Heaven or Hell, It's Going Somewhere

My computer is broken.

Don't know if it's dead or dying, but I'm pretty sure it's at least seen the light, and going towards it.

From this end, it means I can say "I told you so" at least 53 more times to my husband and that my house is VERY clean for the first time in several months.

From your end, it means no mud puppies, no speech impediments, no ghetto walmerts encounters, etc. Oh, I'LL still be enjoying such things---just you won't.

I'm sorry for your loss.

So, let's take this time, while I'm gone, to get to know each other.

I love "ask any question" posts because you get to know things you might not otherwise know.

So, I'm doing that---ask a question.

There's just one catch:
I want you to answer it for yourself, along with the question. If it's specific to me and my life circumstances and doesn't apply to you, obviously, you don't have to answer it. Feel free to ask anything. It's not like you can force me to answer anything I don't want to---right?

Won't this be so fun!?

Also, take the time to say "yo" or "hey" or "sup" if you haven't ever commented before. That way you won't come off as a complete weirdo asking me what kind of shampoo I use. Some people call this "Delurking" but I don't really think of people who read and don't comment as lurkers.

I like to think of them as, My Silent Friends.

The computer gives me about 4 good minutes and then blue screen appears, so I'm going to save myself some frustration and wait for it to be fixed.

Could be 2-3 days, could be 2-3 weeks.
HA! Like I could really last that long without my Teh Internets.

To help tie you over (I'm not even sure that's the correct phrase) I'll leave you with an early morning Pokemon conversation:

Bo:Hi mom. Can you buy me a pack of Pokemon cards?

Groggy Mom: No

Whyyyyyyy?

Because I don't want to spend my money on Pokemon cards, I don't think you need them and the ones you have gotten from other kids, you don't even really care about or take care of.

Yes I do.

Then why has Danyo managed to eat both Digemon and Pikachu, not to mention half of an energy card?

Hahahaha! You're joking, right?

Sort of. But I've thrown away cards, I have taken them from Danyo, I've picked them up off of the floor dozens of times---that tells me you really don't care that much about them.

But I do care. I want some reeeeeeeeaaaaaaal bad.

Well, you can buy some, you have a lot of money you've saved up for your Wii.

I'm not spending my Wii money on Pokemon cards.

Exactly.

How about this? How about you give me my allowance, and I'll put it in my money jar for the Wii, and then you can give me a little bit more, for some Pokemon cards.

That's the same as me buying them. I'm not spending my money on Pokemon cards.

Okay, okay. Howwwwwwwww abooouuuuuuut...we go to the bank, and you know those round things with black tops? You put some papers in that, then push the green button and make it go, then they can send it back with money in it and I can use it to buy some cards.

Uhhh, that's the money Daddy earns by going to work and working hard every day.

He doesn't work on Saturdays and Sunday.

You're funny, Mr. Literal.

Ha! That's a funny name. So, can we use Dad's money to buy me some cards?

Nope, Dad is even more opposed than I am. Remember, he said you couldn't even watch Pokemon until you could give him three good reasons of why you like the show.

Yeah. I can't think of three reasons, but I really want to watch it.

Here's the bottom line Bo. I don't think you need Pokemon cards. And I'm a pretty nice mom. I give you everything that you need. Like clothes and shoes and swimming trunks and food and blankets for your bed. I also give you a lot of things you want, like an Omnitrix watch, Ben 10 figurines, goggles, a light saber, a bike, and lots of other toys that are overflowing in the basement. So, I'm probably pretty sure you don't need the Pokemon cards if I'm saying no. You really don't have to have something just because someone else does. For example, do you think Caleb would like a Ben 10 watch?

Yeah! Let's get him one!

No, I just mean, he probably wants one, he doesn't have one and you do, but that doesn't mean he needs to get one.

Well he could.

You're missing the point.

So, can I get some Pokemon cards?

No.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Because I Haven't Done Random In A While

Yesterday I was rushing out the door to get my kids to vacation bible experience (yeah, it is "experience"---whatever happened to good ol' fashioned "school"?) and to meet my friend at the Y for her first time at boot camp. In my rush, I took only one step onto the 3 fairly tall steps outside my back door. That step, I turned my ankle and flew down the rest. I was holding Danyo. Big girls like me should not be falling like that. I turned my body as much as I could on the flight down so that Danyo would be protected. As clumsy as I may be, I'm still a considerate mother.

Avee started wailing, "nooooooo mommy, NOOOO GET UP GET UP!"

Danyo was at first silent, I think the whole thing just shocked him. Then he started crying. And recently he has taken up screaming. That's like the one thing in a child I can't handle. And I got lucky. He doesn't just scream when he's mad. He walks around the house just letting out random gleeful screams.

So, there I am, laying on the ground, two kids screaming, Bo saying, "Whoa! How'd you do that!?" He always thinks accidents are some amazing feat that are planned and choreographed.

I started saying, "I'm okay, I'm okay" to calm Avee and to convince myself. Danyo was completely okay.

One of my neighbors saw the whole thing.

Honestly, traumatized kids, bruised body, wounded pride---being seen falling like that was the worst.

I told him that I was okay, but to pick up Danyo and make sure he was.

Everyone was fine but I wasn't feeling too motivated to get up off my back.

When it quickly became more unacceptable than the moment before to still be lying on my back, I slowly got up.

I took my kids to VBE and limped all the way through the building finding their rooms.

I even thought I could still manage boot camp, but by the time I got there, it was half over and my ankle was throbbing.

As per usual, my ankle is my least painful injury. My shoulder is killing me, I have a bruise the size and shape of Texas on my derry-rear and my whole right leg is just kind of stiff and unfriendly.

When we got in the car, Bo said,"That was so funny, wasn't it mom?"

Again, with the inappropriate responses.

Then last night, I said crabbily to J, "I don't know! I haven't felt like talking to anyone today, I'm just not in the mood to deal with anyone." And he, without thinking, but trying to be understanding said, "Well, it's okay, you kind of got off on the wrong..." then he paused, thinking twice about using that particular phrase---even though he was thinking by then that he was pretty clever. I laughed. Even though it wasn't funny. At all.

And that is all I have to say about that.

In other news, Bo appears to have lost his hearing and I don't think I can take another incident of REPEATING MYSELF. I hate repetition in the first place. And nobody told me that repetition was first and foremost on the duty list of parenting.

Today while running a few long overdue errands with baby D, I heard a song on the radio. The chorus made me laugh out loud. I've decided that whoever coined the word "badonkadonk" is a literary genius. From the Subway commercials to Tracy Morgan to this new non-objectifying-of-women-what-so-ever, country song, it always makes me laugh. Put honkey tonk in front of it, and it's even better.

Avee told me yesterday that I "crack her up". Well, it was more, "Oh man mom, you cwack me up!" I thought it was adorable. I love how these squishy little bald things that lay around turn into little mini redheads with cute laughs and funny phrases.

Danyo loves to walk backwards. I have never had a backwards walker like this. I think he likes the challenge of it. Which is a personality trait that Avee also has. They got it from a great, great, great, great grandparent who was a pioneer. I can't think of anyone in either of our immediate families who willingly seeks out danger and precarious situations often resulting in bodily harm, like Avee, and now Daniel.

So, I've noted the backward walking and thought it just the cutest thing ever. Because I am a very typical mom and kind find cute and genius in just about anything my child does. Well now, he has started crawling backwards. Dude, is it backward or backwards? I dunno.

He does it in an exaggerate slow way and combines it with an expression like he's backing away from something very dangerous. Usually it's me. He's not entirely wrong. I just wonder how little 1 year old kids come up with the stuff they come up with. I know some things are imitation, but I'm pretty sure he came up with this all by himself. See? Genius!

Okay, I'm boring even myself now.

Edited to add:
After picking up the kids from VBE, I took them to get lunch. Avee's chocolate milk got thrown away. I forced Bo to give Avee a sip of his. It spilled, all over the sidewalk. They both started bawling and I laughed out loud as I stood here in the hot sun, with two screaming kids, late for my next appointment, while they cried over spilled milk.

Because I don't want to forget...

"Dad, when you are counting by 10's, what comes after a jillion?"

And later...

Referring to a throat culture (which he got on his 5th birthday and FREAKED OUT about), "Mom, what's that thing they check your throat with at the doctor's office?"

"The thing that looks like a big popsicle stick?"

"No."

"Oh yeah, you mean when they swab your throat?"

"Yeah! So, that's what they do to get the slob out of your throat."

Mud Puppy

Danyo recently discovered a mud puddle and it's pretty much impossible to keep him out of it. Since he's my third, I have a lot less concern for cleanliness and a lot more desire for the absence of screaming/whining.

And so, he plays in the mud puddle.

Let me back up.

A couple of weeks ago I was "bragging" to my mom how my children never get away from me and are never found 3 blocks away in a diaper, holding up traffic, etc. A few days ago she asked nonchalantly, "Does Danyo ever get outside when you aren't looking?" I quickly changed the subject because JUST THAT DAY I found him for the first time, 20 feet away from our house, splashing in a mud puddle, covered in mud.

So, the next time we went outside, I came armed with my camera. I want you to know, I kept filming for you. And also to prove the good naturedness of this boy. (The entire video won't load, but he sings at the end! Sorry you'll miss it)

Unfortunately for you, you will be exposed to my drunk lady wheezy laugh. For that, I am sorry.

Celery

Bo has been, for some time now, a bit obsessed with a show called Ben 10. I have always loved ANYTHING to do with my name, so I kind of get it. You can imagine how many things I've found to do with the name Nobody...

The show is a little over his head. I mean, the premise isn't, and it's pretty awesome for a wee 5 year old----but he barely gets more than "superhero alien".

His age comes out particularly when he's referring to the different aliens by name.

A few months ago he kept talking about one of the aliens, "Sh*tway". Of course it made me laugh but I couldn't figure out what word he was replacing, to see if I could find out the real name of the alien. When I finally googled about 12 different things, I found his name, Jetway. I tried to tell Bo that his name was Jetway---just to save both of us some future embarrassment, but he wasn't interested. He was sure I was wrong. After all, I hadn't watched the show.

Last Sunday our neighbor called to see if we had any cream of mushroom soup for his roast. We didn't and he asked for cream of celery as a substitute. Celery is a bad word in this house, so we didn't have that either. J mentioned how he couldn't believe people would willingly use cream of celery as a substitute and unbeknownst to us, Bo's interest was piqued with all the talk of celery.

I kept hearing him use a phrase along with the name of one of the Ben 10 aliens. I hear all kinds of random things as a result of what's on tv, so I didn't really pay attention. I just figured, the alien XLR8 was the alien of the hour.

Later that night at dinner he and Avee were objecting to some green beans I made, without having tasted them. I told Bo, "they have the same sauce on them that is in your favorite casserole, I know you'll like them."

He asked excitedly, "Oh really? It's made with cream of accelerate?"

I had written all about this and was waiting to publish, when...
Yesterday Bo was recounting to me his afternoon of participation in a "fun week" that our 9 year old friend is doing to raise some money for the summer. He talks nonstop about it. He was telling me about the snack. I told you celery is a bad word in our house---he didn't even know what it was. "This green log thing that you can put cheese or peanut butter on, I got mine with both". I said, "Oh yeah, that green stuff is called celery, is that what it was?"

"Yeah, yeah! It was accelerate and peanut butter!"

Short Story Made Long

The other day my neighbor was taking a walk with her son and my kids wanted to join them. J was the one outside with them, and he agreed to let them go on the walk.

After 30 minutes passed, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. In general, I am a very easy-going person. And even in most of the ways I parent, I'm quite laid-back. But there are some things I have become increasingly neurotic about and some things that I'm ever so obsessive about. Most of those things have to do with my children. A couple have to do with chocolate and Bon Jovi.

After 40 minutes had passed, I turned to J and said, "You know, I don't let my kids go with just anyone, and I'm kind of a mess right now with them being gone this long."

J was, as he should have been, very surprised. He said, "But, you watch her kid every day, I figured it wouldn't matter."

"Right, I watch her child, she doesn't watch mine. I let her son into my house, but my kids don't go into her's."

I know most of my friends are particular just like this, so I know I'm not being a snob. Fact is, I actually don't have any problem with this woman. I like her a lot. But she has a boyfriend. Who lives with her. That she knew less than 3 months before he moved in. Who's "shady past" she has referred to in conversation with me. And of course, I can go from shady past to drive-by-shooting in under two seconds, when my kids are involved. Tori, I know you do the same, don't even pretend you're less neurotic than me. :)

So, while I have been very kind (not charitable, I genuinely like the girl), and have even started babysitting her little boy a couple of hours a day, I also have been careful to keep firm boundaries.

I have also been judgmental (in my mind of course) and critical (also in my mind, I think my own husband would be shocked to learn I was being critical...) that some people let other people into their homes after a very brief period of getting to know that person, and allow their child to be left in that person's care for hours at a time.

I remember watching some interview with Amber Frey---right around the time Scott Peterson and his creepy self was big news---and the interviewer said to Amber, "You let him pick your child up from daycare!?" all incredulous-like. I started thinking about that and I thought the interviewer was kind of dumb, but that there were probably a lot of people like that who trusted their kids to people they didn't even know. My neighbor, one of them.

Her little guy went to his grandma's last week for a couple of days so I didn't have him. He didn't show up again today so I peeked outside and saw her car, that she was home from work. Tonight I went over to check up and to see if I would have her son tomorrow.

She opened the door and looked like she'd been run over by a truck. She was crying and clearly had been for at least the last 48 hours.

The boyfriend moved out on Friday. She's pregnant. He took all her money.

Aside from being completely idiotic in letting this guy into her life in the first place, she's really got her stuff together. She keeps her home nice, she drives a nice car, she has a good job as a nurse, she takes good care of her son and she really has her act together. She never once mentioned things being tight to me, until the dude moved in. Now he's left her strapped, pregnant, and without childcare.

Even with all my judging, my heart just breaks for her. Despite the fact that he was an idiot before she picked him up and she still picked him up, she's still a girl who got her heart broken. I stayed and talked to her for 45 minutes and the tears didn't stop once. I didn't know what to say. I said a lot of, "man, what a jerk" and "I'm so sorry" but that was pretty much the extent of what I had to offer.

She just really wanted her mom, but when her mom learned that she'd been "dumped" just walked away and changed the subject.

I wished I could give her some of my peace. I felt bad for her, but part of my mind couldn't help but to go to thoughts of "I don't have to deal with this kind of crap." I knew that I would be going home to my husband who wasn't the man of my dreams, because as big as I dreamed, I never dreamed I'd marry someone as amazing as him. I knew that if I was feeling sad, my mom would comfort me, even if she didn't agree with the subject of my sadness. If I needed to gripe about my husband my mom would be there to say, "Get over it Nobody, they don't come any better than J." I knew that even when your heart feels like it's going to break, there is an end, and I can find comfort.

As much as this isn't really about me, I'd like to make it so. I see this is a learning experience. Whenever I encounter things like this, my response is always to rescue and try to fix everything. It's not my job. I want to give her a wad of cash that I don't have. I want to tell her not to bring home men she doesn't know. While I don't think that would go over so well, I think it's pretty helpful advice. I think she will probably learn from this. I really hope she does because this is an awful rotten thing to have to learn the hard way.

Berry Bush Conference Calls

Bad Mom Alert:
Sometimes Bo comes downstairs and plays on the computer or watches tv while I'm still asleep in the morning.

The kid is painfully trustworthy. He comes and asks me if he can have some rootbeer if he promises to drink a lot of water right after. This strange request comes after a day last week when he kept just popping open cans of soda whenever he felt like it and went a couple of days with no other form of hydration. (the reason he went so soda happy is because we rarely have soda in the house, and he's an opportunistic little fella) Then, we went to the park on a hot day and he got sick from playing so hard and not being hydrated. Yakked all over himself on the drive home. I took the opportunity, as we drove, him with tids and bits of previous meals all over him, to teach him about the importance of water in our bodies.

When he came and asked "Can I have some rootbeer and a lot of water right after it?" I heard, "Can I have a granola bar and a lot of water with it?" I was so very tired. I thought it strange he was asking permission for a granola bar, but I thought the whole water part was more strange. But of course, I mumbled "yes, of course" and rolled over, back to sleep.

Then a few minutes later he showed up with a water bottle full of brown carbonation goodness, asking me to fix the lid so none would spill. More proof that the kid is painfully trustworthy. In our house, drinks stay in the kitchen. However, sometimes I let them have a drink in the living room if it's in a spill-proof bottle, like a sippy cup or a water bottle. He obviously wasn't going to sit in the kitchen by himself, and even though there was no mean mommy around to enforce it, he played by the rules. He is so his father's son.

I said, "Why do you have rootbeer at 6:30 am Bo?" And he said, "You told me I could!" Realizing that I was not coherent or entirely sober, I took his word for it and went back to sleep.

Please don't call DFS on me. But if you must---have them come in the afternoon. So that I can be sure that I'm awake.

And done beating my children.

So yesterday morning Bo was next to my bed bright and early, asking me if it was 8:30 yet. When I told him it was a long ways from 8:30, he said, "Oh good, I don't want to miss 8:30, I'm meeting Caleb!" I thought that was adorable and precious, and I went back to sleep.

At 8:45 he asked again. I told him that it was 8:30. Figuring that he was asking about a cartoon that started at 8:30. I've made the mistake in the past of saying that 8:30 had already passed and then there's a huge meltdown because he's missed 15 minutes of something completely meaningless. And I am a fast learner, if I'm anything. So I don't make that mistake and at our house, it can be any time of the day for any number of reasons, at any given moment.

He grabs his purple light saber (his choice, not mine!) and heads for the front door. He calls out, "All right! I'll see you later mom! I have to go meet Caleb at the berry bush!"

This made me burst out laughing for several reasons. First, he actually thought that at 5 years old, he could just head out the door and call out, "See you later" and that wouldn't be a problem.

Second, "berry bush". That just makes me laugh.

And thirdly, that he and Caleb had a predetermined time and place set up. Do 5 year old kids really do that?

I laughed, told him he couldn't go, calmed down his concerns about standing up his friend, and promised to call his house to make sure another 5 year old kid wasn't standing around some berry bush "at the bottom of the hill" waiting.

I called Caleb's mom and we had a good laugh.

Nice cute story, eh?

Later at about 2:30 Caleb came and knocked on our door. Bo was napping (because he gets up before God intended man to get up, and when I tell him that he says, "I get up when my body has all the rest it needs") so I told Caleb, "Bo's asleep, but as soon as he's awake, I'll tell him to come and get you to play."

Caleb nodded. He was okay with this arrangement. He hopped down the steps and about 3 feet away, turned around scrambled back to the front door.

"You'll have to have him call my mom to call me because I will be at the berry bush!"

I so wish I could be a fly on the wall for their conversations.

"Okay, after my nap, and after you finish all your vegetables, lets totally get together at the berry bush and we'll have a quarterly reconciliation meeting and go over the profit plan for fiscal year '09."