Sunday, July 15, 2012

This Post Is Listed In The DSM-IV Under "ADD"

I just laid down with AJ to snuggle her to sleep. I've sleep trained, just can't do it with this one. She's my last and just too deliciously cute to put down.

I realized I turn into Super Woman, the moment I lay down. This is how it works. I start thinking about how Avee wants cooking classes and I can't find any in the area for kids. So I decide that I can teach her. I'll start with rice, tonight I'll teach her how to cook rice. Then my mind takes off. I will look up how to teach a 7 year old to cook, and a dozen appropriate recipes. And I'll sew us each matching aprons and teach her each week. By 8, she'll be a professional.

There's a pile of laundry on the floor within my line of view. My mind takes off again. I'm going to take care of that laundry, take that other pile of stuff up to attic finally. The sheets need changing too, I'll change ours and the kids'! As soon as AJ is asleep and I can get up. I'll vacuum the whole upstairs too. Oh yeah, and that pile of clothes to go to Goodwill, I'll finally get that into a bag and in the car. Then I'll start downstairs, the bathrooms, the dishes....

I do this with working out too. I'm going to get up and go for a walk, then I'll come back and do the treadmill. Then I'll make a big healthy salad for dinner. And when I'm laying down, my kids LOVE salad for dinner. They thank me for it.

It's ridiculous how amazing I can make myself be in my head. Then I stand up and it's ALL GONE. I can't recall even a portion of it. I bend down and pick up a binkie and sigh at the effort of this task, and at how overwhelming everything that needs to be done is. I go downstairs, walk past my textbooks that need reading and turn on Netflix. I tell the kids to leave me alone for just 15 minutes. For the 15th time that day.

Also, when the heck did my greatest fantasy become a clean house and a good workout? That's ridiculous. I realized my life was lame and my future bleak when a few months ago I stared into the mirror, dreaming about a defined jawline. No that there is excitin'!

Bo has a friend over right now. When we went to pick him up, his unbelievably adorable 5 year old sister trailed behind him with an absolutely pathetic expression. She had to come over too. She's a chubby little thing and I just want to put her in my pocket and keep her. So, just now she got on the elliptical. I was going to kick her off, like I do all other kids, but I just didn't. She got off about 30 seconds later. She went into the other room, got our Ipod, came back and plugged it into the ellipitical, which I have never done and didn't know was possible, selected music on the Ipod and started exercising to "Killin' Time" by Clint Black. "Eye of the Tiger" came on after and she yelled, "ROCKYYYYYYYY!" and started singing along. All while still working out on the elliptical. Bo tried to "help" her and stubbed his toe and unplugged the ipod within 8 seconds. I picked up the ipod and she grabbed it and said, "I tan dit it." Seriously, a chubby, techno-savvy, exercising 5 year old with a speech impediment, singing Eye of the Tiger. Does it get any cuter?

Today at lunch there were, as per usual, 4 different conversations going on at once. I heard Bo over most of it say, "I put my hot dog in the freezer to cool down, and it was barking when I took it out." He had to explain it to Avee, she thought it was great. I thought it was brilliant. He really does have a good sense of humor. Most of the time he expresses it he's being naughty and I try not to laugh. Not very successfully though.

Mostly I want my kids to understand that if someone else has to be the butt of your joke, it isn't funny. Those were the kind of jokes I told forEVER and people always laughed. I was a senior in college and teasing someone relentlessly, everyone thought it was funny, except the butt of my jokes. My roommate and good friend said, "She's not really mean..." It stopped me COLD in my tracks. It was a good lesson. In my defense, I can take it, just as much as I dished. But that wasn't fair of me to assume everyone could or should.

Don't get me wrong. I make fun of my friends relentlessly. Like my friend who needs symmetry if you touch one side of her body. She has to touch the other side. That just begs for teasing. I can entertain myself for hours with that one. Or my my friends that are OCD about their clean homes, and are friends with me, who takes slovenly to a whole new level...
Until someone convinces me that's mean-spirited too, Imma keep doing it.

I'm halfway through our month of hell. J is at school Monday and Wednesday all day, I am in school Tuesday and Thursday all day. We have to get a babysitter on T/Th because Jay has class every day from 9:30-2:30, then again M and W. Then he goes to sleep late Friday afternoon, to start his weekend of graveyard shift at the hospital. He handles it like a stud. I know if I was doing what he's doing, there would be MUCH more complaining. He never complains. Except when I don't make the kids do their chores. He complains about that.

Studying time is rare and hard to manage. That's why I'm writing on my blog when I should be studying.

Last night after J went to work something fell over in the attic. I had a coronary. I HATE being alone in the house, then knock something over in the attic and I'm done fer. I called J at work, which I've never done before. His 25 year old co-worker managed to call me "Sweetie" 8 times in less than 3 minutes. Impressive, no? By the time J called back I had rigged a shovel up against the attic door, and put Avee in my bed. (The attic door is in her room). I was totally cool by then. Mmm-hmmm.

Being a mom has made me neurotic. If someone breaks into our house when J's gone, I know who to grab first and which closet to hide in. The upstairs phone is always charged. If the house catches on fire, I know who to grab first and three escape routes depending on where the fire is. I've worried a lot and finally determined that I will have to slap Bo if there is a middle of the night emergency. I can't wake that boy up for ANYTHING. I also know how to get us all unbuckled and to safety if we're on a bridge that collapses. AJ has kind of messed with my plan and my reaction time, but we'll get there. In the meantime, we will not cross the bridge as a family. :) I had no idea that it was having kids that made people neurotic. My mom wasn't like this though. In fact, my mom was a total disservice to me with pretty much anything child related. Pregnancy, recovery, child-rearing, disciplining, teaching...she made it all seem very easy.

Hey, wanna know why this post is so long and random? I'm supposed to be studying. Plus, I'm pretty sure I have a diagnosable case of ADD. Diagnosable is apparently not a word.


Heffalump said...

Almost every time I drive over a bridge I freak out just a little bit inside and picture what I would do if we went over the edge. Then I vow to get my older kids into swimming lessons so that they'll have a chance to survive in that situation.
I thought I was the only one with those kinds of thought processes! Yay for not being alone!

Jacob Barneck said...

You should jump inside my brain for 10 seconds at any given point during the day, then you feel completely normal. :) Seriously though I'm a nutcase, I think it was the twins that did me in. I always marvel at the fact that people tell me how calm and collective I am with my children, then I realize they have no idea what is going on in my head. :)

Anonymous said...

oops that was me! But he's a nutcase too, in his own special way.

Barnecked Lady said...

again im a nutcase

Rebecca said...

"I realize I turn into Super Woman the moment I lay down" .. boy oh boy..I was a little afraid of reading on..I mean..lets keep this whole blog thing G rated please..
oh.. ok..I read on..phew..

I too am neurotic about bridges.. it was rought when we lived in the bay area.. as if we would survive the impact off the Oakland bay bridge..however I had a plan when we did..

Amy's comments are about as funny as your post..

y'all need to get yo crap together..

either that or xanex..

I like xanex.

Brittany Hall said...

I do the same thing at night! I have amazing plans for the morning- I'm gonna get up early before the kids, exercise, read my scriptures, pray, make muffins, etc... and then my baby wakes me up at 6am and I throw toys at him so I can sleep in until 7 when the kids get up. FAIL. :)