointing to the sky, yelling, "NOBODY LIES TO MRS. AVEE!"

That neighbor kid was twice her age.

Danyo is talking up a storm and I pretty much adore every word that comes out of his mouth. Yesterday we went to get in the car and it was raining. He noted, "It's dripping outside. It's dripping all over us!"

He also overuses the phrases, "I'm sorry" "That's not fayoh" and "Dat's miiiiiiine".

He tried to win Avee over the other day when she wasn't sharing by saying, "But I wuv you Avee!" I don't know how she resisted that. She is a cold, cold woman.

I think that's about all.


Super Happy Girl said...

"You don't know crap."

I have to take a few minutes to myself now.


Stacey said...

I had heard the "you don't know crap" line before and I am still lmbo.

This entire post amused me to no end. Keep 'em comin! ;)

Super Happy Girl said...

Ok, I know I have told you this before but I still think you don't understand:

You, Nobody, owe it to humanity to record everything your kids do and then share it with the rest of us. You HAVE to, you must. Sorry.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Lisa said...

Your stories are priceless! I wish I had kept record of things my kids did and said. The video I have of them melts my heart. You know these things are going to make you so happy when you are old like me!!!

Charlotte said...

I'm still chuckling about no sugar = no poop. I love the ways kids think. I will keep in mind that it isn't a good idea to let my husband pick a joke for the kids to tell at school.

Mikelene said...

The part about you squeezing Avee's arm so hard she wouldn't be able to remember her thoughts? That made me laugh out loud b/c I've used that tactic as well. I love reading all your kid posts! Keep on writing!

aubrey said...

oh my gosh..i loved the hunter joke and could just hear the crickets chirping when he recited it to the class. hilarious.

aubrey said...

i'm with SHG. you are the only blogger in all of blogland whose kid stories i never tire of reading. not to say that i make it over here to read them very often, but still..

Mrs. Organic said...

True story - my grandma once complimented another mother on how much she apparently loved her children as she was always putting her arm around them and whispering into their ear during church. The children were extremely well-behaved.

The mother blushed and then said she was really pinching her children when she put her arm around them and whispering that they better shape up or she'd pinch harder. Awkward.

And pretty much everything your kids say is gold. I love it when you share.

Sarah Tilley said...

thanks for sharing. i got to laugh like ten times reading your post. the joke story was awesome. also, avee cracks me up. many times i have that same death grip on henry's arm, and he never takes the hint. one time when he practically shouted in sacrament meeting about how fat this lady's butt was, but lucky for him most of the people there had only a tenuous grasp of the english language.

Kristi Clinger said...

Oh Goodness! Your kids keep me laughing. LOVE IT! I love Bo's joke and that he knew it because the teacher was showing it to all the other teachers. FUNNY!

Super Happy Girl said...

See? Aubrey agrees with me.

Bryant and Jodi said...

I love that he knew it was the funniest because his teacher showed it to all the other teachers.

Klin said...

Your children are why you started blogging, why we all follow you, and they are MY therapy!!! I still have tears running down my face and my family, too. I read the entire post out loud to my family.

Either you need to move or I do. I just wanna follow you around to observe the wonderfulness of your kiddos!!!

Tori said...

If I make you a "You Don't Know Crap" shirt would you wear it? I wear the corn shirt you gave me....

I love your kid stories and the fact that you remember to write them down.

ucmama said...

I read the title of that movie as How to Drain your Dragon. Which is understandable after reading about pooping (or lack thereof).

Code Yellow Mom said...

No disclaimers ever again about telling your kid stories, OK?

The joke at school is my favorite.

I heart you and your kids and Mrs. Avee. :)

Amy said...

I would stand in line to have you autograph your book.